The heart of it...

This is a topic close to my heart, something I have been thinking about often lately- Offense. What do I mean by that? I mean the ease with which we can take offense with one another, how quickly it seems we can jump to conclusions about what someone may or may not have meant by something they said or did. I suppose it's human nature to be guarded, always on the offensive, trying to protect ourselves from hurt. I have to wonder though, is it the best way to view the world? I am not pointing the finger here, believe me I have had my share of offenses, real or imagined- often imagined (I'll explain these below:), so I am speaking from experience. What I wonder is how much better we would all be if we, rather than expecting the worst, expect the best of people? Maybe instead of assuming the person meant to hurt us with what he/she said, we decided to look past the words to what we know to be true about that person? Let's be honest, the people we tend to be hurt by the most are those closest to us, people we know & love. So why is it so hard to look past what may have been blurted out without thinking (or even said on purpose but without a clue that it may be hurtful to us) to the heart of the person. Before jumping to the conclusion that person "thinks your a bad mom/wife/friend/daughter" or that you watch too much tv, or eat too much, whatever the comment is- maybe if we stop and think about who said it, "are they a vindictive person?", "do they ever seem to say things with the intent to hurt" or just looking at where they may be coming from & give them some grace, perhaps the offense will never come. I think if we did stop for a minute to look at what we know about the offender, maybe we find that there was never any intent to hurt there.

I know there are times where people say things that hurt us, maybe even times they mean too, I don't know each person's story. I know there have been times where someone has deliberately torn me down.... but then what? Once the offense is there, what do we do? I am learning, through the course of my own experiences, holding on to that hurt/offense doesn't seem to benefit anyone. Sure I can feel my indignation is deserved but where do I go from there? I mean, I could talk to people about it (something I have done before, I confess), try to find someone to see it from my point of you, validate my feelings...then what? Most likely all I've really accomplished is to cause someone else to "take up my offense", gaining an ally in my righteous (because I'm right in being mad...aren't I?) anger, which makes me feel good- temporarily. The person who offended you, most often, doesn't benefit or lose out in these scenarios. In most cases whomever I was upset with was clueless to how I was feeling (not because they were stupid but either (a) they honestly didn't mean to hurt me or (b) rarely, they didn't care). Again, I am speaking from my heart, from my own experiences. I have not always taken my own advice, in fact much of the depression I suffered the past few years was a direct result from ignoring my own instincts and letting my hurts move to anger, un-forgiveness & bitterness. Some of the wounds I carried were real (I mean the person was careless & hurt me, intended or not, what they said/did was thoughtless), many were not (an "imagined" offense I call them, I took up offense because of my own issues, my distorted filter, there was nothing wrong with what they said or did) either way the end result is the same- if you do not deal with offenses as they come (maybe eliminating them before they are an offense, as I mentioned above) they fester, they get stinky and eventually take over.

My heart was full of old wounds, new wounds, real wounds, imagined wounds- I had never really dealt with any of them. Without my even being aware those wounds began to rot in there, seeping into the other areas of my heart and, before I knew it, altering my personality. I became a negative person, more easily offended, a gossip, quicker to anger, slower to trust...all traits that are not mine, not even a little. Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but it's all true. The bible says "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt 13:34b), my heart was pretty full of negative feelings and emotions, eventually they made their way out. When I realized (early this summer) what my heart really looked like I was left with two choices- forgive or continue on, stacking up my pile of wrongs until I was to completely crumple beneath them, I already almost had. I chose to forgive, it wasn't always easy, as I said some of the offenses were real and those are the hardest ones to let go of. I imagine this is because those are the ones we feel the most entitled to keep, "justified" in our hurt. I was tired of living life that way, I was ready to let go and once I did...oh man. It was like pealing away layer after layer of clothing that was caked in dirt, crippling my movements. Each time I took the time to evaluate my feelings toward someone, my hurts from them, recognize they're human (none of us are perfect), forgive them and ask for forgiveness for the choices I made after they hurt me (sins I committed as a result), I felt a little less bogged down and a little more like me again.

I am not finished, I still have old wounds and I am working at weeding them out, with the help of Jesus (because without Him, I often can't see the issue, let alone deal with it). I want to be free from the baggage I've carried around, unknowingly, for many years. Free to dance for joy, free to see the truth of who I am, to see people for who they are, rather then through my distorted filter, free to be ME, unhindered. My hope is that I won't take up anymore offenses, this doesn't mean I won't ever be offended (I am human), but I don't to leave my feelings unresolved, to forgive and not allow myself to stumble because of it. I want to break free from the chains I've allowed to hold me down, and spread my wings and fly :).