It began many years ago, when a loved one experienced a life altering event, the impact of it was felt by us all. It hurt, it was hard, we struggled, we cried, it was one of those things you don't really think will happen in your family but, because no one is immune to this world and not one of us is perfect, it did. As time passed, slowly, life began to improve, our hearts healed a little, great blessing came out of the situation, and what was before seemed an ages away...
And then, it wasn't getting better, it was getting worse...& worse... I remember well the day my mom called, I was away in college, with some news that broke my heart. I was too far away to be much help, too far away from anyone for comfort either and so I cried out to the Lord. I was sad, I was heart broken, but mostly I was angry and I told him as much. As I prepared to go work out I ranted to the Lord about the events of the past few years, the toll they'd taken on my family, the hopelessness that seemed to have seeped into the situation. How could this be happening? WHERE was HE? Hadn't he heard our prayers? Hadn't he seen our heart's desires? How could he, after all of that, allow things to happen as they were happening? I told him I was mad, that I didn't think he really was there for us after all. I told him, if he was, well he could just go ahead and make it rain to show me because I just didn't believe it anymore. I love the rain, it's always been a strange comfort to me, washing all things clean and in my desperate hour, it's what I wanted.
So I left my dorm, still talking to God, and walked across the intramural field that separated my building from the gym, under a clear sky. As I began working out, I felt convicted of my dare to the Lord. I remembered the devil himself tempting Jesus in the desert, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread"... I wasn't feeling pounded on by God, to clarify to anyone reading this who may not know the Lord, but I knew that what I had asked was out of a heart of rebellion, of anger, resentment even, and I was sorry. I repented while running, I asked the Lord to help me to have the faith I needed to walk through what was to come while doing sit-ups, all the while I could see nothing but clear blue sky through the high windows.
When I finished, I felt better, I felt encouraged, I felt a glimmer of hope. As I began to make my way back to the dorm, listening to my disk-man (hehe, yes it was awhile ago:) I felt one drop of rain. I stopped where I was, in the middle of the intramural field, certain I had felt something else... and then another drop fell upon my face. I looked up to see one cloud rolling in from nowhere and suddenly it was raining, tears began to flow heavily, laughter welled up within me. I took my time going home, wandering a bit in the rain until it became a beautiful snowfall and I was soaked through. I went to my room and wept, with joy, with thankfulness, with a heart full of hope. You see, God is faithful to supply our needs, he knew my heart, where it really stood, he knew my pain, my heartache. He patiently listened to my raging, my anguish and so lovingly reminded me that he is God and he is true to his word..."For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed." (Isaiah 54:10).
Life for this (these) loved one(s) has not improved, in fact, things seem to go from bad to worse until now there is a fear that the unthinkable may happen and things could be forever unchangeable. There are moments when I am overwhelmed by the thought, that raw spot in my heart begins to throb and the pain takes my breathe away. At these moments I cry out to the Lord, pour out my heart to him, sometimes scream "WHERE are you?!". It seems, at times, impossible that he could be near and yet, I know the truth. He is patient to remind be time after time after time, when doubts roar in my head, of sweet rain on my face coming from a clear sky and a promise that he will never leave or forsake his precious children. My family, yes even those who continually chose their own way despite the pain it causes themselves and those around them, is in the hands of the Father, the Creator, the Comforter, the Healer, the Restorer, our Salvation. The darkest hour comes before dawn, but we needn't fear we can lift our eyes and he gives us hope, because he IS hope. Whatever happens, whatever may come, whatever the consequences of choices made by others outside my control, God is good, he is faithful, he will supply my needs... he holds my heart in his loving hands, my whole heart, even that little spot that aches.
"He heals the brokenhearted, he binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
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