Revelations & reflections

"Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love in our hearts."

~ Rom. 5:3&4

I'm not crazy. That may sound like an obvious statement to many of you, but the day I realized what was happening with my body was not in my head but actually happening, it was a revelation. I was really starting to think that I was losing my mind. I was taking my thoughts captive (by that I mean when thoughts like "what if I have terminal cancer & die tomorrow" entered my head I didn't entertain them), reading my bible, seeking the Lord, really being changed in my innermost parts but I was still having these "episodes" that took it out of me for the entire day. I was at a loss, exhausted, still feeling sick and beginning to get discouraged, then I checked my email. I had a friend who had emailed me a week before but I hadn't had a chance to read it. Turns out she had read my blogs and thought what I was going through sounded very similar to her experience with a gallbladder in it's death throes. After reading her email and googling "gallbladder dysfunction" it was like a spotlight turned on in my brain- "THIS IS IT!" I told myself, feeling a glimmer of hope that I might not be sick forever. I'm sure that sounds melodramatic to many of you but those of you who have been sick for a long time without knowing why (or maybe you do) know what I am talking about.

Rather than go through all the details, I'll cut a potentially long story short. I called my ND, asked her to make some appointments to get it tested, learned my gallbladder was functioning at 51% at it's best, saw a surgeon, spent a few hours in outpatient surgery....now, almost two weeks later, I feel incredible. I'm not 100% yet, I was sick for awhile and I don't expect to be bouncing off the walls immediately. Still, I can eat food without getting horrible ill, no corn and wheat, but everything else I want! Even better still, is I learned that the gb had been going out for years (pathology report) which means in another few weeks I should feel better then I have in years! It is so wonderful to have answers and I am so thankful to be on the mend.

Once again I am not sharing to give you reason to have sympathy for me, or just to talk about my health issues (like David's Granny, whom I love but boy oh boy can she talk your ear off about her bodily functions). During the last part of my illness, after learning the cause, and during my recovery I have really reflected on the events of the past few months. A small part of me wondered if I had just given my symptoms to my ND in the first place, rather than diagnose myself with various things (panic attacks included), if she would have been able to figure out the source of my problem sooner. I suspect that she would have, apparently my symptoms are pretty textbook for someone with a gallbladder on the fritz and she is pretty smart. The larger part of me is glad that it took time to diagnose, thankful for the time I thought I was suffering terrible panic attacks. No, I do not enjoy being sick, tired and starving but if I had not spent those weeks at the end of myself I might have continued to stay where I was on the inside. I might not have recognized the areas of my heart I had let get grimy, or seen the mountain of baggage I had stored away in a room in there just waiting to ambush me.

I recently read a small booklet written by the late Charles Haun entitled "The Wilderness of the Red Sea & Shur" where he talked a lot about those times of trial we all go through. Many people are stumped (ourselves included) when Christian's go through hard times. Somewhere along the way there developed a misconception of what Christianity is, surely a kind God would shield His believers from trouble, right? The truth people fail to see is the world we live in is full of trouble, has been since Eve first tasted the fruit, it's not the way God intended it to be but in giving us free will it was a risk He took. Of course, He knew the outcome, so I suppose it wasn't a true risk but to be honest it makes me love Him all the more. He knew we would hurt Him, knew many would turn their backs on Him, all would sin and yet He created us anyway, so that He could restore us, love us, have relationship with us- kinda knocks my socks off.

Anyway, I am getting off topic...sort of. What I loved about the booklet I read is how candid Pastor Haun is about trials, how the truth is sometimes God allows us (even leads us, look at the Israelites out of Egypt) to walk through things in order to reveal to us our true state of being. I don't know if this applies to every trial, the world is full of suffering, Christians don't get a "get out of jail free" card for it, but I know one thing for certain, regardless of the trial God is right there with us, always. Anyway, I believe God allowed me to walk for a time thinking my problem was in my head. I had no idea the gunk hiding in the depths of my heart, nor was I aware of those issues I had. He didn't allow it to condemn me but to bring deliverance for me from those things. Charles Haun said it like this "Why the bitter experience? They are used by God in an attempt to bring us out of unbelief and into perfect trust and rest". It's about restoration, not destruction, God is all about bringing us to a place of pure joy in Him, not sadness in the world. The bible says "it is for freedom He set us free" (Gal. 5:1), plain and simple. A heart restored and set free is free to believe the truth of God's word; what He says about our lives, about His love for us.

The truth of all of this doesn't mean I haven't struggled in the past few months, that I haven't had my mellow dramatic, "woe is me moments". There have been a lot of things changing in my heart and change is sometimes, often times, painful. I have had to recognize areas of hurt in my life, relive emotions I had stuffed way down thinking I had dealt with them. I have had to forgive myself and others, to let go. All of these things can be tough, but what I am gaining is priceless, freedom and the ability to accept the love God has for me, to see myself as He sees me. I am gaining a slow shedding of the filters I have added to my vision over the years that have led me to misinterpret people, misunderstand them or simply misguided me as I walked through this life. We all have them, whether we recognize them or not, I certainly didn't see mine. They are a result of our life's experience and we often slap them on unintentionally, we are human after all and often see our lives as the sum of our experiences. What I am learning is what I've done doesn't make up who I am, who I am is who Christ made me to be and I want to be that girl.

So I urge you, if you are struggling in life to spend some time in prayer/reflection upon it all. Open your heart up fully, lay it all bare. You may see things in there that aren't pretty, hurtful experiences you forgot about. The beautiful thing is that God is right beside you, looking in too, reaching out to take those things from you and replace them with love, truth and freedom.