Let me start this post by saying that although this is about my journey to fitness, the "better me" I am referring to is not the "thinner me". I know people who are dubbed "heavier" by todays standards that are perfectly happy, content and comfortable in their own skin, on the flip side I know "thin" people who aren't happy with their bodies . Many people struggle with their body image; want to make changes to it, see themselves for less then what they truly are. I was that way, but even before I had "packed on the pounds" so to speak. Self esteem was something I didn't know I struggled with when I was younger, I never really cared what people thought of me and thought this meant that I didn't struggle with what I thought of myself. Call it "wisdom of the elderly" but I recognize now that I was constantly selling myself short, underestimating my capabilities in about a million ways. So for me, this journey I have been on (for nearly a decade now) has led to challenges both physically & mentally that have changed many things about be, inside and out. It's the inside changes that have been the most important, and this is what I mean by a "better me".
Where to begin...I guess I will talk briefly (you doubt me I know:) about being a teenager. I was never heavy in high school but never athletic either. I didn't necessarily have a bad body image but I was constantly aware of the fact that although I was only 5'5", I was not a "small" person. My grandma is Austrian and I inherited her broad shoulders, big hands, big feet & wider hips, in short I am "big boned" as people like to joke. This made me self conscious on some levels and I definitely aware of what I was eating, but it didn't really become an issue for me until a little later in life.
Fast forward a few years, I was newly married and started taking birth control. Let me stop here, I know some of you love bc, have been on it for years with no problems, I am not one of those people. No one warned me (until later) that bc can effect your body's processing of sugar, making you crave it or that in can trigger your body to store fat (or make you a bit crazy but that's another story). I went into my stint on birth control unaware and gained 30 lbs in 3 months for my ignorance. When the alarm bells went off I tried to lose it, but it wasn't coming off no matter what I did. Eventually I got of it but something changed in my relationship with food during that time, it became unhealthy. I started mentally planning dinner while eating breakfast, eating more junk food and not caring that my plate was as full as my husband's (even though he is 6'3"). Something changed in my view of myself too, I felt like a total looser, "how could I let this happen?" was an almost daily question. I had tried for years to avoid this kind of relationship with myself and food, I have a lot of family who have struggled with weight, I've seen it's destructive power. Now here I was, chubby, sluggish, totally loathing myself and my new found friends; Ms. Overeater, Ms. Guilty, Ms. Moody Eater & Ms. Lazy.
Fast forward again, because many years went by while I struggled with this issue. I had moments where I would loose 20 pounds, feeling pretty good, only to slowly gain it all back and more. I dabbled in exercise, but only for the purpose of shedding pounds, it was simply a means to an end. At 25 I became pregnant with my first born, already almost 40 pounds overweight being pregnant was just an excuse to send Ms. Guilty on her way for a time, after all I couldn't feel guilty about eating for my baby....right? When Isaiah was an infant I played again at loosing weight, even managed to shed a few pounds but it was short lived. It wasn't until he neared a year that I realized something had to change. Isaiah was already an extremely high energy child, my husband too has endless energy, I suddenly saw a life on the sidelines if I didn't do something. How would I ever keep up enough to be involved if I didn't make changes? I didn't want to watch my kid's lives pass by, being more of an observer than a participant. That realization came and something in my head just clicked into place. For me it was "loose weight or miss out", period.
I joined weight watchers and over the course of several months shed 45+ pounds, reaching my thinnest weight in years (just in time for my high school reunion:). Still, although my relationship with food had improved (improved not perfected), I still had not made exercise a part of my routine. My weight loss was strictly fat loss, not to be undermined, but I still did not have the kind of energy I had hoped for. I couldn't get the idea out of my head that exercise was solely for weight loss purposes and since I had managed to loose the weight without it there was no reason to implement a routine now. Before I had a chance to recognize this error in judgment I became pregnant with my second son. I'd like to tell you that I had learned my lesson after my first pregnancy, but remember I said improved not perfected. I did not gain as much weight with Joshua as I had with Isaiah but I certainly went above my "do not gain more than ** pounds" mark. When he was born, I was thinner than I had been after Isaiah, but still 35 pounds above my "goalweight". So I started over, joined weight watchers again, lost about 20 pounds over time, again without exercise.
Sometime around Christmas of Josh's first year I had this wild thought, I really wanted to complete a 1/2 marathon before turning 30 in September. I am not even sure what put this thought in my head, like I said I was never really athletic in high school (or anytime), but I started thinking I wanted to be that girl. So I started training, when I started it was a struggle to finish one mile in 12 mins, a struggle. I persevered, kept going, got up to being able to do 6 miles in 72 mins (not fast for most but amazing for me:). Summer came and I faltered a bit, it was often gorgeous and being outside as much as possible trumped the treadmill. I know this sounds kinda funny, why not run outside, but most of my husband's time was spent at work or building on our house and the last thing I wanted to do when he wasn't busy was leave him to go run. Time passed and suddenly it was late June and I realized the only 1/2 marathon left before I turned 30 was five weeks away- FIVE! I told my cousin about my plans to go ahead and attempt it, she decided to join me (I am so thankful she did). So we trained as much as we could, I had lost some fitness in my summer laziness and I think the most either of us had run before the day of the race was five miles. We did it though, we finished, jogging (slowly but
still jogging) the entire way. When I came around that corner to the finish line, I was full of emotion, nearly burst into tears, I had done it! I had finished something I never thought I was capable of doing, ever and something changed inside me that day. I learned that no one could tell me what I was and wasn't capable of, except myself and she has to listen to me anyway :). I learned that I was capable of much more than I had ever thought possible. of pushing the limits of my mind and body. This realization gave me more than a new drive to exercise, it gave me confidence in all areas of my life, made me understand that had often sold myself short. I was capable of keeping my feet moving for 13 miles, certainly I could do even more!
In the months since the 1/2 marathon I have had many revelations in my "battle of the bulge", which I think is much more a battle of the heart and mind. I realized that of all my old "friends", guilt had done the most damage. I believe guilt is the number one enemy of people trying to loose weight. If we do "fall off the wagon" we are so consumed by guilt that we just go ahead and eat more food. I suspect that thin people already know that one cookie (or even 2- gasp!) is not going to break the bank, they don't spend the next hours or days doing battle with themselves over it. I learned that I use food as a companion to turn to when I am emotional, stressed, tired, happy...well you get the picture. I have also realized that exercise is really the bigger key to my success. Not simply because it burns calories, but it gives me a confidence I have never known before. When I am pushing myself on the treadmill, bike or in the pool I am breaking down barriers previously set for myself (by myself). I can tell you, that surpassing your own expectations for yourself is the greatest feeling.
Today I have a healthier view of food, I do not think of lunch right after breakfast and I can control myself when given a plate of my favorite cookies. I am not perfect, it will be a long continuous battle to undo some long held habits and mindsets. I am not finished in my weight loss journey either, I have a good 10 pounds to loose before I hit my goal. I am confident that I will get there eventually, it may take time, I haven't been at my goal weight in many many years but I now know it is possible. Anything is possible for me, sometimes it may not be comfortable- many things that are worth it aren't at times, but it is possible. As I said, when I started exercise I could barely finish one- the other day I completed 8 on my treadmill, no mile being slower than 10m 40s- what a difference from a year ago! Next on the agenda, physically, is a sprint triathlon in May. I have no intentions of winning, I am not swift by any means, but to complete it will be a thrill. Sometimes I cannot believe I am going to do it, other days I think "bring it on!". In the end it's been a long road and I am happy with this new me, she has confidence, determination, drive and best of all faith in herself.
Here is something I wrote back in December that also speaks to a lot of the same issues I mention here. It was written at the beginning of my revelations about my food issues. I tried to incorporate it above but this blog took it's own course so I decided to attach it below.
"My favorite quote, seen on a poster in a gym once, for the fitness journey is this "The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep running!!". I have no idea who said it, the poster didn't say but I think of it ALL the time when I have set-backs or struggles. The truth is I have been on this journey for over three years, sure I had a baby in there but I still had to control (or at least attempt to) my eating then too. I have had so many ups & downs but I just keep trying to get back on course and slowly, so slowly it seems, I am getting there.
The hardest part is really the transformation of my mind/heart. I believe the "battle of the bulge" is really a battle of the mind/heart, not the mouth/stomach. It has taken me a long time to recognize why it is I overeat certain things, slack off, feel guilty, inadequate, incapable, undeserving and the million other emotions behind my weight. Slowly, as I tackle each one- each reason, emotion, mental roadblock, I am finding I am gaining ground on myself and this battle. If I can replace the negative emotions with positive ones (I am deserving, I am capable, etc..), I eliminate an excuse I make when I want to eat a pile of cookies. It is, in my imagination, like learning to walk/talk again, it takes baby steps...
One thing I am certain of is that guilt is the number one enemy of a person trying to loose weight. We have one cookie/cake/bowl of ice cream and the guilt surrounding that choice makes us feel so awful we often turn to another cookie, another bowl...or maybe cut out the middle man & go for the tub. I suspect (though I cannot be certain because I haven't ever really been that person) that thin people know that one cookie/cake/bowl isn't going to make or break them. I suspect they are already in on the *secret* that what we eat does not define who we are. It is not a part of their identities and this (not because they are genetically superior to us) is the real reason they are thin. This is another fact I have to tell myself, that I am not somehow flawed, predestined to be overweight/unhealthy. That God just tossed the dice, some people He made fat, some skinny. His word says that we are fearfully & wonderfully made, we are not mistakes!!! He did not intend for us to feel as if we are, to feel worthless, constantly racked with guilt over our decisions! He created us to be living, healthy, thriving vessels of His glory!! So as this week comes & goes, remind yourself that even if today you stand still in your journey towards a healthier you- take a moment to say a prayer, ask God to show you something in your heart that stands in your way. Some trigger that makes you feel guilty, inadequate, incapable and causes you to turn to food...then ask Him to help you remove it, to learn to turn to Him."
Today as I pulled out a tote of Isaiah's old clothes for Joshua to wear I got a little sad (& not just because the clothes I put into the tote clean now had a smell to them meaning more laundry:). I cannot believe that Josh will be two next month and is about to start wearing 3T clothes. I pulled each item out one at a time, sad that Josh could fit them and smiling as I remembered Isaiah in them not so long ago. Where does the time go so quickly? It seems like only yesterday we were trying to keep a toddling Isaiah from squishing his infant brother, now we are always trying to keep them from squishing each other. Watching your children grow is so bittersweet, on one hand you are excited to watch them learn new things, discover the world, on the other you cannot believe how incredibly lightening fast it happens. 
