"Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life."
~Proverbs 4:23
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I always have good intentions about blogging, I usually have several ideas rolling around in my head but never seem to find the time to sit down and put them to "paper". This one is one that is close to my heart, having suffered the effects of doing the opposite of what I now know to be a better route.
We hear so often phrases like, "the past is in the past", "burying the hatchet", "put it behind you", "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" (ok that last one seems funny but it fits anyway:). We are constantly encouraged to "keep on keeping on" as if life is just a slow trudge from one event to the next, anything painful we experienced is stuffed down so that we can function from day to day. What I am learning though, and some of you may know (consciously, or subconsciously) is that the past never stays in the past, the hatchet inevitably gets unburied, what happens in Vegas follows us home. Who we think we are is often wrapped up in where we've been, what we've experienced and how those two things shape our thoughts and actions. Sometimes we stuff things down or block them out, forgetting they're there entirely and are completely unaware of why we respond to certain things in certain ways.
I believe that often when we stuff things down, bury in the past, put behind us, it not only to seeps into our present but morphs into something bigger and harder to deal with now than they were in when we put them there. Think of it like this, cause I love metaphors... How often does an apple, stuffed into a garbage can, and left for weeks, still look like an apple when you pull it out? What are the chances it would be recognizable as an apple? You could probably poke and prod it to figure it out, maybe you don't remember stuffing an apple down there at all. If you do remember, you're probably disgusted by how ugly and horribly stinky it is now. If you had thrown it out, rather than leave it down in there, people might not even know it was there. Instead you kept it, forgot about it, stuffed it further down and now, not only is it far more disgusting than it ever needed to be, everyone who comes into your house can smell it. Things we bury don't stay hidden forever, eventually they come back to haunt us, in or emotions, our actions, our responses to situations and others. It's always uglier than we remembered, maybe we aren't even sure what we stuffed down deep in our hearts because time has so distorted it. One thing you can be sure of is that those close to you (maybe everyone) will "smell" the effect of that thing you buried.
Let me give you an example from my own life, in case I am being unclear. For many, many years I have been afraid of death, my fear of it lead to some serious hypochondriac tendencies, culminating in a near breakdown when something did go wrong with my body (mentally as well as physically). If you've read my blog at all the past few years you may remember those I wrote during this time (here & here are a few), it was not the most fun I've had but I am so thankful that I've walked through it (here is a blog about how faithful God is:). Sorry, tangent. Anyway, at one point during this struggle I asked the Lord why I was afraid of death, He showed me I wasn't afraid of death but afraid of dying and leaving my family behind. You see, my dad was a Trooper (Ak State, so proud:) for all of my life (up to 19 anyway), this meant there was an element of danger to his job. One incident I remember distinctly was a time when he had to go after an armed man wanted for murder. I remember being afraid my dad would not come back, that he would be killed and we would be left without him. I was afraid. Well, my dad didn't die and that memory, that fear was filed away in my memory, gone but not forgotten. That night instilled in my little brain that to be left behind was awful, to leave behind was awful and I never wanted to die. In time this little fear, left to fester and grow became big fears, hypochondrism (is that a word? oh well:), fear of being abandoned, fear of abandoning my family in death, when I did actually become ill and it went undiagnosed I also had to deal with fear of driving, fear of stores & fear of... well fear, in the form of panic attacks. That little piece of my past seeped all over the pages of my present, but once I dealt with it, walked through how the danger element of my dad's job affected me the fear gradually (actually rather dramatically but not overnight) disappeared.
That was an example of something I was pretty much unaware of, because it happened when I was young. Let me give you an example of something I was perfectly aware I felt, but caught off guard by how it later effected me when I had filed it away in my heart *hopefully* to be "gotten over" through ignoring. Sometime in the process of building our house I was having a rough time of it as a mom. I found my kids to be irritating me constantly, I didn't want to have to do anything for them and I was really short tempered with them. I was certainly not winning any "mother of the year" awards and I couldn't figure out why I just didn't feel like being a mom or where my simmering anger at my kids was coming from. I loved them surely, so why was I feeling and acting this way? After a week or two (or three, I don't remember) I asked the Lord what my problem was because I was tired of feeling the way I did, knowing it wasn't really my heart for my kids. He brought to mind all of my resentful feelings toward my husband and his work practices of the past. You see, David worked a LOT when Isaiah was young, he was out of town for several days on end, coming home for a few (but still having to work when he was home), then leaving town again. This went on for several months the first two years of Isaiah's life, including when I was pregnant with Joshua. Now, during Josh's first two years, he was having to spend hours working on our home in order to finish it for us and I, essentially, felt like a single parent and I resented him for it. When David first agreed to take the job where he would be out of town, I wasn't really on board with it but I also didn't really express how reserved I was about it. When the job ended up being more of a commitment each year (rather than 3 months it was closer to 6), I hated the notion even more, especially with a small child at home. I was hurt and angry that he had to be away so much, I was lonely and stressed out parenting alone. When we decided to build a house, I was totally in on the decision but again, I wasn't aware of how time consuming it would be (neither of us were!) or how much time I would spend parenting my two boys alone. What the Lord showed me was this resentment and anger I still felt toward David (despite thinking I had "dealt" with it by ignoring it) was now being directed toward my children, as if it was there fault I was dealing with them alone. Immediately I felt conviction in my anger toward David, asked the Lord to forgive me for how I had harbored those feelings and to help me let go of it so that I could parent my kids the way the deserved to be parented. What a difference it made!!
These are just two examples, there are many more I could give you. I am certain each one of us has things in our past that reside in the thoughts, emotions and reactions of our present, whether we are aware of it or not. Things that have been done/said to/about us, traumatic events in our lives, losses we've suffered, or maybe even some things that we perceived incorrectly and were hurt because of it. I've got great news for you though, those things don't have to cripple us forever. We can walk through our yesterdays, work through those hurts and find freedom in today. Our past can be used to shape us but it does not define us. Jesus asks us to "come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28). 1 Peter 5:7 says to "cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you", notice it doesn't say some, or just the good/easy/current stuff but ALL of your anxiety. God can take what you can dish, he already knows the wounds of your heart, why not share them with him? He promises to give us rest, he offers freedom from the yoke of our past. In Galations 5:1 it says "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." (MSG). If we let it, our past can enslave us to certain patterns of thought/behavior, unforgiveness can enslave us to another person (read more about my thoughts on that here) if we let it. Chose not to bury the past down deep in your heart, hoping it will never again haunt you. Walk through it, process how those things have affected your life, the good, the bad and the ugly, and release the past to the One who holds your past, present and future in His hands. The freedom you will find as a result is worth far more than you can imagine.
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-27
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I always have good intentions about blogging, I usually have several ideas rolling around in my head but never seem to find the time to sit down and put them to "paper". This one is one that is close to my heart, having suffered the effects of doing the opposite of what I now know to be a better route.
We hear so often phrases like, "the past is in the past", "burying the hatchet", "put it behind you", "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" (ok that last one seems funny but it fits anyway:). We are constantly encouraged to "keep on keeping on" as if life is just a slow trudge from one event to the next, anything painful we experienced is stuffed down so that we can function from day to day. What I am learning though, and some of you may know (consciously, or subconsciously) is that the past never stays in the past, the hatchet inevitably gets unburied, what happens in Vegas follows us home. Who we think we are is often wrapped up in where we've been, what we've experienced and how those two things shape our thoughts and actions. Sometimes we stuff things down or block them out, forgetting they're there entirely and are completely unaware of why we respond to certain things in certain ways.
I believe that often when we stuff things down, bury in the past, put behind us, it not only to seeps into our present but morphs into something bigger and harder to deal with now than they were in when we put them there. Think of it like this, cause I love metaphors... How often does an apple, stuffed into a garbage can, and left for weeks, still look like an apple when you pull it out? What are the chances it would be recognizable as an apple? You could probably poke and prod it to figure it out, maybe you don't remember stuffing an apple down there at all. If you do remember, you're probably disgusted by how ugly and horribly stinky it is now. If you had thrown it out, rather than leave it down in there, people might not even know it was there. Instead you kept it, forgot about it, stuffed it further down and now, not only is it far more disgusting than it ever needed to be, everyone who comes into your house can smell it. Things we bury don't stay hidden forever, eventually they come back to haunt us, in or emotions, our actions, our responses to situations and others. It's always uglier than we remembered, maybe we aren't even sure what we stuffed down deep in our hearts because time has so distorted it. One thing you can be sure of is that those close to you (maybe everyone) will "smell" the effect of that thing you buried.
Let me give you an example from my own life, in case I am being unclear. For many, many years I have been afraid of death, my fear of it lead to some serious hypochondriac tendencies, culminating in a near breakdown when something did go wrong with my body (mentally as well as physically). If you've read my blog at all the past few years you may remember those I wrote during this time (here & here are a few), it was not the most fun I've had but I am so thankful that I've walked through it (here is a blog about how faithful God is:). Sorry, tangent. Anyway, at one point during this struggle I asked the Lord why I was afraid of death, He showed me I wasn't afraid of death but afraid of dying and leaving my family behind. You see, my dad was a Trooper (Ak State, so proud:) for all of my life (up to 19 anyway), this meant there was an element of danger to his job. One incident I remember distinctly was a time when he had to go after an armed man wanted for murder. I remember being afraid my dad would not come back, that he would be killed and we would be left without him. I was afraid. Well, my dad didn't die and that memory, that fear was filed away in my memory, gone but not forgotten. That night instilled in my little brain that to be left behind was awful, to leave behind was awful and I never wanted to die. In time this little fear, left to fester and grow became big fears, hypochondrism (is that a word? oh well:), fear of being abandoned, fear of abandoning my family in death, when I did actually become ill and it went undiagnosed I also had to deal with fear of driving, fear of stores & fear of... well fear, in the form of panic attacks. That little piece of my past seeped all over the pages of my present, but once I dealt with it, walked through how the danger element of my dad's job affected me the fear gradually (actually rather dramatically but not overnight) disappeared.
That was an example of something I was pretty much unaware of, because it happened when I was young. Let me give you an example of something I was perfectly aware I felt, but caught off guard by how it later effected me when I had filed it away in my heart *hopefully* to be "gotten over" through ignoring. Sometime in the process of building our house I was having a rough time of it as a mom. I found my kids to be irritating me constantly, I didn't want to have to do anything for them and I was really short tempered with them. I was certainly not winning any "mother of the year" awards and I couldn't figure out why I just didn't feel like being a mom or where my simmering anger at my kids was coming from. I loved them surely, so why was I feeling and acting this way? After a week or two (or three, I don't remember) I asked the Lord what my problem was because I was tired of feeling the way I did, knowing it wasn't really my heart for my kids. He brought to mind all of my resentful feelings toward my husband and his work practices of the past. You see, David worked a LOT when Isaiah was young, he was out of town for several days on end, coming home for a few (but still having to work when he was home), then leaving town again. This went on for several months the first two years of Isaiah's life, including when I was pregnant with Joshua. Now, during Josh's first two years, he was having to spend hours working on our home in order to finish it for us and I, essentially, felt like a single parent and I resented him for it. When David first agreed to take the job where he would be out of town, I wasn't really on board with it but I also didn't really express how reserved I was about it. When the job ended up being more of a commitment each year (rather than 3 months it was closer to 6), I hated the notion even more, especially with a small child at home. I was hurt and angry that he had to be away so much, I was lonely and stressed out parenting alone. When we decided to build a house, I was totally in on the decision but again, I wasn't aware of how time consuming it would be (neither of us were!) or how much time I would spend parenting my two boys alone. What the Lord showed me was this resentment and anger I still felt toward David (despite thinking I had "dealt" with it by ignoring it) was now being directed toward my children, as if it was there fault I was dealing with them alone. Immediately I felt conviction in my anger toward David, asked the Lord to forgive me for how I had harbored those feelings and to help me let go of it so that I could parent my kids the way the deserved to be parented. What a difference it made!!
These are just two examples, there are many more I could give you. I am certain each one of us has things in our past that reside in the thoughts, emotions and reactions of our present, whether we are aware of it or not. Things that have been done/said to/about us, traumatic events in our lives, losses we've suffered, or maybe even some things that we perceived incorrectly and were hurt because of it. I've got great news for you though, those things don't have to cripple us forever. We can walk through our yesterdays, work through those hurts and find freedom in today. Our past can be used to shape us but it does not define us. Jesus asks us to "come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28). 1 Peter 5:7 says to "cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you", notice it doesn't say some, or just the good/easy/current stuff but ALL of your anxiety. God can take what you can dish, he already knows the wounds of your heart, why not share them with him? He promises to give us rest, he offers freedom from the yoke of our past. In Galations 5:1 it says "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." (MSG). If we let it, our past can enslave us to certain patterns of thought/behavior, unforgiveness can enslave us to another person (read more about my thoughts on that here) if we let it. Chose not to bury the past down deep in your heart, hoping it will never again haunt you. Walk through it, process how those things have affected your life, the good, the bad and the ugly, and release the past to the One who holds your past, present and future in His hands. The freedom you will find as a result is worth far more than you can imagine.
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-27
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I always have good intentions about blogging, I usually have several ideas rolling around in my head but never seem to find the time to sit down and put them to "paper". This one is one that is close to my heart, having suffered the effects of doing the opposite of what I now know to be a better route.
We hear so often phrases like, "the past is in the past", "burying the hatchet", "put it behind you", "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" (ok that last one seems funny but it fits anyway:). We are constantly encouraged to "keep on keeping on" as if life is just a slow trudge from one event to the next, anything painful we experienced is stuffed down so that we can function from day to day. What I am learning though, and some of you may know (consciously, or subconsciously) is that the past never stays in the past, the hatchet inevitably gets unburied, what happens in Vegas follows us home. Who we think we are is often wrapped up in where we've been, what we've experienced and how those two things shape our thoughts and actions. Sometimes we stuff things down or block them out, forgetting they're there entirely and are completely unaware of why we respond to certain things in certain ways.
I believe that often when we stuff things down, bury in the past, put behind us, it not only to seeps into our present but morphs into something bigger and harder to deal with now than they were in when we put them there. Think of it like this, cause I love metaphors... How often does an apple, stuffed into a garbage can, and left for weeks, still look like an apple when you pull it out? What are the chances it would be recognizable as an apple? You could probably poke and prod it to figure it out, maybe you don't remember stuffing an apple down there at all. If you do remember, you're probably disgusted by how ugly and horribly stinky it is now. If you had thrown it out, rather than leave it down in there, people might not even know it was there. Instead you kept it, forgot about it, stuffed it further down and now, not only is it far more disgusting than it ever needed to be, everyone who comes into your house can smell it. Things we bury don't stay hidden forever, eventually they come back to haunt us, in or emotions, our actions, our responses to situations and others. It's always uglier than we remembered, maybe we aren't even sure what we stuffed down deep in our hearts because time has so distorted it. One thing you can be sure of is that those close to you (maybe everyone) will "smell" the effect of that thing you buried.
Let me give you an example from my own life, in case I am being unclear. For many, many years I have been afraid of death, my fear of it lead to some serious hypochondriac tendencies, culminating in a near breakdown when something did go wrong with my body (mentally as well as physically). If you've read my blog at all the past few years you may remember those I wrote during this time (here & here are a few), it was not the most fun I've had but I am so thankful that I've walked through it (here is a blog about how faithful God is:). Sorry, tangent. Anyway, at one point during this struggle I asked the Lord why I was afraid of death, He showed me I wasn't afraid of death but afraid of dying and leaving my family behind. You see, my dad was a Trooper (Ak State, so proud:) for all of my life (up to 19 anyway), this meant there was an element of danger to his job. One incident I remember distinctly was a time when he had to go after an armed man wanted for murder. I remember being afraid my dad would not come back, that he would be killed and we would be left without him. I was afraid. Well, my dad didn't die and that memory, that fear was filed away in my memory, gone but not forgotten. That night instilled in my little brain that to be left behind was awful, to leave behind was awful and I never wanted to die. In time this little fear, left to fester and grow became big fears, hypochondrism (is that a word? oh well:), fear of being abandoned, fear of abandoning my family in death, when I did actually become ill and it went undiagnosed I also had to deal with fear of driving, fear of stores & fear of... well fear, in the form of panic attacks. That little piece of my past seeped all over the pages of my present, but once I dealt with it, walked through how the danger element of my dad's job affected me the fear gradually (actually rather dramatically but not overnight) disappeared.
That was an example of something I was pretty much unaware of, because it happened when I was young. Let me give you an example of something I was perfectly aware I felt, but caught off guard by how it later effected me when I had filed it away in my heart *hopefully* to be "gotten over" through ignoring. Sometime in the process of building our house I was having a rough time of it as a mom. I found my kids to be irritating me constantly, I didn't want to have to do anything for them and I was really short tempered with them. I was certainly not winning any "mother of the year" awards and I couldn't figure out why I just didn't feel like being a mom or where my simmering anger at my kids was coming from. I loved them surely, so why was I feeling and acting this way? After a week or two (or three, I don't remember) I asked the Lord what my problem was because I was tired of feeling the way I did, knowing it wasn't really my heart for my kids. He brought to mind all of my resentful feelings toward my husband and his work practices of the past. You see, David worked a LOT when Isaiah was young, he was out of town for several days on end, coming home for a few (but still having to work when he was home), then leaving town again. This went on for several months the first two years of Isaiah's life, including when I was pregnant with Joshua. Now, during Josh's first two years, he was having to spend hours working on our home in order to finish it for us and I, essentially, felt like a single parent and I resented him for it. When David first agreed to take the job where he would be out of town, I wasn't really on board with it but I also didn't really express how reserved I was about it. When the job ended up being more of a commitment each year (rather than 3 months it was closer to 6), I hated the notion even more, especially with a small child at home. I was hurt and angry that he had to be away so much, I was lonely and stressed out parenting alone. When we decided to build a house, I was totally in on the decision but again, I wasn't aware of how time consuming it would be (neither of us were!) or how much time I would spend parenting my two boys alone. What the Lord showed me was this resentment and anger I still felt toward David (despite thinking I had "dealt" with it by ignoring it) was now being directed toward my children, as if it was there fault I was dealing with them alone. Immediately I felt conviction in my anger toward David, asked the Lord to forgive me for how I had harbored those feelings and to help me let go of it so that I could parent my kids the way the deserved to be parented. What a difference it made!!
These are just two examples, there are many more I could give you. I am certain each one of us has things in our past that reside in the thoughts, emotions and reactions of our present, whether we are aware of it or not. Things that have been done/said to/about us, traumatic events in our lives, losses we've suffered, or maybe even some things that we perceived incorrectly and were hurt because of it. I've got great news for you though, those things don't have to cripple us forever. We can walk through our yesterdays, work through those hurts and find freedom in today. Our past can be used to shape us but it does not define us. Jesus asks us to "come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28). 1 Peter 5:7 says to "cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you", notice it doesn't say some, or just the good/easy/current stuff but ALL of your anxiety. God can take what you can dish, he already knows the wounds of your heart, why not share them with him? He promises to give us rest, he offers freedom from the yoke of our past. In Galations 5:1 it says "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." (MSG). If we let it, our past can enslave us to certain patterns of thought/behavior, unforgiveness can enslave us to another person (read more about my thoughts on that here) if we let it. Chose not to bury the past down deep in your heart, hoping it will never again haunt you. Walk through it, process how those things have affected your life, the good, the bad and the ugly, and release the past to the One who holds your past, present and future in His hands. The freedom you will find as a result is worth far more than you can imagine.
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-27
Yes, yes, and YES! You've totally walked through the fire and I love how openly you are able to tell about it now - what a witness! You are such a blessing to so many people, do you know that!?
ReplyDeleteLove you, my friend. I really, really do.