The Little Spot in My Heart

I have acid reflux, it is mostly under control these days but occasionally it will flare up, usually at night. When this happens I wake up and my throat feels raw, it's hard to describe but when I breathe in deep it aches, it's tender and sore. I have a place in my heart that is this way, only the raw ache there never goes away because the thing that causes the pain has not. Without going into great detail, because I don't think it's necessary and to protect my loved ones, I want to share a story with you....

     It began many years ago, when a loved one experienced a life altering event, the impact of it was felt by us all. It hurt, it was hard, we struggled, we cried, it was one of those things you don't really think will happen in your family but, because no one is immune to this world and not one of us is perfect, it did. As time passed, slowly, life began to improve, our hearts healed a little, great blessing came out of the situation, and what was before seemed an ages away...
     And then, it wasn't getting better, it was getting worse...& worse... I remember well the day my mom called, I was away in college, with some news that broke my heart. I was too far away to be much help, too far away from anyone for comfort either and so I cried out to the Lord. I was sad, I was heart broken, but mostly I was angry and I told him as much. As I prepared to go work out I ranted to the Lord about the events of the past few years, the toll they'd taken on my family, the hopelessness that seemed to have seeped into the situation. How could this be happening? WHERE was HE? Hadn't he heard our prayers? Hadn't he seen our heart's desires? How could he, after all of that, allow things to happen as they were happening? I told him I was mad, that I didn't think he really was there for us after all. I told him, if he was, well he could just go ahead and make it rain to show me because I just didn't believe it anymore. I love the rain, it's always been a strange comfort to me, washing all things clean and in my desperate hour, it's what I wanted. 
     So I left my dorm, still talking to God, and walked across the intramural field that separated my building from the gym, under a clear sky. As I began working out, I felt convicted of my dare to the Lord. I remembered the devil himself tempting Jesus in the desert, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread"... I wasn't feeling pounded on by God, to clarify to anyone reading this who may not know the Lord,  but I knew that what I had asked was out of a heart of rebellion, of anger, resentment even, and I was sorry. I repented while running, I asked the Lord to help me to have the faith I needed to walk through what was to come while doing sit-ups, all the while I could see nothing but clear blue sky through the high windows. 
      When I finished, I felt better, I felt encouraged, I felt a glimmer of hope. As I began to make my way back to the dorm, listening to my disk-man (hehe, yes it was awhile ago:)  I felt one drop of rain. I stopped where I was, in the middle of the intramural field, certain I had felt something else... and then another drop fell upon my face. I looked up to see one cloud rolling in from nowhere and suddenly it was raining, tears began to flow heavily, laughter welled up within me. I took my time going home, wandering a bit in the rain until it became a beautiful snowfall and I was soaked through. I went to my room and wept, with joy, with thankfulness, with a heart full of hope. You see, God is faithful to supply our needs, he knew my heart, where it really stood, he knew my pain, my heartache. He patiently listened to my raging, my anguish and so lovingly reminded me that he is God and he is true to his word..."For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed." (Isaiah 54:10). 
     Life for this (these) loved one(s) has not improved, in fact, things seem to go from bad to worse until now there is a fear that the unthinkable may happen and things could be forever unchangeable. There are moments when I am overwhelmed by the thought, that raw spot in my heart begins to throb and the pain takes my breathe away. At these moments I  cry out to the Lord, pour out my heart to him, sometimes scream "WHERE are you?!". It seems, at times, impossible that he could be near and yet, I know the truth. He is patient to remind be time after time after time, when doubts roar in my head, of sweet rain on my face coming from a clear sky and a promise that he will never leave or forsake his precious children. My family, yes even those who continually chose their own way despite the pain it causes themselves and those around them, is in the hands of the Father, the Creator, the Comforter, the Healer, the Restorer, our Salvation. The darkest hour comes before dawn, but we needn't fear we can lift our eyes and he gives us hope, because he IS hope. Whatever happens, whatever may come, whatever the consequences of choices made by others outside my control, God is good, he is faithful, he will supply my needs... he holds my heart in his loving hands, my whole heart, even that little spot that aches. 

"He heals the brokenhearted, he binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Dream a Little...

I'm a dreamer, always have been. I suspect it is, in part, due to my Native American ancestry as many in my family (on my mom's side) are. Whatever the reason, I have been one for as long as I can remember. It has been both a blessing and a curse at different times in my life, my vivid imagination can make all dreams, happy, sad, terrifying, joyous, routine, etc... seem very real. My dreams have caused me to wake up laughing, crying, scared, completely convinced events or conversations have taken place that never did. Knowing this about myself (and now mature enough to care), I steer clear of horror movies, graphically violent ones, sexual ones, etc... Anything I don't want in my head, waking or sleeping, I generally try to avoid. It doesn't prevent the bad dreams from coming (I had some whopping scary ones as a child, when I was very sheltered from scary images by my folks), but it does help to keep their numbers down.
My very least favorite dreams are the ones I have just before waking, at least when they are bad dreams (sad, scary, etc... all are bad in my book) because I wake up feeling the weight of the emotions heavy on me. This morning was one of those mornings. I have not been watching anything "bad", but I have recently read books containing facts about some of the terrible things humans have done to one another; the Holocaust, the slave trade and the Khmer Rouge reign in Cambodia. I also just finished watching a mini-series about the infamous Hatfields & McCoys, two families that tried their best to wipe each other out in Kentucky/West Virginia in the 1800s. All of the atrocities talked about in any of the above books/tv shows were real, all committed by people so wrapped up in fear, anger, bitterness, power, hatred, etc... they simply went about destroying lives for reasons many of them probably couldn't name. My dream this morning I am sure was related to these stories that have broken my heart the past few months, and I woke feeling just that; heartbroken, heart sick, saddened but what people can do to one another... not a cheery first thought.
Today I did what I always do waking in this manner, I prayed asking the Lord to help me shake the feeling of sadness and heaviness. Then I grabbed my phone, opened my Bible app and just spun the chapter/verse finder until it stopped and hit enter. It stopped on Philipians 4, and so I read. There were several verses that spoke to me during that particular moment, the first is verse 4: "Always be full of joy in the Lord! I say it again- rejoice!". Sounds totally undoable when you wake up feeling weighted but the answer to the question of how to do it comes shortly after... v.5: "Do not worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.". It's not a bad thing to have your heart broken, in fact, I think our hearts should be breakable. If we don't break for humanity, who will spread Christ's love to them? If we come to a place of hardness, feeling no compassion, we will no longer feel the need to share the love of God to people we encounter. The key to protecting our own hearts comes from taking those things that hurt to the Lord, he alone can carry the weight of the world. We feel, we pray, we release it to God and we are thankful for the things that he has done. What comes next follows in v.6 "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus". Peace that transcends understanding, meaning it goes against anything you would deem "normal". People will not be able to comprehend how you can feel such hurt, sorrow, etc.. and yet you are not taken down by it. Peace in the storm, peace in the struggle, that's what Christ promises, all we have to do is trust him.
Finally, verse 8 "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your eyes thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and praiseworthy". This verse, in context to my morning, spoke to me in this way... Yes there is sadness, hatred and murder in this world. Yes, people are capable of doing terrible things, committing atrocious acts against one another. Yes, I should pray, my heart should break over these things but, I am not to spend my life focusing on them, instead I should set my eyes toward heaven; toward love, truth, hope, joy & peace.  How do I live a joyous life, in the midst of a fallen world? Seek the Lord, lay bare my burdens before him, thank him for the blessings in my life big and small, focus on the things that are good, holy, pure... and his peace will flood my heart, his joy will lighten my steps, just as they did this morning.
Know you are loved my friends. Open your heart, lift your eyes to heaven and dream a little... there is more to life than struggle, so so much more

Cleaning & Organizing & Dusting- OH MY!!!

Ok people, I need some accountability here. I have had a list of "spring cleaning" items to do since, well, spring and now winter is *just* around the corner (here in Ak anyway) and I have got.to.just.DO.it! Seriously, it is absolutely ridiculous that some of these things have not been done...ever... and at this point I have no more excuses. At first it was, well the sun is out I need to be out, then it was school is out we need to be out, then it was school is starting life is chaos and now... well now I got nothing but a list of things still staring be in the face. Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not one of those people who wants a perfect house at the sacrifice of actually living but some things do eventually have to be done, and now is the time.

So, why am I taking the time to share all of this with you? For two reasons really, I am going to throw this out into cyber space so more than just by husband (who is wonderfully patient about all things cleaning, I know, I am so blessed) knows my intentions and hopefully I am slightly more motivated to get it down. I plan on "checking in" and no one wants to check in and say "oh yeah, I didn't do anything" week after week, at least I don't :). Below you will find a list of my "to dos", I intend to set reasonable goals to accomplish them (like one big one a week?) because I am not so naive to think that life will not get in the way a bit and I don't want to be so consumed with "getting 'er done" that I forget to love on my kids, cook for my husband, chat with my friends, because I am a firm believer that those things are more important (obviously, some of the things on my list have been there for.ev.er:). I will also be posting pictures of my accomplishments so you can all ooo & ahhh and make me feel so awesome for doing it. I am also a firm believer that "stay at home moms" do not get enough "atta boys" (as my husband calls them:) and I like "atta boys" or "atta girls" as the case is. I also want to invite you to share any projects you have had sitting in limbo for ages and maybe work "with me" in getting yours done as well. Misery loves company, right? Ok, here goes...

1.) Clean windows, inside and out..... LOOK AT THAT, this blog has already helped me :). After writing the majority of it yesterday I decided to get on the ball & finished this one. Whoopee :). It's very important to me to have clean windows when Alaskan winters roll around because we don't have a lot of daylight and I want to be able to soak up every little ray.
2.) Clean all my cabinets, good. Our house is no longer brand new and shiny, after 2+ years of living I got some gunk in places and frankly I am tired of looking at it. I don't even want to know what the tops of my cabinets look like haha.
3.) Clean all of my doors and trim. Again, not so brand new, not so clean anymore.
4.) Clean my refrigerator. Please, do not panic, I have done this in the two years we have lived here (actually the fridge is 4.5 years old but whatever:). So, those who've been to my home breath easy. That being said, it does need to be done again, freezer too.
5.) ORGANIZE MY OFFICE/CRAFT ROOM!!! Why do I say it like that? Because it has NEVER been done, in the 2 years & 4 months since we moved in, never ever, ever never, has it been organized. It has been at varying stages of awful since that day and I really really need to do something about it, for my husband's peace of mind (he keeps talking about shoveling it out haha) and so I can actually use it. For those that wonder why my husband even cares I will sadly confess that this room is off the kitchen and the door is often open....so it's always in our faces. He has been ever so patient but really, it's just sad it isn't done at this point hahahaha. Whew. Anyway, this is my most daunting task, I just feel overwhelmed by it...but, enough is enough. Face the fear, do the dew... :)
6.) Organize laundry and desk space in the kitchen. These are the way they are because my room isn't functional as it should be, so rather than throw more logs on the fire, I have just made new (smaller) fires... yeah...
7.) Go through my kids' toys (before CHRISTMAS!!) and come up with a better way to have their playroom set up.
8.) Reorganize my bathrooms. I have a confession, for the first 2 years we lived in our home we had one (yes ONE) bathroom mirror. That being sad enough, said mirror was in the bathroom off the kitchen on the opposite side of the house from the bedrooms. Oh, and we have all been using the boys' bathroom for showering (because our master shower is not yet finished, a story in itself I will not go into now) and I dress in my closet. Yes, you are reading that right, all that meant I was using THREE different bathrooms for various stages of getting ready and also means I have stuff all over. Now that I have mirrors in all bathrooms, I need to reorganize all my stuff into my bathroom and distribute other "bathroom things" into the other two. My hope is that when people come to visit they can have the small bathroom (did I mention the one with the mirror was also the smallest?) to shower and get ready all to themselves.
9.) Clean out my truck!! I am embarrassed to admit it has been a looonngg time since I've done this, it has to be done before it gets much colder or else it probably won't get done at all, and that is not an option haha.
10.) Finally, lots of new little random decorating and revamping around my house. Monies have been tight for various reasons since moving in and now that I have a tiny breathing room (and Pinterest!) I want to start decorating more and maybe reorganizing little things.

There you have it, terrifying isn't it? Don't worry, I think my goal is to finish these (except that last one anyway) by 2013, that gives me three months. If I can't get it done...well that's just sad haha. Some things will take an afternoon, some a day, some...a week? But I am determined to finally get them done. In a perfect world, I'll complete them by Thanksgiving so I can just enjoy the holidays crafting away in my new room. I won't hold my breath but it is the goal I am ultimately shooting for, so long as life doesn't get too hairy in the meantime. So, join me? Cheer me? Come to my house and crack a whip over my head? Any takers? :) Wish me luck!

My "office", this is on one of it's better days, you can't see all of it, but you get the idea....egads. 

The one bathroom that had the mirror for so long, it's packed!

Desk in the kitchen... it, like the "office" is actually having a "good day" here