Resolution

Sometimes life is hard. There are days where you feel like you and your loved ones are being pummeled by boulders while the word watches waiting to see if you'll fall. I have experienced these days more than once in my 33 years, I have suffered heartache, the kind that physically hurts and you feel certain it's going to break you. I've been so crippled by fear, leaving the safety of my home was almost impossible. I have suffered loss, loss of family & friends, loss of relationships, loss of dreams in my life. I've cried until my eyes were nearly swollen shut, I have suffered anguish, I have wondered "why?!?", I have been angry with the Lord, I have screamed at him within my own heart, I have questioned his power, his authority, his very goodness. Sometimes it feels like moving from day to day requires more strength then I have the ability to muster, and really, it does. These are the days when I have to grab hold of what I know to be true, even if I may not feel it, to set my eyes on heaven, to resolve in my heart to be obedient to the will of the Lord, even when I cannot see where I'm headed. Because, you see, I have overcome much in life, not by the power of my positive thinking or strength of my own will but by the power of grace. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8). I have experienced inexplicable peace (Phill. 4:7) in the midst of great anguish, in the middle of dark swirling fear. I have felt the redemptive power of forgiveness and repentance in my life. I have been set free from heavy chains that bound me in ways I wasn't even fully aware of. I have been brought up from the depths of muck and mire (Psalm 40:2) by nail scarred hands that had long desired for me to reach up, into the arms of a loving Savior, who'd called to me in my stumbling darkness. I have experienced the living Word of God in my life (Heb. 4:12), not simply words on a page of some ancient book, but living breathing truth. My heart is free, my life full of joy, even when it's hard, even when there is heartbreak, even when fear pounds on my doorstep. These past few months have felt very much like a boxing match for my family, feels like we have been hit on all sides, I've cried many tears, but you know what? God is still here, he has never left my side, he has gone before and followed behind me (Deut. 31:8), I feel him, his peace, his comfort, his joy. So, once again, I will fix my eyes on him, set my face upon what is true, surrender my heartache to the loving arms of my Jesus and resolve to not only survive 2013 (and every year) but to grow in the Lord, share the goodness of God, learn, love as Christ himself loved and cherish every moment of this life. Whatever my time here is, I want to be used mightily by God, to love those put in my path fiercely and experience every good gift from my heavenly Father.

"I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” 

John 16:33 (Msg)

Flashback Friday

Ok, so this is a new idea for bimonthly-ish :) blog post featuring writings, drawings, photographs, memories from my past. Any writings I post here will be mostly unedited from their original form, I will only make any corrections my teacher (if it was something for school) at the time. I am pretty excited about doing these, mainly because my memory is not always awesome and having these things cataloged somewhere will be awesome. Plus, it's always fun to share :).  

Today's post will be a paper I wrote in 8th grade about how my fraternal grandmother and how my grandparents met. I called my grandmother and interviewed her about it, so the story is 100% authentic. Enjoy, from my 8th grade self :)

The Early War
     Gabrielle Janich was a nine year old girl when her father took her to church that day in Steyr, Austria. He waited for her to come out at the park across the street as he usually did, but this time when Gabrielle came out of the church, something was wrong. All the men in town were huddled in a circle whispering about something, and when she approached they told her to go away. 
     The next day Adolf Hitler and his Nazi soldiers set up troops and invaded her small town. They built a concentration camp just outside of Steyr. Every day when the troops would march the prisoners through the streets the women and young girls would throw them pieces of bread and cigarettes.

The Hard Times 
     After America got into the war Austria was bombed. One day one of those bombs struck Gabrielle's home with everyone still in it. The house fell to the ground burying it's occupants. The Janich's neighbors dug them out and no one was harmed. 
    After the bombing Gabrielle just went back to school as usual. During the winter afternoons when the class got sleepy her teachers would drag them out into the cold and make them exercise, telling them to ignore the Nazi troops. 

Nearing the End
     Toward the end of the war school was closed and the girls were made to work in loading the guns used to shoot planes out of the sky. Gabrielle was not one of those girls, her father sent her to a farm away from Steyr so she would be safe. 

The Stupid Monkeys
     Shortly after the war ended Russian and American troops entered Steyr and split the town in half, the river flowing through the town was the divider with Russian and American outposts on either side. In one of these outposts was a man named Calvin DeHart. Whenever Gabrielle would come to the outpost for milk this young soldier would detain her for some reason of interest. 
     Later, after school resumed, he would follow her there. She did not know much english so she and her friends called him and the other American soldiers "stupid monkeys". Later, after Gabrielle finished 2 years of college she married her handsome monkey and returned with him to America. A happy ending to a horrible war.

Calvin & Gabrielle DeHart on their wedding day (she was 17 & he 19). Notice my grandfather is wearing edelweiss on his lapel. Edelweiss  is a rugged flower that grows in the Alps. There is a legend that says if a man truly loved a woman he would scale the mountain to pick an edelweiss for her. It represents daring, courage & noble purity (and in a few places I read it also symbolizes love & dedication). 

Steyr, Austria
To read more about Steyr click here.
Photo Credit

Photo Credit

That was a lot harder to type out unedited then I thought it would be ;-).

I love remembering this conversation with my grandmother and am prompted, if the opportunity should present itself, to ask her more. Sadly, this story's happy ending didn't remain happy forever. My grandfather, while a wonderful sweet man, grew up in a rough backwoods (for lack of a better term) family and my grandmother was the only daughter of well off Catholic parents. It was rough going for them. My grandmother spoke little english and most of my grandfather's family were unkind to her (my grandfather had two brothers and three sisters). After a few years (less than 5) fairly shortly after my dad was born (he has one older sister) my grandparents were divorced. I cannot imagine the pain of divorce, especially back in a day when it was so taboo. My grandmother didn't really know anyone outside my grandfather's family, but would not return home because her children were here. Some years later (I am not sure how many but I don't think it was several) my grandmother married my grandfather's younger brother, who had always been kind to her and they had two daughters together. My grandfather also remarried my grandma Grace and the two of them raised my dad and aunt Linda. My dad did have some contact with his mother, my grandpa got full custody, I assume because it was after the war and my grandmother, to the layman, appeared German. Healing did come in the family eventually, I remember my grandmother and Uncle Bernard coming here to visit us when I was younger. My dad has a wonderful relationship with his mom and I am so happy to have had the chance to know her as an adult. She is a wonderful person, my grandfather was too and I believe they carried (carry, my grandmother is still with us) love in their hearts for one another always. Sometimes fairy tale like stories don't have fairy tale endings.

Heartbreak

Last Friday, my heart was broken. What started as a normal morning was quickly marred by the terrible news that someone had walked into an elementary school and shot up children and teachers. Children. Cold blooded murder is terrible enough but it is something beyond comprehension when it's children. I spent that day and the next (and the next...) weeping off and on, praying in earnest for those who lost their loved ones, for the young lives never to be lived out, for the heroic teachers who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the children in their care, even for a young man so lost he committed the unthinkable. Even as I write this I weep. What tragedy, what indefinable loss, I simply cannot imagine nor will I pretend I can understand.

And then, it started. Post after post, article after article, news reel after news reel. The media, the politicians, all kinds of activists, religious leaders, down to the "common man". People spouting their opinions, offering their "why" theories, pushing their agendas...gun control, mental health, wrath of God, hatred of God, I've heard so many, many different takes (and I've been trying to stay away from it!). The "blame game" started, blame God, blame guns, blame parents, blame mental health workers, etc...People attacking each other in comments, over poems, over articles, over the second amendment, and my heart ached even more.

I wonder if we will ever see how easily we perpetuate conflict, how readily we do it, how eagerly we do it? I wonder what it would be like, if for a time, we simply grieved for those lives lost so needlessly, so tragically. I wonder if we could just set aside our personal opinions and agenda for a period to mourn with the broken hearted. Is it too much to ask to share a little love with one another, even if we disagree? Especially after an event that should open our eyes to what blessings we share. What if we didn't pick apart every second of what happened in some obsessive need to know the details? What if we simply remembered the heroic deeds of those teachers, that principle, and honored them. What if we simply remembered those tiny faces? What if we remember to cherish our own loved ones because we never really know how long we have them, or they us? What if we pray, fervent heartfelt, soul aching prayers for those families, that community, this nation? What if we don't offer explanation for the unexplainable? Or need to know every detail of that young man's life, as if it is all of our business, to "understand" why? Truly, would it matter? Is there anything we could learn that would lessen the horror of what happened? Is there any information we could glean that would make sense of it?

These are merely some of my thoughts on it all. There have been many. I do not claim not to have done some of the things I mention above myself, at least in my own mind or conversations with friends and family. I am human, and I understand our nature. I know these kinds of tragedies cause us to think, to reflect, to problem solve. I believe they should do all of those things, I just feel that maybe, for a time we, as a nation could simply make a choice to honor those victims by laying aside all our junk and weep, wail and mourn. If action must be taken in some form or another to help prevent such a thing from happening again, then let us take it, but not right now. Let's not add to grief by plastering "what if's" or "we should have" or even spouting bad theology (I do not believe this was God's punishment to our country! I won't do what I've talked about by going on but I have to make it clear, there is a lot of false preaching going on right now).

Let us be heartbroken, let us grieve, let us remember to be thankful for what we have. To live in the moment. To love. To cherish. I, for one, will do my best to do just that. And I will take the broken pieces of my heart to the One who binds up the brokenhearted.

The Thankful Tree

HOORAY! Blogger doesn't dislike me anymore! I've had lots of things I have wanted to share but for whatever reason blogger wasn't letting me upload anything. Anyhoo...

This year I was actually on the ball and we made a thankful tree to keep track of things we were thankful for during the month of November. I found some dead branches outside, put them in a mason jar, wrapped a short battery operated set of white twinkle lights (and then wrapped the jar in ribbon to attempt to "hide" the battery pack, we will be doing something a little different next year!), then cut small circles with hole punches in them to hang on the tree with the things we (ok the boys pretty much) were thankful for. It was a fun activity and I loved hearing my boys come up with their "thankfuls" as they called them. The first few days I had to restrain Isaiah & Joshua from filling the tree at once, which made my heart happy. Toward the end of the month they were less enthusiastic and came up with some funny stuff to be thankful for. Bet you can't guess which ones came at the end of the month ;-).  At any rate, in no order, here they are...

• Papa (my dad)
• Snow 
• Daddy
• Earth
• Lego Star Wars (I was not clear if this was the Wii game or the actual legos haha)
• Play set (this summer my husband built them a wonderful play set for the back yard)
• Shop (they love to go out there with their dad and do...well whatever little boys do with a shop full of stuff)
• Zion (cousin)
• Cereal 
• World
• Food & water 
• Mommy
• God
• Legos
• Kayla (cousin)
• Abby (cousin)
• Candy
• Jesus 
• Isaiah (Joshua added this one)
• House
• Papa John (David's dad)
• iPad
• Snow (we got about 6 inches today!!)
• Kenzie (cousin)
• Games
• My boys (I added one or two)
• Coffee (two haha)
• Dogs
• My friends
• Gma Becky (David's mom)
• Thanksgiving
• Power (as in electricity, not super powers;-)
• Taylor (cousin)
• Family (this was my husband's contribution, I love him)
• TV
• David (ok maybe I did three:)
• Joshua (Isaiah's thankful)
• Grapes
• Granny (my mom)

Looking over the list I am certain we managed to lose some before I could post this (stupid blogger!). My kids like to mess with it and I know I've found "thankfuls" in random places, Isaiah even mentioned as I was sitting to write this he found one in his library bag the other day. Ah well. I tell you what I'm thankful for, two cute little boys with joyful, grateful, tender little hearts :).

Very Pintersting

I love Pinterest. I am sure I am not alone, many many people do. One thing that I wish Pinterest had was a review section where people who have tried the things they've pinned (although maybe everyone else is like me and has pinned WAY more than they've tried? Yes? No?), said what they liked/disliked etc... to save the rest of us from trying a bomb or skipping on a treasure (or getting red faces but more on that later). So, I've decided to share with you some things I've tried on Pinterest, give you my twn cents, any changes I made or big fat DON'T DO IT (!!!) warnings. Look for this blog from time to time, I am not going to commit to a weekly post as I just can't guarantee I'll get to enough pins or time to blog weekly but do promise to share what I can, when I can. Here are the first few reviews...

Cauliflower Breadsticks & Pizza Crust

Original recipes I worked from I found here & here

These bad boys were tricky. Neither recipe really gives you amounts (although one is better than the other) so the first time I made them I flew by the seat of my pants so to speak and added what I thought would work. They turned out really good, everyone liked them. The second time I made them...not as great. I like the idea of broiling them because they were firmer but something was just not quite right the second time I made them. I am still ironing out the kinks but I DO know it needs more cheese, salt and seasonings. Here is what I know I did...

Preheat oven at 350*

2 cups grated (I just used my food processor) cauliflower 

1/2 c mozzarella cheese

Oregano to taste (I tried a italian seasonings mix and I liked just the oregano better)

1 egg + 1 egg white

Salt to taste

Garlic to taste- ok I actually liked just using garlic salt better than the jarred garlic I tried the second time. That being said, fresh garlic would probably be yummy. Now, if you try garlic salt, check it before you add more salt. 

***FYI: I will be sure to pay attention to amounts when I have it perfected, for now, I think you'll be better off on your own :)

Mix all ingredients (if you use fresh garlic I would cook it in a pan with some olive oil until fragrant then add) together. Take parchment paper and place inside a loaf ban, cooking sheet, which ever. I used a glass baking dish when I made breadsticks (so they were thicker) and a cookie sheet when I made it into crust (cause I like it thinner). Spread or spray oil on the parchment paper, add the mixed goop and flatten down to desired thickness. Cook in oven for about 30 mins, until it starts to turn golden brown. Then (if in loaf pan) transfer it all to a cookie sheet via the parchment and cook a 10 more mins. If you used a cookie sheet just cook until golden brown. Then pull out, sprinkle some more cheese on top, I used parmesan, you can add more seasoning here too if you wish and throw in broiler for just s few mins to firm it up a little more. If you are making breadsticks you can cut them into pieces before broiling them to crisp all sides. If you are making a crust out of it add your toppings and pop back in until cheese melts on your pizza. Voila! Feel free to mess with the recipe, everyone's tastes are different so you may find things you like better. 

No Bake Chewy Granola Bars

Original recipe found here. 

I LOVE these bars! Love, love, love them. My husband loves them, my kids love them, they are just GOOD. I did make some changes to the recipe though, out of personal preference. As they are I thought they were too sweet, so I took out a tablespoon of honey (3 total, rather than 4). I know it would have been better to remove some of the brown sugar but they didn't hold together as well that way. I also "cooked" the butter, sugar & honey a bit longer which made them firmer. Another variation I tried (and LOVED) was to add a 1/4c of peanut butter to the butter/sugar/honey mix after it was ready to add to the dry ingredients. I stirred it until it was melted/mixed in, then added to the dry ingredients per usual. I use all natural, no sugar added, peanut butter and I recommend doing that. I did not modify the honey when I added the peanut butter, if you use sweetened pb I wouldn't use all the honey. Seriously, these have been HUGE hits with anyone that I've given them to and are way cheaper (and so similar in taste/texture, not to mention healthier) then Quaker brand granola bars. TRY THEM!

Miracle Mask

Claim to fame and directions here. 

"This DIY mask, made of nutmeg, honey, and cinnamon, is calming and soothing for stressed-out skin – in addition, it smells absolutely amazing!", that's what the site claims. Well, I'll be honest- not so much. It was sticky and drippy to wear, my kids thought it looked like poop (which it kinda does) and it burns a little, if you have sensitive skin it would probably burn a lot. In the end all I noticed was my face was red from the cinnamon. I posted the picture of myself below on FB only to have my friend (and owner of her own fantastic line of natural skin care products called Nabele, check them out here!) comment that she'd be careful putting cinnamon on my face and that she'd never heard of using nutmeg as part of a mask before. Note to self, check with Bri before you try anymore weird sounding face masks from Pinterest :). 

 PS. Did you check out the natural skin care stuff? Cause you should have. GO GO! :)

Black Bean & Pumpkin Chili

Recipe found here. 

This stuff was great! And the only recipe in this blog I didn't change haha.  It doesn't taste like pumpkin if you are worried about that, my husband (who is not a pumpkin or chili fan, except my own chili which I'll share someday when I write down what I put in it:) liked it ok. I thought the pumpkin was a great way to thicken the chili (chicken chili tends to be more liquid-y) and uses up any extra you may have around the house during the fall/holiday seasons. I highly recommend this one!

Remember That One Time...

Remember that one time your dad went to the ER puking blood when you were "mid-cycle", the stress of it sending your normal hormones into a tailspin?

Remember that one time you nearly cried when your son thought your (horrible) drawing of a lego seal was "a little funny" and wanting to punch your husband in the teeth because he asked why you were 10 mins later still running water over the finger you'd just stupidly sliced open?

Remember that one time you took a pregnancy test a day before your period was even due because surely the super high anxiety, moodiness, light-headed-ness and cry fests certainly could not just be you?

Remember that one time you went to make your coffee for the day, only to realize you've been giving your, normally solid decaf self, FULLY caffeinated coffee for the past 2 weeks?

Remember that one time your words to your eldest about not letting how you feel (sick, tired, emotional) rule how you act came back to haunt you?

Yeah...me either.

PS. I am not pregnant...

Thankful

It has been a crazy few weeks, month, month and a half. I don't really know how long, I've sort of lost track of time lately. I won't delve into all the details of why it's been crazy, because it would take ages but I will share a little about last week's events and how it ties into this blog title....

Anyway, my dad was diagnosed last year with a rare genetic disorder that has caused severe cirrhosis of his liver. This can cause various complications to his system, the greatest (aside from liver failure, which is likely inevitable & he will need a transplant someday) being a backing up of his blood into vessels in his digestive tract, leading to bulging veins and possible rupture. Well, last week, that happened. He hadn't been feeling well for a few days and on Tuesday morning my mom took him to the ER vomiting blood. No bueno. That first day in the ER looking down at my dad, pale, waxy, mumbling and obviously in pain I excepted to feel total panic, I expected to ball my eyes out and totally flip...but that didn't happen. Obviously, I was heartbroken my dad was so ill. Seeing your hero laid low is not an easy thing to process and yet, standing in that room with him, holding his hand, I was at peace. God's presence just washed over me and I knew, even if the very worst was to happen, the unthinkable loss of my much loved father, things would be ok. At the same time I also just knew he wasn't going to leave us. It was a crazy, almost surreal experience for one such as me who struggled with fear throughout my life. For someone who, when it reached it's crescendo in my life could easily have made me a prisoner in my own home. There was no fear in my heart that day, or any day after it.  My dad is ok now, though I suspect he will be on the watch for symptoms of another rupture, as it is a continual risk.
What does any of this have to do with being thankful? I mean aside from the obvious joy over my dad's recovery? It has allowed me to stand in a place I once never thought I would reach, in awe of the journey it took me to get here. It has opened my eyes to where I was and how far the Lord has brought me. Fear lurked in corners all throughout my life, I thought I was powerless against it, I thought it was just a part of who I was. In the beginning, when it really threatened to take over my life a few years ago, I cowered from it, begged to be released from it, never realizing that fear should be afraid of me. You see, fear only has the power over you that you give it. You, on the other hand, have the power to send it packing, to shut your ears, to defy it's direction for your life. Christ in me gives me all authority, all I have to do, is use it. Once upon a time my dad in a hospital room puking blood would have immobilized me. Last week, it mobilized me. Walking the path I had to trod a few years ago (and everyday since, I still have a choice to make, fear is a tricky stubborn thing) was not easy, honestly, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, truly. Yet, I would not trade those months for anything because who I am now, was molded and shaped by the hand of the Father, who knew my heart, knew my fears, strengthened me, brought me through...and for that I am forever thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. May your day be blessed and cherished. You are so loved.

Not Fatally Afflicted

Here is an excerpt from my devotional this morning ("Life Lessons, 1, 2, 3, John & Jude" Max Lucado) that just hit me right between the eyes (I believe it is originally from his book "Come Thirsty") and I thought I would share with you...

"It took 300 years, but the Black Plague finally reached the quaint village of Eyam, England. George Viccars, a tailor, unpacked a parcel shipped from London. The cloth he'd ordered had arrived. But as he opened and shoot it, he released plague-infected fleas. Within four days he was dead, and the village was doomed. The town unselfishly quarantined itself, seeking to protect the region. Other villages deposited food in an open field and left the people of Eyam to die alone. But to everyone's amazement, many survived. One year later, when outsiders again visited the town, they found half the residents had resisted the disease. How so? They had touched it. Breathed it. One surviving mother had buried six children and her husband in one week. The gravedigger had handled hundreds of diseased corpses yet hadn't died. Why not? How did they survive?
Lineage. Through DNA studies of descendants, scientists found proof of a disease-blocking gene. The gene garrisoned the white blood cells, preventing the bacteria from gaining entrance. The plague, in other words, could touch people with this gene but not kill them. Hence a subpopulace swam in a sea of infection but emerged untouched. All because they had the right parents. What's the secret for surviving the Black Plague? Pick the right ancestry.
Of course they couldn't. But by God you can. You can select your spiritual father. You can change your family tree from that of Adam to God. And when you do, he moves in. His resistance becomes your resistance. His Teflon coating becomes yours. Sin may entice you, but will never enslave you. Sin may, and will. touch you, discourage you, and distract you, but it cannot condemn you. Christ is in you, and you are in him, and "there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1 NIV).
Can I urge you to trust this truth? Let your constant prayer be this; "Lord, I receive your work. My sins are pardoned." Trust the work of God for you. Then trust the presence of Christ in you. Take frequent, refreshing drinks from his well of grace. You need regular reminders that you are not fatally afflicted! Don't live as though you are."

WOW- am I right? Am I the only one who has frequently opted to live life as if I am defeated by it? Am I the only one who can easily forget who my Father is and what it means to have Christ in me? I have never doubted I am God's daughter, but I have often allowed myself to forget who HE is. Or I put him in a tiny little box, limiting his power in my life but refusing to see it. I walk from day to day, condemning myself in my tiny failings, forgetting he has overcome sin itself. I get easily discouraged, distracted and depressed by the things around me, forgetting he has overcome the world. I have often lived my life feeling pressed down, stepped on, crushed by this world, but as a daughter of the Most High God, Creator, Savior, Friend, I have the power to live a part, separated from it. I have the power to rise up, to resist and live a life of freedom. I don't know about you, but I figure it's high time I live my life daily in truth, I am not fatally afflicted, death has no power over me, PERIOD.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The Little Spot in My Heart

I have acid reflux, it is mostly under control these days but occasionally it will flare up, usually at night. When this happens I wake up and my throat feels raw, it's hard to describe but when I breathe in deep it aches, it's tender and sore. I have a place in my heart that is this way, only the raw ache there never goes away because the thing that causes the pain has not. Without going into great detail, because I don't think it's necessary and to protect my loved ones, I want to share a story with you....

     It began many years ago, when a loved one experienced a life altering event, the impact of it was felt by us all. It hurt, it was hard, we struggled, we cried, it was one of those things you don't really think will happen in your family but, because no one is immune to this world and not one of us is perfect, it did. As time passed, slowly, life began to improve, our hearts healed a little, great blessing came out of the situation, and what was before seemed an ages away...
     And then, it wasn't getting better, it was getting worse...& worse... I remember well the day my mom called, I was away in college, with some news that broke my heart. I was too far away to be much help, too far away from anyone for comfort either and so I cried out to the Lord. I was sad, I was heart broken, but mostly I was angry and I told him as much. As I prepared to go work out I ranted to the Lord about the events of the past few years, the toll they'd taken on my family, the hopelessness that seemed to have seeped into the situation. How could this be happening? WHERE was HE? Hadn't he heard our prayers? Hadn't he seen our heart's desires? How could he, after all of that, allow things to happen as they were happening? I told him I was mad, that I didn't think he really was there for us after all. I told him, if he was, well he could just go ahead and make it rain to show me because I just didn't believe it anymore. I love the rain, it's always been a strange comfort to me, washing all things clean and in my desperate hour, it's what I wanted. 
     So I left my dorm, still talking to God, and walked across the intramural field that separated my building from the gym, under a clear sky. As I began working out, I felt convicted of my dare to the Lord. I remembered the devil himself tempting Jesus in the desert, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread"... I wasn't feeling pounded on by God, to clarify to anyone reading this who may not know the Lord,  but I knew that what I had asked was out of a heart of rebellion, of anger, resentment even, and I was sorry. I repented while running, I asked the Lord to help me to have the faith I needed to walk through what was to come while doing sit-ups, all the while I could see nothing but clear blue sky through the high windows. 
      When I finished, I felt better, I felt encouraged, I felt a glimmer of hope. As I began to make my way back to the dorm, listening to my disk-man (hehe, yes it was awhile ago:)  I felt one drop of rain. I stopped where I was, in the middle of the intramural field, certain I had felt something else... and then another drop fell upon my face. I looked up to see one cloud rolling in from nowhere and suddenly it was raining, tears began to flow heavily, laughter welled up within me. I took my time going home, wandering a bit in the rain until it became a beautiful snowfall and I was soaked through. I went to my room and wept, with joy, with thankfulness, with a heart full of hope. You see, God is faithful to supply our needs, he knew my heart, where it really stood, he knew my pain, my heartache. He patiently listened to my raging, my anguish and so lovingly reminded me that he is God and he is true to his word..."For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed." (Isaiah 54:10). 
     Life for this (these) loved one(s) has not improved, in fact, things seem to go from bad to worse until now there is a fear that the unthinkable may happen and things could be forever unchangeable. There are moments when I am overwhelmed by the thought, that raw spot in my heart begins to throb and the pain takes my breathe away. At these moments I  cry out to the Lord, pour out my heart to him, sometimes scream "WHERE are you?!". It seems, at times, impossible that he could be near and yet, I know the truth. He is patient to remind be time after time after time, when doubts roar in my head, of sweet rain on my face coming from a clear sky and a promise that he will never leave or forsake his precious children. My family, yes even those who continually chose their own way despite the pain it causes themselves and those around them, is in the hands of the Father, the Creator, the Comforter, the Healer, the Restorer, our Salvation. The darkest hour comes before dawn, but we needn't fear we can lift our eyes and he gives us hope, because he IS hope. Whatever happens, whatever may come, whatever the consequences of choices made by others outside my control, God is good, he is faithful, he will supply my needs... he holds my heart in his loving hands, my whole heart, even that little spot that aches. 

"He heals the brokenhearted, he binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Dream a Little...

I'm a dreamer, always have been. I suspect it is, in part, due to my Native American ancestry as many in my family (on my mom's side) are. Whatever the reason, I have been one for as long as I can remember. It has been both a blessing and a curse at different times in my life, my vivid imagination can make all dreams, happy, sad, terrifying, joyous, routine, etc... seem very real. My dreams have caused me to wake up laughing, crying, scared, completely convinced events or conversations have taken place that never did. Knowing this about myself (and now mature enough to care), I steer clear of horror movies, graphically violent ones, sexual ones, etc... Anything I don't want in my head, waking or sleeping, I generally try to avoid. It doesn't prevent the bad dreams from coming (I had some whopping scary ones as a child, when I was very sheltered from scary images by my folks), but it does help to keep their numbers down.
My very least favorite dreams are the ones I have just before waking, at least when they are bad dreams (sad, scary, etc... all are bad in my book) because I wake up feeling the weight of the emotions heavy on me. This morning was one of those mornings. I have not been watching anything "bad", but I have recently read books containing facts about some of the terrible things humans have done to one another; the Holocaust, the slave trade and the Khmer Rouge reign in Cambodia. I also just finished watching a mini-series about the infamous Hatfields & McCoys, two families that tried their best to wipe each other out in Kentucky/West Virginia in the 1800s. All of the atrocities talked about in any of the above books/tv shows were real, all committed by people so wrapped up in fear, anger, bitterness, power, hatred, etc... they simply went about destroying lives for reasons many of them probably couldn't name. My dream this morning I am sure was related to these stories that have broken my heart the past few months, and I woke feeling just that; heartbroken, heart sick, saddened but what people can do to one another... not a cheery first thought.
Today I did what I always do waking in this manner, I prayed asking the Lord to help me shake the feeling of sadness and heaviness. Then I grabbed my phone, opened my Bible app and just spun the chapter/verse finder until it stopped and hit enter. It stopped on Philipians 4, and so I read. There were several verses that spoke to me during that particular moment, the first is verse 4: "Always be full of joy in the Lord! I say it again- rejoice!". Sounds totally undoable when you wake up feeling weighted but the answer to the question of how to do it comes shortly after... v.5: "Do not worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.". It's not a bad thing to have your heart broken, in fact, I think our hearts should be breakable. If we don't break for humanity, who will spread Christ's love to them? If we come to a place of hardness, feeling no compassion, we will no longer feel the need to share the love of God to people we encounter. The key to protecting our own hearts comes from taking those things that hurt to the Lord, he alone can carry the weight of the world. We feel, we pray, we release it to God and we are thankful for the things that he has done. What comes next follows in v.6 "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus". Peace that transcends understanding, meaning it goes against anything you would deem "normal". People will not be able to comprehend how you can feel such hurt, sorrow, etc.. and yet you are not taken down by it. Peace in the storm, peace in the struggle, that's what Christ promises, all we have to do is trust him.
Finally, verse 8 "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your eyes thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and praiseworthy". This verse, in context to my morning, spoke to me in this way... Yes there is sadness, hatred and murder in this world. Yes, people are capable of doing terrible things, committing atrocious acts against one another. Yes, I should pray, my heart should break over these things but, I am not to spend my life focusing on them, instead I should set my eyes toward heaven; toward love, truth, hope, joy & peace.  How do I live a joyous life, in the midst of a fallen world? Seek the Lord, lay bare my burdens before him, thank him for the blessings in my life big and small, focus on the things that are good, holy, pure... and his peace will flood my heart, his joy will lighten my steps, just as they did this morning.
Know you are loved my friends. Open your heart, lift your eyes to heaven and dream a little... there is more to life than struggle, so so much more

Cleaning & Organizing & Dusting- OH MY!!!

Ok people, I need some accountability here. I have had a list of "spring cleaning" items to do since, well, spring and now winter is *just* around the corner (here in Ak anyway) and I have got.to.just.DO.it! Seriously, it is absolutely ridiculous that some of these things have not been done...ever... and at this point I have no more excuses. At first it was, well the sun is out I need to be out, then it was school is out we need to be out, then it was school is starting life is chaos and now... well now I got nothing but a list of things still staring be in the face. Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not one of those people who wants a perfect house at the sacrifice of actually living but some things do eventually have to be done, and now is the time.

So, why am I taking the time to share all of this with you? For two reasons really, I am going to throw this out into cyber space so more than just by husband (who is wonderfully patient about all things cleaning, I know, I am so blessed) knows my intentions and hopefully I am slightly more motivated to get it down. I plan on "checking in" and no one wants to check in and say "oh yeah, I didn't do anything" week after week, at least I don't :). Below you will find a list of my "to dos", I intend to set reasonable goals to accomplish them (like one big one a week?) because I am not so naive to think that life will not get in the way a bit and I don't want to be so consumed with "getting 'er done" that I forget to love on my kids, cook for my husband, chat with my friends, because I am a firm believer that those things are more important (obviously, some of the things on my list have been there for.ev.er:). I will also be posting pictures of my accomplishments so you can all ooo & ahhh and make me feel so awesome for doing it. I am also a firm believer that "stay at home moms" do not get enough "atta boys" (as my husband calls them:) and I like "atta boys" or "atta girls" as the case is. I also want to invite you to share any projects you have had sitting in limbo for ages and maybe work "with me" in getting yours done as well. Misery loves company, right? Ok, here goes...

1.) Clean windows, inside and out..... LOOK AT THAT, this blog has already helped me :). After writing the majority of it yesterday I decided to get on the ball & finished this one. Whoopee :). It's very important to me to have clean windows when Alaskan winters roll around because we don't have a lot of daylight and I want to be able to soak up every little ray.
2.) Clean all my cabinets, good. Our house is no longer brand new and shiny, after 2+ years of living I got some gunk in places and frankly I am tired of looking at it. I don't even want to know what the tops of my cabinets look like haha.
3.) Clean all of my doors and trim. Again, not so brand new, not so clean anymore.
4.) Clean my refrigerator. Please, do not panic, I have done this in the two years we have lived here (actually the fridge is 4.5 years old but whatever:). So, those who've been to my home breath easy. That being said, it does need to be done again, freezer too.
5.) ORGANIZE MY OFFICE/CRAFT ROOM!!! Why do I say it like that? Because it has NEVER been done, in the 2 years & 4 months since we moved in, never ever, ever never, has it been organized. It has been at varying stages of awful since that day and I really really need to do something about it, for my husband's peace of mind (he keeps talking about shoveling it out haha) and so I can actually use it. For those that wonder why my husband even cares I will sadly confess that this room is off the kitchen and the door is often open....so it's always in our faces. He has been ever so patient but really, it's just sad it isn't done at this point hahahaha. Whew. Anyway, this is my most daunting task, I just feel overwhelmed by it...but, enough is enough. Face the fear, do the dew... :)
6.) Organize laundry and desk space in the kitchen. These are the way they are because my room isn't functional as it should be, so rather than throw more logs on the fire, I have just made new (smaller) fires... yeah...
7.) Go through my kids' toys (before CHRISTMAS!!) and come up with a better way to have their playroom set up.
8.) Reorganize my bathrooms. I have a confession, for the first 2 years we lived in our home we had one (yes ONE) bathroom mirror. That being sad enough, said mirror was in the bathroom off the kitchen on the opposite side of the house from the bedrooms. Oh, and we have all been using the boys' bathroom for showering (because our master shower is not yet finished, a story in itself I will not go into now) and I dress in my closet. Yes, you are reading that right, all that meant I was using THREE different bathrooms for various stages of getting ready and also means I have stuff all over. Now that I have mirrors in all bathrooms, I need to reorganize all my stuff into my bathroom and distribute other "bathroom things" into the other two. My hope is that when people come to visit they can have the small bathroom (did I mention the one with the mirror was also the smallest?) to shower and get ready all to themselves.
9.) Clean out my truck!! I am embarrassed to admit it has been a looonngg time since I've done this, it has to be done before it gets much colder or else it probably won't get done at all, and that is not an option haha.
10.) Finally, lots of new little random decorating and revamping around my house. Monies have been tight for various reasons since moving in and now that I have a tiny breathing room (and Pinterest!) I want to start decorating more and maybe reorganizing little things.

There you have it, terrifying isn't it? Don't worry, I think my goal is to finish these (except that last one anyway) by 2013, that gives me three months. If I can't get it done...well that's just sad haha. Some things will take an afternoon, some a day, some...a week? But I am determined to finally get them done. In a perfect world, I'll complete them by Thanksgiving so I can just enjoy the holidays crafting away in my new room. I won't hold my breath but it is the goal I am ultimately shooting for, so long as life doesn't get too hairy in the meantime. So, join me? Cheer me? Come to my house and crack a whip over my head? Any takers? :) Wish me luck!

My "office", this is on one of it's better days, you can't see all of it, but you get the idea....egads. 

The one bathroom that had the mirror for so long, it's packed!

Desk in the kitchen... it, like the "office" is actually having a "good day" here 

My Heart's Cry

To love God, to love people. To walk in humility, live by faith. To extend grace, mercy & forgiveness. To share truth, joy, hope & peace. To see lives transformed, hearts healed, people set free. There are times I will stumble, times I will fall, when I do He will be there to help me back up and I will dust myself off and try again. Ever changing, ever moving forward. Why? Because this is my heart's delight, my life's ambition, my passion...it is who I am and what I was created to do. ♥

Life in the Sticks: Crazy Moose

I love living out of the way a bit here in Wasilla. Technically, I guess, I don't even live in Wasilla but that's what we consider our "hometown" anyway. We live about 5 miles north, then 4 miles off the main drag (for those that don't know Ak, there aren't any "freeways" in the traditional sense and really only four main highways), 2 miles of dirt road...anyway, rambling back to the point :), we are a bit out of the way. We are blessed to have 30 acres of Alaskan wood & meadow and because we do, we see a lot of wildlife around here. Our favorite is the moose, we love moose. Last night I was able to catch a first for me, two cows with calves, apparently, too close for one another's comfort. These pictures were taken in my back yard, I am on my patio and they are less than 50 yards from me. It.was.awesome. Check it out....

Cow on left, with calf out of shot, spots cow on right (one of two babies in shot).

They move toward each other, note one's ears are down already (sign of aggression).

Both ears are down now. This actually happened really fast, I didn't have time to mess with settings, so the shots are all a but out of focus. 

Finally BOOM! I cannot express enough how BUMMED I was this was blurry, I was just snapping too quickly! Even so, you can see that one cow reared up on the other who promptly took off with calf behind her. I have seen both cows around a lot lately so I have set my camera to action and am keeping it handy just in case. 

Pretty incredible, huh? For some more fun moose stories check out the winter we got our trucks continually "custom cleaned" by our resident moose here (and pardon the repeat about 30 acres, it was written two years ago I think).

33 Memories for 33 Years: Part 2

I know you have been on pins & needles waiting for "the sequel" ;-), if you missed the first set click here, or ya know just glance to your right & click the link ;-). I'll be honest, some of these will be multi-memories together because the more I write, the more I love to remember. I actually think I will be doing a "regular" post with random memories, and by "regular" I mean when I think about them and have the time, not every Monday is "Monday Memories" :). As much as I hope to blog regularly I also know that I get busy with living and don't always remember to. So anyhoo....enjoy....

21.) When David surprised me in his kitchen with a ring and a proposal :). I knew he was planning on asking me but I was not prepared when he did. Best yes I ever uttered :)

22.) The crazy week of my wedding. We had so many friends and family piled into by parent's 2000 ft2 ranch that us "young-ins'" were in the back in tents, separated by boys & girls. That's right I spent my wedding eve in a tent, and had a blast!! It was a fun, busy, stressful and awesome week! The northern lights even came out (in August- nuts!) the night before we got married, it was pretty cool. My wedding day was great, although I admit all I really cared about was getting married to the long haired, guitar playing, tender hearted, funny, sweet, Jesus loving man standing at the front waiting for me. A lot of things went awry on our wedding day; my hair took 2.5 hours to fix (yeah, I know) making me late, my little flower girls/ring bearer didn't want to walk (cut them slack they were little:), the church being out of communion supplies so we had communion with Dr. Pepper & croutons (I was not aware of this before it actually happened, I was quite surprised to find DP instead of grape juice and crunched that crouton LOUD hahaha). My favorite mishap memory of the day is my grandma getting lost on the way to the reception, which was near her house, so she drove home to get her cordless phone to drive around with in case someone called looking for her. She did eventually find the place, thank goodness, and the memory of her antics with the phone still make me smile (and are classic Bebe, to read more about her click here). 

23.) The Door...so many great memories being a part of the worship team for The Door (a non-denominational service geared toward younger folks when I was in college). Man, you guys were so awesome. Here's a few memories off the top of my head, Tim starting "Lord You're Beautiful" fast and when he realized his mistake he just laid down on the drum set, Jeff's guitar strap coming loose mid-song and the neck of it hitting him in the face, me totally missing the last step and falling off the stage flat onto my face after a set, I crawled to my seat hahahaha. I loved singing with you (you know who you are) talented ladies, worshiping the Lord together, trips to Hermiston, hours in the basement (a recording studio where we made a cd, not a torture chamber haha)...Man I miss those days sometimes!!

24.) Playing Cranium with friends and the day Narm acted our Michael Jackson...oh man, think I almost peed myself!

25.) Girls nights, pumpkin carving, gingerbread house making, watching scary movies (remember "Jeepers Creepers" Megan? And Steph sitting up saying "sure it's all super creepy until the bad guy sprouts a wing!". Julia & my (not on the same day!) bachelorette parties should be included here, however late in the time line they may or may not be. So.much.fun. 

26.) Graduating from college, I was one of the first in my family. I got to make a trip to my grandmother's before the big day with my parents, sis and nieces and later my cousin and aunt showed up to support me too. It was a good week!

27.)Saying goodbye to Oregon, it was so so hard to leave and yet we knew God was leading us somewhere else. I remember David dismantling the giant desk he had built for me and loading it up for Kristen to take home. We had the first yard sale I'd ever done myself and it was so hard to let go of some things, but in the end it was only stuff. As much as I miss Oregon (& my friends/family there!) I still know, 8 years later almost (wow!) that here is where we are meant to be. I love Alaska, David has grown to love it and thankfully we have many friends and family (& a great church!) here to soften the longing for our distant family and friends.

28.) Finding out I was finally pregnant with my first born! It had taken nearly a year to get pregnant and testing was in our near future. Eight months later my handsome, sweet Isaiah was born. Life has never been the same and we are both SO thankful for that. 

29.) The birth of our second son, Joshua. He was such a strong big guy from the start, and so beautiful (just like his brother). He has been a blessing, and I love having two little men in the house. I always wanted two boys, I love to watch them interact as brothers (ok, most of the time, lets keep it real, peeling them off each other in the middle of a grocery store is not so awesome HA!). Both my boys are so sweet and loving, I am such a blessed momma!

30.) Family camping trips! Oh, and the girls camping trips. Both are an annual tradition, although the last few years it seems like at least one of them as not happened, much to my sadness. They make up some of my favorite camping memories...Family Trips: David accidentally shooting my sister in the butt with a pellet gun, a fierce thunderstorm one night while we tried to set up, getting flooded out of one spot and being forced to camp in our friend's yard (while they were away) because it was Memorial Day weekend and no one had vacancies... Girl's Trips: hanging out late into the night laughing till our faces hurt, watching the 4th of July parade in Homer with some very excited candy nabbing kids, watching eagles from up close & catching a glimpse of a local legend the Time Bandit...

31.) Turning 30, having two of my best friends from college here (Karey & Julia) to celebrate and being totally surprised by a party full of friends and family at a local bouncy house!! It was mostly all adults and IT.WAS.FUN. That whole week was pretty awesome having Karey & Julia (& Jack, Karey's second youngest boy) here, we had such a wonderful time together. 

32.) Our first trip to Hawaii last spring. We had SUCH a wonderful time snorkeling, playing on the beach, playing cards with David's mom & dad. Our kids loved it and so did we. 

33.) Lastly (for now:), the joint birthday slumber party (with Sarah of course:) with some of my favorite girls. We had such a great night, laughing so much my face started to hurt. I am so blessed to know so many incredible women! To make it all even cooler, Karey showed up as a TOTAL surprise and was here for a whole week with her newest little man. I was SO SO happy to have her here, time with her is always well spent:). My actual birthday too was pretty great, spent the day with some of my best friends, drinking coffee (free for my bday!), having lunch. I probably mentioned all that in my first post but since I can't remember and don't want to close out and check, let's just pretend I didn't :). 

Birthday slumber party for Sarah & I with some awesome women!

Birthday coffee & lunch with some of my besties. I am so lucky!

33 Memories for 33 Years: Part 1

Just last week I turned 33. It seems impossible that I am already in my mid-30s, as I feel as young as I ever have, but the fact remains I am. This year was a fantastic one for me, one of my best friends from college surprised me by showing up at my house at 11 pm for a week long visit! I also had plans for a slumber party, joint birthday with my cousin (& bestie from forever:) and a posse of our friends, kid free! In celebration of my 33 years, I've decided to share 33 memories with you. Now, these are not from each year of my life (I hope that would be obvious:) nor is it likely I'll be running them in chronological order, please I am just not that organized :). There are good ones, sad ones, funny ones, etc... literary snapshots from my life thus far. Here are the first 20...turns out 33 is a lot to list all at once. Didn't want to take all of your time :)

1.)The day I asked Jesus into my heart. I think I was about five. I know I was young because my memory of this event is distorted, it must be how I felt, rather than what actually happened. In my memory only my mom & the pastor are in the church, the rest of the pews empty, as I am the second of four children the odds this is how it was are slim :). It doesn't really matter anyway, I know that I felt the presence of God and fully understood what I was asking and my life has been forever guided by that decision. 

2.) Watching "Star Wars" up on "the farm" (Pitchfork Ranch, Palmer) with my cousins. My aunt would let us go to the "grab what you want" candy bins at our local grocery and take us back up to sit, watch & eat to our hearts content (she must have been nuts haha). 

3.) Getting bit in the bootie by Fancy, my cousin's horse, also on the farm. I was just sitting on the fence, minding my own business, talking to Tommy (cousin, not his horse though:) when YEEOWW! I launched off that fence and half ran/half hobbled into the house, screaming like a banshee I am sure. It hurt for days, that was one gnarly bruise. To this day I am still not certain what possessed her. 

4.) Falling off the punching bag we used to swing on (yes I said swing on:) in the basement of our home. I was the unfortunate one who climbed aboard last, and the screw that had already come lose finally gave way and I dropped to the floor, punching bag on my stomach. That hurt a lot too HA!

5.) Playing "Smurfs" with my best friend Samantha, we would break sticks into tiny pieces use them as smurfs, and play in mushroom patches for hours. 

6.) My joint slumber party with Sarah (my cousin mentioned above, we have lots of parties together:), where we gals got ourselves so scared the slightest sound outside caused us to pile up in the entry way  in an attempt to all get inside, forcing the doorknob right through the wall. Whoops!
7.) Being in Denali Park, walking out on a trail with my cousins Sarah & Kimberly when the people at the buses above us yelled "you girls better get up here, there's a BEAR!". I looked over just in time to see the sow and her cubs racing down the ravine to our right headed STRAIGHT for us. My poor cousin from West Virginia (Kimberly) was freaking out, while Sarah tried to keep us calm. Needless to say, we survived, but I think that's the closest I've come to wetting my pants HA!
8.) Dancing in the kitchen with my daddy (yes, my daddy) many many times growing up and how he would sing "How Much is that Doggie in the Window" while getting ready for church.

9.) Every wonderful, loud, musical and joyous family holiday when I was growing up. We don't have them nearly as much anymore, we have gotten SO big, and it's not quite the same when you are the one doing all the work ;-) but they encompass many of my very favorite moments growing up. We kids would eat until we felt like popping, lay around until we had some room, gorge on desserts and egg nog and wait some more :). One of my favorites was (again:) up on the farm, my uncle made up new lyrics to "Up on the Housetop" and we all laughed and laughed. I can still remember the words...

10.) My first few weeks in a new high school, somewhere I did not want to be. I felt so outcast as many of the students had known each other for ages, not to mention I had made a vow to myself not to make friends (you know, in protest for being there at all). I'll never forget my locker neighbor and his persistence in befriending me, which led to more friendships and complete obliteration of my vow to remain friendless. In the end, I loved Kenai and have friendships still from that time. 

11.) Making All-Northwest honor choir my senior year of high school and getting to spend time in Seattle, I'd never been!

12.) Speaking of choir, how about every moment when you are a part of an ensemble and everyone is singing just right...the sound is incredible. I miss that.

13.) The day I was pulled out of English class to be told my dad was coming to get me because my grandfather had just passed away. It was not unexpected, as he had fallen ill a few months earlier, but it was still hard. I love my grandpa and still miss him.
14.) Senior graduation, getting to sing with Kenya, rocking out to Mary Pain..Payne (can't remember the spelling, sorry guys, I can still sing the songs:), the rec center after. Such a fun night!

15.) Spending my first night away from home in a new state, totally terrified about being on my own. Thankfully, my cousin Tommy and I attended the same college, he was less freaked (or at least appeared to be) than I. He was sweet enough to forgo going out with the friend he knew (who's house we were staying at the first night) and stay in with me, assuring me it would all be fine. 

16.) The day a small quiet girl from choir class came over and introduced herself as Julia, 30 seconds later becoming my best friend & constant companion in college... (it *might* have been slightly longer than that, but not much:).
17.) Swing dancing with Tommy during college dances. Or the time he rescued me from some guy that wouldn't stop trying to bump and grind me by dancing in between us and dragging me away.
18.) A night at the drive in with friends, including this guy David I had gotten to know a little over the recent months and my sudden awareness that I liked sitting next to him (& secretly hoped he would reach for my hand:). Later he walked with me during my assigned leg of the Relay for Life, we were supposed to walk an hour (from 1-2am), I think we walked four :).
19.) My first night back for my sophomore year of college and Julia, who was supposed to be away with YWAM turned up to surprise me AND ask if I could be in her WEDDING!
20.) Julia's wedding day and the little ring bearer farting...I did NOT think I was going to maintain my composure in front of the whole church. 

 STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT 13 !....PS. Turns out they were mostly in chronological order HA

Twelve Years...But Who's Counting?

I am a little behind on blog posts...again, but I really want to work on re-prioritizing my time to make time to blog more. I really do enjoy it and have had SO MANY ideas floating around, I seem to always get distracted when I sit down to actually put thoughts to ummm.. keyboard? So, although this is a few weeks late I am going to share it anyway, cause I can and you can't stop me ;-)....


ANNNDD now I am even later because somebody's best friend showed up as a TOTAL surprise for her birthday and I had NOT finished the post I started hahaha. Oh well, that's the best kind of distraction :) (and I'll talk about it soon:). SO....here I am, starting again...again


August 12th my husband and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage. I can hardly believe that it's been that long, but since we got married in '00 and I have to write the date every day practically I can hardly deny the '12. It seems like life is always moving forward so rapidly I can hardly keep track but here we are, 12 years after our "I dos". This year we were blessed to get an entire weekend to ourselves. Finances being tighter this year (who's aren't?) we decided to save the money and stick close to home. We spent a day bumming around Anchorage, had lunch (free! Thanks to a forgotten Christmas gift card:) and doing a little shopping, a precious little, neither of us are shoppers:). The second day we went hiking in one of my very favorite places, Hatcher's Pass, on the Reed Lakes trail. It was SO great to be outside, even if the weather was a bit foggy, plus we got a lot of chat time...well at least when we weren't scaling the mountain or the GIANT boulder field. I told David the next time we take that trail I was going to hobble his stride to match mine (he's 6'3", I'm 5'5") so he was forced to travel at my speed haha. Still, it was a good day and even though we didn't make it all the way to the lower lake (poor signage & increasing fog) it was fun and a wonderful reminder that while we are partners, parents, etc... we are also still best friends.

I think it's important for married couples to spend time alone together doing FUN things, not just housework/chores. It's a great way to keep track of your marital health, if you reach a point where you don't really want to spend time like this, it's time to evaluate your relationship. Maintaining a long, happy and healthy marriage requires work, diligence, a willingness to check yourself, your motives, a willingness to listen to your spouses concerns, flexibility. Life is dynamic, ever changing, ever moving, it has ebbs and flows, struggles and joys, if we cannot adjust our relationships to suite this fact of life, they struggle and often fail. If we lose sight of why we got married to our spouse in the first place, or the things we love to love about them, we can easily become self-focused and, again, our relationships suffer. I am not saying that I have gotten this right, by any means. In all transparency, there was a time where I did very little of the things I have just advised. I became very self focused in my marriage, our struggles became all about his failings and nothing about my own. I lost sight of many of the wonderful things about my husband, choosing to focus on the things he wasn't doing in our relationship or in his own life, rather than choosing to focus on his many good qualities and lifting him in prayer for the things he struggled with. Note that I emphasized the fact that it was my choice to think about the negative and not the positive. When life is hard, when we face trials in life/relationships, we have a choice to make, to chose to focus on our blessings, in spite of our struggles, or to chose to focus on our struggles. We do get to decide, believe it or not. I am so thankful that after walking through my own struggles, God lovingly showed me areas of my own heart that needed some work. As I began to work through those issues, my focus shifted in my marriage. It wasn't about his failings, his negative qualities anymore, I was able to see my own part in our difficulties and when I started to take responsibility for them, things changed. My heart changed toward David, whom I have always loved but didn't always appreciate as I should, things are so much better and getting better every day.

I know that if we are going to last a lifetime together (which I fully intend to do) there will be times where we are less connected, times when we feel like one being...it's part of the ebs and flows of relationship. I do believe, that so long as we put God center, make our relationship always a priority, are open and transparent with each other, chose to focus on the good things and pray for one another we will make it. I can promise this, so long as I have breath I am certainly going to try to do it right. David is an incredible man, I believe God put us together, what I have with him I could never have with another. I am blessed and I will remember...

Heading up

At the top of the first ridge

There were an insane amount of BOULDERS to climb over & around.

Where we thought we were supposed to stop hahaha

Heading back down

Beautiful place...