Resolution

Sometimes life is hard. There are days where you feel like you and your loved ones are being pummeled by boulders while the word watches waiting to see if you'll fall. I have experienced these days more than once in my 33 years, I have suffered heartache, the kind that physically hurts and you feel certain it's going to break you. I've been so crippled by fear, leaving the safety of my home was almost impossible. I have suffered loss, loss of family & friends, loss of relationships, loss of dreams in my life. I've cried until my eyes were nearly swollen shut, I have suffered anguish, I have wondered "why?!?", I have been angry with the Lord, I have screamed at him within my own heart, I have questioned his power, his authority, his very goodness. Sometimes it feels like moving from day to day requires more strength then I have the ability to muster, and really, it does. These are the days when I have to grab hold of what I know to be true, even if I may not feel it, to set my eyes on heaven, to resolve in my heart to be obedient to the will of the Lord, even when I cannot see where I'm headed. Because, you see, I have overcome much in life, not by the power of my positive thinking or strength of my own will but by the power of grace. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8). I have experienced inexplicable peace (Phill. 4:7) in the midst of great anguish, in the middle of dark swirling fear. I have felt the redemptive power of forgiveness and repentance in my life. I have been set free from heavy chains that bound me in ways I wasn't even fully aware of. I have been brought up from the depths of muck and mire (Psalm 40:2) by nail scarred hands that had long desired for me to reach up, into the arms of a loving Savior, who'd called to me in my stumbling darkness. I have experienced the living Word of God in my life (Heb. 4:12), not simply words on a page of some ancient book, but living breathing truth. My heart is free, my life full of joy, even when it's hard, even when there is heartbreak, even when fear pounds on my doorstep. These past few months have felt very much like a boxing match for my family, feels like we have been hit on all sides, I've cried many tears, but you know what? God is still here, he has never left my side, he has gone before and followed behind me (Deut. 31:8), I feel him, his peace, his comfort, his joy. So, once again, I will fix my eyes on him, set my face upon what is true, surrender my heartache to the loving arms of my Jesus and resolve to not only survive 2013 (and every year) but to grow in the Lord, share the goodness of God, learn, love as Christ himself loved and cherish every moment of this life. Whatever my time here is, I want to be used mightily by God, to love those put in my path fiercely and experience every good gift from my heavenly Father.

"I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” 

John 16:33 (Msg)

Flashback Friday

Ok, so this is a new idea for bimonthly-ish :) blog post featuring writings, drawings, photographs, memories from my past. Any writings I post here will be mostly unedited from their original form, I will only make any corrections my teacher (if it was something for school) at the time. I am pretty excited about doing these, mainly because my memory is not always awesome and having these things cataloged somewhere will be awesome. Plus, it's always fun to share :).  

Today's post will be a paper I wrote in 8th grade about how my fraternal grandmother and how my grandparents met. I called my grandmother and interviewed her about it, so the story is 100% authentic. Enjoy, from my 8th grade self :)

The Early War
     Gabrielle Janich was a nine year old girl when her father took her to church that day in Steyr, Austria. He waited for her to come out at the park across the street as he usually did, but this time when Gabrielle came out of the church, something was wrong. All the men in town were huddled in a circle whispering about something, and when she approached they told her to go away. 
     The next day Adolf Hitler and his Nazi soldiers set up troops and invaded her small town. They built a concentration camp just outside of Steyr. Every day when the troops would march the prisoners through the streets the women and young girls would throw them pieces of bread and cigarettes.

The Hard Times 
     After America got into the war Austria was bombed. One day one of those bombs struck Gabrielle's home with everyone still in it. The house fell to the ground burying it's occupants. The Janich's neighbors dug them out and no one was harmed. 
    After the bombing Gabrielle just went back to school as usual. During the winter afternoons when the class got sleepy her teachers would drag them out into the cold and make them exercise, telling them to ignore the Nazi troops. 

Nearing the End
     Toward the end of the war school was closed and the girls were made to work in loading the guns used to shoot planes out of the sky. Gabrielle was not one of those girls, her father sent her to a farm away from Steyr so she would be safe. 

The Stupid Monkeys
     Shortly after the war ended Russian and American troops entered Steyr and split the town in half, the river flowing through the town was the divider with Russian and American outposts on either side. In one of these outposts was a man named Calvin DeHart. Whenever Gabrielle would come to the outpost for milk this young soldier would detain her for some reason of interest. 
     Later, after school resumed, he would follow her there. She did not know much english so she and her friends called him and the other American soldiers "stupid monkeys". Later, after Gabrielle finished 2 years of college she married her handsome monkey and returned with him to America. A happy ending to a horrible war.

Calvin & Gabrielle DeHart on their wedding day (she was 17 & he 19). Notice my grandfather is wearing edelweiss on his lapel. Edelweiss  is a rugged flower that grows in the Alps. There is a legend that says if a man truly loved a woman he would scale the mountain to pick an edelweiss for her. It represents daring, courage & noble purity (and in a few places I read it also symbolizes love & dedication). 

Steyr, Austria
To read more about Steyr click here.
Photo Credit

Photo Credit

That was a lot harder to type out unedited then I thought it would be ;-).

I love remembering this conversation with my grandmother and am prompted, if the opportunity should present itself, to ask her more. Sadly, this story's happy ending didn't remain happy forever. My grandfather, while a wonderful sweet man, grew up in a rough backwoods (for lack of a better term) family and my grandmother was the only daughter of well off Catholic parents. It was rough going for them. My grandmother spoke little english and most of my grandfather's family were unkind to her (my grandfather had two brothers and three sisters). After a few years (less than 5) fairly shortly after my dad was born (he has one older sister) my grandparents were divorced. I cannot imagine the pain of divorce, especially back in a day when it was so taboo. My grandmother didn't really know anyone outside my grandfather's family, but would not return home because her children were here. Some years later (I am not sure how many but I don't think it was several) my grandmother married my grandfather's younger brother, who had always been kind to her and they had two daughters together. My grandfather also remarried my grandma Grace and the two of them raised my dad and aunt Linda. My dad did have some contact with his mother, my grandpa got full custody, I assume because it was after the war and my grandmother, to the layman, appeared German. Healing did come in the family eventually, I remember my grandmother and Uncle Bernard coming here to visit us when I was younger. My dad has a wonderful relationship with his mom and I am so happy to have had the chance to know her as an adult. She is a wonderful person, my grandfather was too and I believe they carried (carry, my grandmother is still with us) love in their hearts for one another always. Sometimes fairy tale like stories don't have fairy tale endings.

Heartbreak

Last Friday, my heart was broken. What started as a normal morning was quickly marred by the terrible news that someone had walked into an elementary school and shot up children and teachers. Children. Cold blooded murder is terrible enough but it is something beyond comprehension when it's children. I spent that day and the next (and the next...) weeping off and on, praying in earnest for those who lost their loved ones, for the young lives never to be lived out, for the heroic teachers who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the children in their care, even for a young man so lost he committed the unthinkable. Even as I write this I weep. What tragedy, what indefinable loss, I simply cannot imagine nor will I pretend I can understand.

And then, it started. Post after post, article after article, news reel after news reel. The media, the politicians, all kinds of activists, religious leaders, down to the "common man". People spouting their opinions, offering their "why" theories, pushing their agendas...gun control, mental health, wrath of God, hatred of God, I've heard so many, many different takes (and I've been trying to stay away from it!). The "blame game" started, blame God, blame guns, blame parents, blame mental health workers, etc...People attacking each other in comments, over poems, over articles, over the second amendment, and my heart ached even more.

I wonder if we will ever see how easily we perpetuate conflict, how readily we do it, how eagerly we do it? I wonder what it would be like, if for a time, we simply grieved for those lives lost so needlessly, so tragically. I wonder if we could just set aside our personal opinions and agenda for a period to mourn with the broken hearted. Is it too much to ask to share a little love with one another, even if we disagree? Especially after an event that should open our eyes to what blessings we share. What if we didn't pick apart every second of what happened in some obsessive need to know the details? What if we simply remembered the heroic deeds of those teachers, that principle, and honored them. What if we simply remembered those tiny faces? What if we remember to cherish our own loved ones because we never really know how long we have them, or they us? What if we pray, fervent heartfelt, soul aching prayers for those families, that community, this nation? What if we don't offer explanation for the unexplainable? Or need to know every detail of that young man's life, as if it is all of our business, to "understand" why? Truly, would it matter? Is there anything we could learn that would lessen the horror of what happened? Is there any information we could glean that would make sense of it?

These are merely some of my thoughts on it all. There have been many. I do not claim not to have done some of the things I mention above myself, at least in my own mind or conversations with friends and family. I am human, and I understand our nature. I know these kinds of tragedies cause us to think, to reflect, to problem solve. I believe they should do all of those things, I just feel that maybe, for a time we, as a nation could simply make a choice to honor those victims by laying aside all our junk and weep, wail and mourn. If action must be taken in some form or another to help prevent such a thing from happening again, then let us take it, but not right now. Let's not add to grief by plastering "what if's" or "we should have" or even spouting bad theology (I do not believe this was God's punishment to our country! I won't do what I've talked about by going on but I have to make it clear, there is a lot of false preaching going on right now).

Let us be heartbroken, let us grieve, let us remember to be thankful for what we have. To live in the moment. To love. To cherish. I, for one, will do my best to do just that. And I will take the broken pieces of my heart to the One who binds up the brokenhearted.

The Thankful Tree

HOORAY! Blogger doesn't dislike me anymore! I've had lots of things I have wanted to share but for whatever reason blogger wasn't letting me upload anything. Anyhoo...

This year I was actually on the ball and we made a thankful tree to keep track of things we were thankful for during the month of November. I found some dead branches outside, put them in a mason jar, wrapped a short battery operated set of white twinkle lights (and then wrapped the jar in ribbon to attempt to "hide" the battery pack, we will be doing something a little different next year!), then cut small circles with hole punches in them to hang on the tree with the things we (ok the boys pretty much) were thankful for. It was a fun activity and I loved hearing my boys come up with their "thankfuls" as they called them. The first few days I had to restrain Isaiah & Joshua from filling the tree at once, which made my heart happy. Toward the end of the month they were less enthusiastic and came up with some funny stuff to be thankful for. Bet you can't guess which ones came at the end of the month ;-).  At any rate, in no order, here they are...

• Papa (my dad)
• Snow 
• Daddy
• Earth
• Lego Star Wars (I was not clear if this was the Wii game or the actual legos haha)
• Play set (this summer my husband built them a wonderful play set for the back yard)
• Shop (they love to go out there with their dad and do...well whatever little boys do with a shop full of stuff)
• Zion (cousin)
• Cereal 
• World
• Food & water 
• Mommy
• God
• Legos
• Kayla (cousin)
• Abby (cousin)
• Candy
• Jesus 
• Isaiah (Joshua added this one)
• House
• Papa John (David's dad)
• iPad
• Snow (we got about 6 inches today!!)
• Kenzie (cousin)
• Games
• My boys (I added one or two)
• Coffee (two haha)
• Dogs
• My friends
• Gma Becky (David's mom)
• Thanksgiving
• Power (as in electricity, not super powers;-)
• Taylor (cousin)
• Family (this was my husband's contribution, I love him)
• TV
• David (ok maybe I did three:)
• Joshua (Isaiah's thankful)
• Grapes
• Granny (my mom)

Looking over the list I am certain we managed to lose some before I could post this (stupid blogger!). My kids like to mess with it and I know I've found "thankfuls" in random places, Isaiah even mentioned as I was sitting to write this he found one in his library bag the other day. Ah well. I tell you what I'm thankful for, two cute little boys with joyful, grateful, tender little hearts :).