Looking back it was one of the darkest times in my life, I just couldn't break free from my prison, both my mind and body were revolting against me, I felt out of control. I spent many hours in my Bible, looking for some magic verse to instantly solve my problems, some "holy formula" to stop the panic, stop the fear. One night while reading I came across 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 which reads, "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us". In his still small voice, deep within my heart, I felt God speak, he was the source of all comfort, he was the one I could turn to even if everyone else thought I was nutty (which I am certain now most didn't). All love and compassion, joy and peace flows from him, ask and I would receive, seek and I would find, knock and the door to his endless peace would be open to me (Matt. 7:7-8). I also felt him say that what I was going through was something he would use in other's lives, so that they might find the comfort they seek, the comfort I found in him. My heart was lighter that night, suffering without understanding is difficult, suffering with understanding is hard but knowing that my suffering would be used by the Almighty in order that someone else may find peace gave me a stubborn will to press in, push on, walk through.
Eventually, through counseling on campus and getting off birth control, my panic attacks stopped, the constant anxiety subsided and I thought I was finished with all of it. As the years flew past the intensity of what I went through began to fade into distant memory and the promise God had made also faded from my mind. There were a few short periods of anxiety during that time, but nothing like it had been and no panic attacks. Seven years later, however, those memories came flooding back (you can read more about that here & here) when the panic attacks began again, the fear at an even greater crescendo then I had experienced the first time, I thought I might just lose my mind. I honestly believe, without the Lord, I would likely be an agoraphobic today. I didn't want to drive or go into stores because I had either panic attacks or constant anxiety... it was awful. Yet, during all that time amazing things happened in my life and heart.
I began counseling through my church, talked with many wise men/women, worked out a few healthy issues...The road back this time around was a lot longer, but the end result has been a thousand times more dramatic. I don't have the time to go into it all on this blog, someday I promise I will write it all down to share because what God did is nothing short of amazing. What I want to share today is the fulfillment of that promise God made me, nearly ten years ago. There were times during those years where I was able to share some of my experiences with others, help them as best I could. It was not, however, until I walked through a lot of other things that I really was equipped with the knowledge and experience to truly help people find the comfort of God, to find freedom from fear. I recently joined the team at Fresh Start (if you want to hear more about Fresh Start just ask me!:), becoming a part of the ministry that God used to bring such revelation and freedom in my life. The first time I walked into the room where I would be co-leading my first small group I suddenly was reminded (God is so awesome) of that verse in 2 Corinthians and realized that promise was being fulfilled that very night and I was amazed at how God works. Being willing to walk into a room full of strangers, talk and share with them is a pretty good testimony to what God has done in my life!
You see, God is faithful, you can bank on his promises, fully trust in his word. He will never leave you, never forsake you (Deut. 31: 6 & 8, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5 to name a few). He offers rest to the weary (Matt. 11:28), he will walk beside you in times of trial (Isaiah 43:2), see you through the other side. I don't think God caused my struggles, they were the result of years of living in fear and stress of things kept stuffed down, but he certainly made beauty from the ashes that were my heart. When he made me that promise a decade ago, it gave me the tenacious resolve I needed, even if the fulfillment of that promise was many years down the road. If you have things you are struggling with, I encourage you to seek the Lord for comfort, he will give it. If you are struggling with patience, waiting to see the fulfillment of a promise he made in your life (I certainly struggled with it during the several months I dealt with heavy fear and anxiety) know that he has not forgotten. Timing is everything, we cannot know what we cannot see, but he sees and he knows, trust him. When the time does come, it will make it all the sweeter.
