Things moms do...& never tell you about

Being a mom is not glamorous. I am not sure why early TV producers decided to give us Joan Cleaver, Ma Brady & the like, but they certainly gave us a false picture of motherhood. Today we have Hollywood moms gushing about how much the adore their newborn baby, how they don't mind the nights spent up late, how quickly the weight came off and their children always look ready for a photo shoot. Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing on Hollywood moms, I just think they do nothing to help the rest of us get a grasp on the job. Sometimes I think they even make us feel guilty, like we are doing something wrong in our sweatpants, ponytails, with baggy eyes, spit up stains and an extra ten pounds. I suspect, they go through all the same things we "regular" moms go through, they just have a posse of people to help them clean up the aftermath. Either way, I decided to make a list of things I suspect most mom's do, but just don't broadcast to the rest of the world. If I am wrong, well then I guess I'm the only one :).

1.) Pull out the back of a diaper to check if it's poopy, accidentally putting your hand too far down

2.) Wiped a snotty nose with your hand, then wiped it on your pants (coat, whatever) because you have nothing else to use.

3.) Picked your kids nose, come on, you know you've done it.

4.) Cried hysterically in the middle of the night, trying to "reason" with your infant and explain to them that "mommy really needs to sleep"

5.) In your sleep deprived frustration considering dropping your baby off with a friend (or at a convent) with a note asking them to take care of him/her for you

6.) Bribed your kid with candy or some other treat, trying to finish your task that has taken too long and is almost complete but your kids are near nuclear (or just bribed them in general, I know you aren't supposed to but come one, once in awhile you just do)

7.) Threatened to remove a limb (or vocal chord) if your child didn't stop doing whatever it is they were doing with said limb

8.) Fed them cereal for dinner because you were tired

9.) Asked them some ridiculous rhetorical question like "Are you trying to drive me crazy?" or "Do you want me to spank you?"

10.) Totally toned out the sound of your children's voices so that they have to yell in your ear to regain your attention

11.) Made your child wait for something to teach them patience, when really you just want to finish the last chapter of your book (or, in my case recently a row of knitting).

I would like to say that while I have done some of these things that are totally against all the "parenting rules" it doesn't mean I wouldn't move heaven and earth for my kids. It doesn't mean that I don't have their very best interests at heart. Picking their noses, or getting poop on my finger (insert "ewwwww"), doesn't make me less of a woman. Staying in my comfortable clothes all day, with my hair in a ponytail because I am a bit tired, doesn't make me a bad wife (you know what I mean, not getting all ravishing before the hubster comes home). Really all of these things do the opposite, in my opinion. They prove I am real (not that any of you who managed not to do any of these things aren't), that my kids are more important than anything else and I am not going to feel guilty about that.

(That being said, I do think it's important to take care of yourself as a mom; have a hobby, go out without the kids, buy some stuff you feel cute in, believe me it's important but that's another blog all together:).

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate...

Somedays I am just not a fan of the information age. It seems like, with the internet, it's pretty doggone easy to find information to support your opinion on something regardless of what it is. It is also usually pretty easy to find something to oppose your opinion. Media really seems to lack the ability to be objective anymore, leaving us to wade through mass amounts of information trying to determine what the truth is. Don't get me wrong, I am a big supporter of being informed, I have suffered the consequences failing to educate yourself can bring, it just seems like it is becoming increasingly difficult to be truly informed.

A big looming issues for parents these days is vaccinations. The opinions on both sides vary so widely (& so passionately) and there seems to be (seems being the operative word) to be information out there that supports both sides. Autism, of course, being the big question mark. Do vaccinations cause Autism in some children? Is it worth the risk to vaccinate? What are the risks involved with not vaccinating? What about putting my kids in public school? The questions are dizzying! The hardest part is that you cannot seem to get a straight answer from anyone!

Here are the conclusions I have reached, this is purely my personal opinion based on some research, some soul searching & some conversations with my ND (& chiropractor but we'll discuss that one later).

1.) Whether or not you should vaccinate is a personal choice. That's a tough call if your kids are in the public school system because they could (if not vaccinated) contract something that is contagious, although in theory if all the other kids are vaccinated you would only be putting other kids at risk that aren't (& those parents should have weighed those odds before their decision). Some kids spend a lot of time in daycare, making them higher risk for catching things, others spend most of their time at home limiting exposure, etc. There should be no judgement involved (emphasis on no judgement), a parent's choice to vaccinate or not should be left to the parent, hopefully that parent has carefully thought out their choice but even if they haven't, it is still their decision. Unfortunately the no judgement part seldom happens but that's another blog entirely. I experienced this when I mentioned to my chiropractor my children were getting shots later that day, it triggered a tirade of questions and insinuations that I was terribly mistaken in vaccinating my kids. He even used the phrase "playing russian roulette with their lives". I walked out of there terrified I had made the wrong choice and feeling horribly judged. Ultimately I went with my original decision and felt peace about it, still it was no fun.

2.) I honestly am not certain how I feel about vaccinations causing autism or any other disease BUT there does seem to possibly be a link...maybe? Here's what I think (again totally my opinion, based on what education I have & research I've done), vaccinations alone are not the culprit. I think there has to be some kind of genetic predisposition which is later aggravated by the vaccinations. Would the autism (or other issue) develop had the child not had the vaccination(s) is impossible to say, once the vaccine has been administered but it seems like there has to be an extra component to the equation. Why you ask? Because if it was simply that A (vaccinations) + B (your standard child immune system) = C (autism or some other disorder) then a lot more kids would be affected. Again, it comes down to personal choice, the pros & cons for each family could be different.

3.) I do not see the harm in spreading out vaccinations one bit. My oldest, in my pre-read up for yourself days, was vaccinated on time, every time until he was a year old. After a year, we had some ear infection issues, delaying vaccinations for some time. By the time my second came along I had decided to wait at least a year before starting vaccinations because there are some they don't give after a year because they are no longer necessary. Again, personal choice, I got to stay home with my kids so they weren't exposed to a lot of other children. Had they been in daycare I may (or may not) have done differently. As it turned out, because life moves so fast, Josh did not receive any vaccinations until he was 2 and Isaiah didn't receive any more (then the first series up to a year) until he was four. I didn't want him to have to have them all crammed in at once so we have slowly been doing them, spreading them out and trying not to get too many at once (you know those shots that come 4 serums to a needle). It just seems logical to me that the less bombarding I do to their immune systems the better, I can spread them out, so I do.

4.) There are some vaccinations that just seem totally unnecessary and the mass producing of new vaccines seems dangerous to me. I do not really care for flu vaccines, Gardasil or the chicken pox vaccine. My personal experience with the flu vaccine left me loathing the thought of ever having another one, I ended up sick with everything under the sun (including the flu) BOTH times I got the shot. I know this is not how everyone reacts but to be honest I am not sure (except for the elderly) why it is necessary in the first place. I know there were influenza epidemics back in the days but most people died of complications of the flu (pneumonia, dehydration, etc..) mostly related to the times they lived in. As for the chicken pox vaccine, again I don't see the need. I know it can sometime be dangerous, usually if contracted later in life (just about any illness can cause dangerous complications given the right circumstances) but does vaccinating totally eliminate that possibility? As for Gardasil, I imagine this is a terribly raw topic for many people and I am not trying to spurn a debate but my opinion is this, there are other ways of preventing the contraction of HPV. It is a sexually transmitted disease and thus standard methods of protection should prevent it. My concern is that vaccinating your children against it may give them the false sense of security and they may fail to protect themselves all together. The vaccine only guards against one kind of STD, it does nothing to protect against the other kinds. Any of you who know me know my stance on abstinence being the best (& only sure way) to protect oneself and I think all children should be taught such (yes I know kids may do it anyway, but that holds true for failing to protect themselves). For those who do not share my opinion, doesn't it seem wiser to teach your kids to be safe, rather than inoculating them? I just don't understand the point of putting something into your body that isn't necessary (not to mention some of the scary stuff that has come out about the vaccine, but again media information is so hard to decipher anymore). I am not, in anyway, trying to minimize the deaths that have occurred from the flu, chicken pox or cervical cancer caused by HPV, every death is tragic.

5.) There are some diseases I really don't want to see making a comeback. While some things we vaccinate against, like measles are not much more life threatening then chicken pox, others are pretty devastating. I cannot imagine watching my child go through something crippling like polio, knowing I could have prevented it. This is where, maybe choosing which vaccinations you want your child to receive and which you don't may come into play.

So there it is, my two cents on vaccinating. I know it is a tough decision every parent has to make. For my part, I have decided to vaccinate, on a much slower schedule. My kids will likely be in public schools, hopefully travel the world someday and it is the decision I am comfortable with. If I can prevent some vaccines, like chicken pox (anyone know someone with it?) or the flu shot, I will. It's an emotional decision to be sure, it certainly didn't help me to be accosted by my chiropractor. It was made worse when Joshua's thigh swelled up after his vaccination later that day. In the end I really just have to trust the Lord with my kids anyway, they are truly His, given to me for a time. I will do all I can to protect them, seeking His wisdom in my decisions. Maybe someday clear concise information will come out, one way or the other. In the meantime I wish you good luck in your own research and peace with your decision.

***Here are a list of articles or websites you may (or may not) find informative, like I said information age= AHHHH!!

1) Time- How Safe are Vaccines?

2.) National Vaccine Information Center

3.) CDC- vaccine information

4.) ABC news- Should Parents Worry about Vaccinating their Children?

5.) Parents Place- this is pretty hardcore anti-vaccine but they have several article links and it's good to read BOTH sides of an argument.

If you have more articles you find informative, please feel free to share, along with your thoughts & opinions. My only request (& I am sure it is unnecessary) is that you be respectful of one another. I know it's a topic with deep emotion involved for many people. Just know that if you have your kids best interests at heart, the other likely does too :)

The Leprosy Class...

Nursery has always been a tough one for my boys, not until the age of two would they go without a hysterical fit preceding walking in the door. Since reaching that pivotal age, it's mostly a breeze, not always, but they are usually excited to go and play while mom & dad are in their "grown-up" class. Imagine my surprise when a month ago Isaiah threw a hysterical, "please mommy don't leave me", clinging to me fit when it was time to take him to class. I tried, my sister tried, neither of us could stop the tears and eventually I brought him into my "class" to sit quietly until church was over. Thinking it was a fluke, the next week I took his little hand and led him out to line up with the rest of the kids. We didn't make it out of the sanctuary before the clinging hysteria ensued and again he sat with me during church. The next week he became upset as soon as we entered the building, begging to stay with me. The next...the parking lot. You see where I am going...

Honestly I was a little worried about this new "sunday school phobia" of his. What I thought was a result of his dad not having been there, was obviously not the case, as David was attended church with us the last time. I started playing scenarios in my head, "did he get hit in class?", "are the kids mean to him?", "did he misbehave and get in trouble?". Over and over I tried to imagine what could possibly have turned my guy against sunday school?!? The last Sunday I tried to talk to him about why he didn't want to go, "It's important for you to go to your class, they teach you about Jesus" I said. Without looking at me he says "yes but they teach you about bald men too". Imagine a car racing around a track at top speed, that's about as fast as my brain said "bald men? what bald men? were there bald men in the bible? I can't remember a story where they specifically mention a man being bald. I mean I think Job lost his hair but it doesn't say 'and then Job was bald".... Finally, with all the theatrics of a light bulb going off in a silly cartoon (at least in my brain it went that way), I knew exactly what he was talking about...

The last Sunday he actually attended class I went to pick him up and, as usual, the teachers gave me whatever picture they had colored for their lesson that day. This Sunday as I looked down I (yes, actually) thought "Ew, what? What did they learn about today?". What was the picture you ask? It was of an ugly bald man, with sores on his face and a crooked smile, who honestly reminded me of an ogre. What was the lesson? The ten lepers, Jesus heals and only one returns to thank him, really it's a good story, but the picture seems to have left it's mark. Isaiah does not to want to return to what he now calls his "leprosy class". I have told him that they teach about plenty of other things in sunday school, "remember the story of Jesus walking on water?". Doesn't seem to matter, that picture was that freaky to him. He does tell me "in five weeks I'll go back to my leprosy class mommy", but I am skeptical and not really sure what I am going to do. I guess we will see and hopefully it won't be a class about the demon possessed pigs running off a cliff...

Sick kids, slow day

Has anyone else noticed that time moves slowly when your kids are sick? Not only do you inevitably slow down because you have a little one needing your attention frequently, but time itself seems to slow down. Perhaps it's due to the long hours spent just snuggling your kid, at least I spend a lot of time sitting with them, I am sure I am not alone in that. Maybe it's because you feel so "unproductive"; no "to-do" list is going to get shortened, laundry will sit unfolded in the hamper (ok, I confess, that happens even when my kids aren't sick), dinner will likely be something quick and easy, often pjs are the attire for the day. The nights are often where the hours stretch the longest, sick kids aren't really great for a mom's "beauty sleep". Last night I was up 4 times in the 8 hours I had given myself for sleep, my kids weren't necessarily up that many times but the hacking sound coming from the other room was enough to rouse me from my bed to check on my sweet monkeys. If not for the brief visit with my cousin/friend, today would have felt like 2, running together.

Here's the deal though, I don't really mind days like today. It's hard to have a sick kid at home, but sometimes it's just what I need to slow down and pay attention to what is going on around me. Even as a stay-at-home mom it's easy to get busy with your "to-do" list, making sure you get your kids out for play dates, or get yourself to "mommy dates", and forget the most important portion of my job description- nurturer. I am ashamed to admit that I don't always sit and spend quality time with my kids, a day can pass so quickly I don't realize most of it has gone by with only (what I refer to as) "subsistence interaction" between my boys and me. What I mean is, a day can pass with most of my conversations with my kids consisting of what they want to eat, breaking up fights, making sure they are clean/clothed/fed, basically. I am sure that I am not alone in this either, it's easy for anyone to get busy with life. So I guess what I am saying is, although it's hard and I pray for quick recovery (for their sake more than anything, no one likes feeling crummy), I am thankful for the chance to slow down and spend some good snuggle time with my kids. I am thankful to be reminded that above all else, the most important thing I am doing with my life is raising them. It doesn't matter if my house gets a bit grubby, or my kids have cereal for dinner, or the laundry gets wrinkled from hours of being mashed together in a hamper, what matters is that my little guys know every second of every day that I love them, value them and that they are the best part of my day. There is not a thing unproductive about that :)

Super Mom- the mom, the myth, the legend...the farce

Super mom- we all think we know one. I'm sure when I say that phrase you immediately picture her in your mind. She's the one who always seems to have it together. Her kids are always perfectly dressed, they always behave, she always looks great, her house is spotless, her meals are always home cooked, etc... She may be a working mom, or a stay at homer, whichever it is, she always seems to be on her "A" game, always. We look at her and feel guilty about our own lumpy ponytails, the holes in our kid's jeans, the pizza we just popped in the oven. This guilt we feel in her presence is not her fault, it is a result of that word we all struggle with- comparison. We see what she does and think, "there is no way I could do all that, I just couldn't. She's amazing, I'm so drab".... You all have been there I am sure, at some point.

Well, let me do a little myth busting for you. Super mom? She doesn't exist, period. I bet if you asked the "Super mom" in your life how she gets it all done in a day she would breathlessly assure you that she doesn't. The truth is, no one can do it all, something's gotta give. If you are an incredible cook, likely your house does not always look like the cover of a magazine. If you are a great housekeeper, your kids probably eat boxed food a bit more often. If you are a helpful mom, always involved with homework, volunteering, playing games, practicing sports with your kid; chances are maybe both your house and your dinner table suffer a little. As mom's we delude ourselves into thinking that we have to be able to be able to do it all, ALL the time, and look good doing it. I am here to tell you it is simply not possible. I don't know where the idea of super mom first originated (June Cleaver, Mrs. Cosby, at least Mrs. Brady had Alice:) but the idea of her is so ingrained in many mom's heads that we set the bar so high we can only fail. Even if, by some chance, you are able to keep your house spotless, your dinner always fresh/healthy, your kids clean and always in line, your husband happy, all of this while looking like Brooke Shields, something will break. That break will be you, because if you can manage to do all of that all the time- YOU will suffer. It is important to take some time for yourself, daily if you can manage it, and there simply aren't enough hours in the day. Even Wonder Woman, who had actual super powers, had to have an "alternate identity" to escape.

So today, I am kicking super mom to the curb. She can take a hike, I am tired of her being in my head making me feel guilty about what I don't get done in a day, rather than focusing on what I do do (teehee, just for you Paige:). Those of you who try to live up to the expectations in your head, at least the ones that are unrealistic, give them up. I am 100% certain that you are an awesome mom, wife, woman, don't set yourself up for failure by striving for the impossible. Take each day in stride, do what you can but always take the time to love on your kids, snuggle your hubby, read your book; even if that means dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper. These are the things that make our lives special, the things that matter. The measure of our lives will not be tallied in wash loads and home cooked meals, I assure you. For any of you who may be a self proclaimed (even if it's in your own head:) "Super mom"- give yourself a break, take a minute to breathe, it's ok to do it. All of us have our areas of strength, our areas of weakness, every woman is different. Lets put that "C" word away, embrace ourselves and each other for who we are, not who we think we should be. Ultimately, I think we will find a little bit of super mom in all of us.

A letter to my boys...

Tonight I cannot fall asleep. For as long as I can remember I have had moments like this, moments where my mind is so full of thoughts & emotions sleep refuses to come. I wish I had written those thoughts down more during past moments like this for now I know that many of them were worth recording somewhere. I am no novelist, poet or songwriter, but I love to relay the things that wander in my mind from time to time and this blog is where I have chosen to do it....

This has been a rough week for me, a rough couple of weeks actually. Stress is taking it's toll on my family, illness struck again and I have found myself on a roller coaster of emotion. My kids have been pushing every button imaginable, it feels like we have been in a battle of some kind of late. Isaiah especially has been difficult to deal with at times and I realize tonight that I have not taken the time I should have to simply love on them. The truth is, my time for snuggles, kisses & hugs is limited, not that they will not always love me but the method of displaying it will change. The realization of how quickly they are growing has struck me hard lately. Isaiah's life long need to find comfort in my hair (he loves to run it through his fingers) is fading, his need to snuggle me at bedtime too. Joshua has grown and changed so much it is incredible to think that less than a year ago he was not even walking. So tonight as I climbed out of my bed wrestling with my thoughts, I went and kissed my sons, thinking of the words I would say to them right now, if only they were awake...and could really understand all of what I was saying :). Here it is...

My dear sweet wonderful boys,

There is a song your Grandma and Great Aunties used to sing when I was young, I don't remember the name. It was a song sung by a mother whose children were grown. She sings about how their voices once filled her home, how they needed her to tie their shoes but now they were all grown up. The chorus went something like this "We must love them while we can, we must love them while we can. Time just seems to hurry by and the days slip into years, and the moments that we had just disappear". I remember that the song always made me feel sad for Grandma & Grandpa, wish that I would never grow up and leave. Of course, life does not work that way, children grow up, they move away, it all happens much faster then you can imagine being so little. I don't know that I agree with the song about the moments disappearing, everything about you is etched on my heart, but I do know that memories can fade.

The thing I want to remember is to always live so that you know how much I love you. I don't know that it is possible for me too, because I love you so much, you might get tired of mommy hugging you :). I want you to know that I longed for you both, even when mommy was young, long before I met daddy, I wanted two little boys. I prayed for you before you were even conceived, while you grew in my tummy, and everyday of your lives I will continue to pray for you. You are the very best thing that I have ever done and many days I cannot imagine what I did to deserve you both.

I want you to know that mommy & daddy are always doing what we think is best for you. Sometimes we may not do it the right way, we make mistakes, but our hearts are to give you everything you could ever need in this life. Even more we want to teach you about the One who loves you even more than we ever could. You have a purpose and a destiny in Christ, He has ordained a place in this world just for you. As much as mommy would love to keep you little and in her arms forever, it excites me to think of the lives you will lead when you move from home. The places you will go, the people you will meet, the things you will do by the power of the Almighty! I have said before that I don't always feel like anything more than mediocre, but the truth is, you both are my extraordinary!

This past month has been stressful on all of us. I know that you have both felt the strain of mommy & daddy's decision to build a home for you. It has been hard, daddy has sacrificed time away from you to give you something you can grow up in, always. We both wanted for you to have a place to roam, to do all the things that little boys do. We wanted for you to have a place of security in a world that seems to be a more dangerous place then the one we grew up in. We wanted you to have a place where you could have your friends over, a place you could "just chill" or whatever you will call it when you are older :). These are the reasons for our decision, I know it has been rough but know we did it because we love you & we are almost there!

I am so sorry for my lack of patience with you, I promise to do better. I love you both so very very much, I always will.

Love, Your Mommy

Sorry for the ramble, although I did warn you with the title of my blog :). Even letter to my kids seem to meander a bit. I am learning to accept this little quirk of mine, my rambling ways. I have let myself get embarrassed by it many times, but tonight I will embrace it. God does not make mistakes :) With that, I say goodnight. My mind is purged and now I am sleepy, sweet dreams...

Time jogs on...

Today as I pulled out a tote of Isaiah's old clothes for Joshua to wear I got a little sad (& not just because the clothes I put into the tote clean now had a smell to them meaning more laundry:). I cannot believe that Josh will be two next month and is about to start wearing 3T clothes. I pulled each item out one at a time, sad that Josh could fit them and smiling as I remembered Isaiah in them not so long ago. Where does the time go so quickly? It seems like only yesterday we were trying to keep a toddling Isaiah from squishing his infant brother, now we are always trying to keep them from squishing each other. Watching your children grow is so bittersweet, on one hand you are excited to watch them learn new things, discover the world, on the other you cannot believe how incredibly lightening fast it happens.

I wish that I could go back and have a conversation with my young self about how fast life would pass by. I remember hearing "before you know it, high school will be over" or "enjoy your childhood, don't be in such a hurry to grow up, tomorrow will be here in a jiffy", but I don't think I really paid attention. When you are young time seems to stretch out before you as an endless entity, full of opportunities and experiences. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that my life is over in any fashion, time still has plenty left in store for me. I just wish I would have appreciated it more in the early days, wrote things down more, took more pictures. My

memory turned out to be not so great (an old high school friend & I laugh because she's the same way & we sometimes can't remember things we did together) and all of those things would help keep the memories fresh. I am grateful for the things I do have, the pictures, old papers, a few short-lived journals and enjoy looking over them from time to time.

My hope now is to do a better job keeping track. I have scrapbooks for each of my boys' first year, I take oodles of pictures, try to take videos, make photo books, etc... to help keep it all in line, to make the memories last a bit longer then my brain seems to want to retain them. More then that I want to remember to treasure every moment, as often as I can. Sure most of my days are full of laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc... and some may wonder how I intend to treasure these moments (I don't always, I will tell you that). My days are also filled with my

kids doing sweet things, great conversations with wonderful friends and family, loving looks from my husband, laughter & sometimes tears. It's not always a storybook day, obviously (my last blog being a good one to note), but it's still my life. These are the only days I will have here on this earth, God has ordained each one of them and I should always remember to pay attention before they are gone.

There is this old phrase "time marches on", really it seems to jog past most days, some days it seems to even sprint by. Ultimately I have two choices; to enjoy as much as possible to take it all in, or to loose track, going through life in a haze. Time doesn't really care which choice I make, it receives no benefit one way or the other. So I choose to do my very best to treasure my time as much as I can, because it is just going to keeping jogging on regardless.

My sweet Z...

My oldest son was just about born running. As an infant he didn't sleep like most babies, I cannot tell you how many times I thought to myself "Shouldn't he want to sleep more?!". At few months old it was evident that he didn't like to remain in one location for long, he didn't fuss to be held all the time but he sure liked a change of scenery every 30 mins. By six months he was army crawling everywhere, and I mean everywhere, and he never held still for long. It goes without saying that it was obvious from early on he was high strung.

As he has gotten older the spastic energy and tendancy for the dramatic can exhaust me. Not much is ever done half way with him, he is all or nothing. If something does not go his way it is (quite literally:) the end of his little world. He is often very loud, not intentionally, his tendency to do things all the way applies to his volume as well. When we go out to in public it is all I can do to keep him to maintain some order of calm and not bounce off of everything in sight. I'm certain there are people that look at me and think "can't she keep him under control?". It can wear me out, I'll be honest.

I don't tell you all of this to complain about my beautiful little man. All kids have quirks, those are just a few of his. The truth is, this same

flair for the dramatic also makes him very sensitive, intuitive, sweet and very, VERY loving. As I said, nothing is ever half-way with him and this applies to it all; love, life, play and everything in between. I cannot tell you how many times a day he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He often will yell "mom, mom, MOM! I love you!!" or my very favorite, "Mom, I pretty love you". Melts my heart.

You see, although this "all or nothing" attitude of his can be trying I am learning to appreciate

it anyway. I know that God made Him this way, not to punish me :), but to better use him. Already Isaiah has shown an incredible sensitivity to the Lord and I believe he has even heard Him speak inside his sweet little heart. For instance, one gorgeous summer day, a few days before we had a camping trip planned, we stepped outside to go somewhere and he said "wow mommy, it's a beautiful day!". I told him it was and that we needed to ask Jesus if He could help make it nice for us while we were camping. He said "ok", then paused for a moment looking reflective. Suddenly he got a big smile on his face and said "Mommy, did you hear what Jesus said?!?. When I told him I had not, he looked up at me and very excitedly said "He said YES!!". I know that may not sound like much to some of you but you know what? That weekend held some of the most gorgeous days I have ever experienced in Homer, ever. That is not the only time where I believe (know) Isaiah heard from the Lord. On another occasion he reminded me of something I had felt the Lord wanted me to do but had not quite finished the task. He woke up that morning, walked right up to me and delivered my reminder from the Lord. I was totally speechless, there was no way he could have known about the task, it had to have come from the Lord.

I share these beautiful, and sometimes nerve wracking truths about my son to say this... Sometimes our kids do things that make us crazy, quite literally, as I said all kids have their quirks. These things are often the shenanigans they perform daily (or almost daily) and wear on our very last nerve. They are what we, as adults, refer to as "personality flaws" in ourselves and each other. What I challenge each one of you who are parents (myself included) out there to do is take a little time to see the positive side to the particular behavior that can make you crazy. See if there is another perspective to take on the behavior. I know not all things do have another side, but sometimes the thing that makes our kids hard to deal with is also a part of their personality that makes them unique. God does not create "personality flaws", we are who we are for a reason, as are our children. Our children have a purpose and a destiny in this world, they are created for it specifically. It is our job as parents to teach them how better to use these traits, to help convert them into constructive behaviors. How very incredible to think about that and very daunting! I can sometimes be overwhelmed with the thought that I am moulding future grown-ups. It is, however, a task I truly enjoy. My hope is that with a little insight, a lot of patience and endless love, I can help them to become the great men they were intended to be.

Natural vs "Unnatural" Birth

****WARNING****To my male readers, this blog is about the birth of my children, I am going to be candid about it and wanted to warn you before reading further. There, you've been warned....:)

I have two kids, two beautiful little boys who mean the world to me. My boys have many similarities, many differences, both are unique. They also have very different birth stories, VERY different, the only similarities being that they were born and they were boys. Somedays I wonder if the way they came into this world played a role in their different personalities... Before I begin, let me make it VERY clear that I know that everyone's story is unique, I have no agenda to push but my experiences have given me a passion for the subject and I love to share what I have learned. I make no judgments on people's choices when it comes to giving birth.

Ok, that's out of the way. Let me start with my "unnatural" birth; from the beginning my doctor had my due date off by about 2 weeks. I tell you this because it plays a big role in how the rest of this story plays out. How did this happen? My periods were a bit haywire when I conceived and my doctor opted to go with my "period" due date, not the ones indicated by both early ultrasounds. Turns out the ultrasounds were spot on, I know this by comparing my "12 wk"ultrasound with a friends 12 wk one, Isaiah was OBVIOUSLY underdeveloped. You probably know that babies grow at pretty much the same rate up until 12 weeks so ultrasounds up to that point are pretty darn accurate. Should I have known this? Probably, but I did not educate myself properly with my first son, I was afraid of being afraid. Silly as it sounds, I had heard that those pregnancy books were full of all the things that could go wrong & the last thing I needed, being a person who struggles with fear, was "fuel for the fire". So, I didn't read a single book throughout my pregnancy, not a one.

Eventually the time came to deliver, 39 weeks...40 weeks...41 weeks (or so I thought). My body was doing nothing, I was getting impatient and tired. Finally at my 41 week appointment my doctor decided we should do another ultrasound to check on my little man. She determined that, although I had plenty of fluid, my placenta was "cooked" and told me we should induce that day. Off we went to the hospital...where we sat around for HOURS and HOURS waiting for my induction, apparently having an appointment doesn't actually mean you are going to be seen. Finally at 6 p.m. a nurse came in to give me Cytotec, these are essentially prostaglandin pills they insert into your vagina to cause your cervix to thin/dilate. At this point I was not dilated at all and barely effaced. I vaguely remember the nurse saying something about a side effect being hyper-activation of the uterus, which means my uterus would contract continually but have no effect on my cervix, but I paid little attention to it, thinking side effects rarely actually happen. I would learn that was a mistake on my part, by 5 am (3 hours after a second pill) it was obvious this is exactly what was happening with me. I hadn't budged an inch, or centimeter as the case was in nearly 12 hours. I was up all night with contractions that served no purpose, other than to keep me up. I was told to "get some rest", difficult to do as my uterus was still plugging right along, apparently unaware that it was working itself for nothing.

At 8 a.m. an IV was inserted into my arm and I was started on pitocin. Oh pitocin! Those of you who have had it, well... you know what I mean, those of you who haven't- I can attest to the fact that it makes your contractions worse then naturally occurring ones. Hours went by, still my body refused to respond, they upped the dosage, I walked and walked...by 3 in the afternoon I think I was maybe a 3, still only partially effaced. My doctor then decided to pop my water in the hopes it would speed things along. By this point I was exhausted, I had been up since 7 a.m the day before with very little napping in between. I was ready to hold my little boy, beyond ready. Hours passed, my contractions became harder to cope with, I am not sure if they were actually more painful or I was just loosing it from lack of sleep. At some point my IV had to be moved because it had started to balloon out, my arm looking clownish. Finally, at 8 p.m. all my determination to have a "natural" birth flew out the window; I was in pain, I was exhausted and I wanted drugs. My doctor gave me some statol, I was still only dilated to 5 or so and they were afraid an epidural would slow things down even more, if that was possible. I have never done drugs, only been drunk a few times in my life and for that one hour the statol did it's job, I was hilarious. I don't think anyone has ever laughed so much during labor as I did in that hour, unfortunately it didn't last long and before I knew it the contractions were back- OUCH! When I reached 6, around 10 p.m., the nurse came in to give me an epidural. This is the only time in my whole ordeal when my husband had to walk out, he couldn't handle the giant needle in my back or the scary moment when they realized they hit a vein not my spinal cord and my blood pressure plummeted. Once they were finished though, ahhh sweet relief. Relief, but no sleep came, at least not much to speak of. By this point I was so anxious to have the whole ordeal over, falling asleep was not an option. Several hours after my epidural was administered I was still not to 10 cm, it was about 2 am and my doctor decided that since we had popped my water I should start pushing. I am not sure why she decided this in hindsight as it had only been 12 hours since she broke my water, and know I know that it is at the 24 hour mark that they get concerned, either way, I started pushing at 9 cm. I would learn later, after the birth of my second child, that this was a big mistake.

Apparently my cervix doesn't fully dilate, leaving a "lip" that has to be worked aroundto get my kids heads out, making pushing at 10 a bit more difficult, let alone 9. I pushed for 2.5 hours, I was beyond exhausted and panic that I would never get him out set in after the first 2 hours. My doctor had to use suction, she had to give me an episiotomy, we backed off the epidural so I could better feel my contractions, at one point we prayed- Isaiah's heart rate was dropping. I could tell that my doctor was starting to panic, I caught glimpses between her and the nurse. Thankfully, I had a room full of awesome, supportive women because they are what kept me from completely loosing it. My husband was wonderful too, silently standing by, giving me what I needed & praying. Finally, finally he arrived, bluer than you can imagine and limp as a wet noodle. I was too relieved to see him to notice he didn't look like most newborns did, my mom & husband were scared...but in moments he was screaming at the top of his voice and rapidly turning pink. I was quickly handed my baby, who promptly peed all over me, little stinker. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! Amazing how you can love someone so much in the blink of an eye. He was 8 lbs 7 oz and 20.75 inches long, perfect!

All told I had been up for 46 hours when I held my baby, I had over 30 stitches (you know where), my abdominal muscles were jelly & my legs were swollen from the pitocin, but he was here, he was healthy & that was all that mattered. It took me a long time to recover, I couldn't walk upright for 2 days thanks to 35 hours of contractions, it felt like I had no stomach muscles. My body just wasn't ready, the entire ordeal was a battle all the way, trying to force it to do what it knew it should not. Isaiah suffered for it too, severe jaundice because of the bruising on his head (from the suction), kept us in the hospital for almost a week. Oh, & for my "cooked placenta", my doctor took one look at it saying "oh, I guess it had a few weeks". I don't blame my doctor, mistakes were absolutely made, but mine is not the first story like it. Induction often leads to long, exhausting labors. I blame myself more, had I read a book or two maybe I would have had the knowledge I needed to object here & there...maybe if I had listened to my body more...maybe. So many "what ifs" and nothing I can do about them now. Don't misunderstand me, I am SO thankful that he was ok in the end, I know I am a lucky woman. I guess I feel the saddest for him, I know he doesn't remember, but what a traumatic entry into the world! Sometimes when he is being overly melodramatic I wonder if some of the trauma at birth contributed to his somewhat spastic personality. I am being silly I know, but still... somedays...

Whew! Sorry, didn't mean for that to be so long. This next one will not be, for a million reasons,the simplest being my labor wasn't nearly as long. When I became pregnant with Joshua I decided to go a completely different route. I had recently had the honor of being in the room when my cousin delivered her beautiful little girl at a local midwifery and was so amazed by the calm in the room. I talked to David about it, he was nervous about natural birth, not because he doubted me or my abilities but because Isaiah could easily have died during his delivery. He was afraid of not being in a hospital for that reason but after meeting with the midwives he was at ease and told me to do whatever it was I was most comfortable with. So I began my prenatal care with the midwives. I cannot even begin to convey the absolute difference in the level of care I received from the start. My appointments were never less than 3 mins, I never felt rushed, they never rolled their eyes at questions I asked- silly ones I probably should have known since it was my second pregnancy. Given my history we had an early ultrasound to establish my due date, which was exactly the same as my cycle due date.

My pregnancy flew by this time around, having a toddler in the house will do that. Before I knew it 40 weeks was approaching!! I had braxton hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy and by 39 weeks they were really starting to hurt. Late in the evening of May 7th they began to come consistently, accompanied with some bad back pain- ugh. At 1 in the morning David and I went to the midwifery, only to learn I was dilated to a one...ONE! I will be honest, I lost it. Complete emotional breakdown, my mind flashed back to the cytotec & contractions going

nowhere. I thought to myself "seriously? ONE? If you can't handle this you are totally hosed!". I sent my mom home & my hubby to bed, sitting up in a chair all night. In hind sight, the contractions weren't so bad, if not for the back pain they caused. The next morning I left David to sleep (he had been working A LOT & was exhausted) while Isaiah & I went to my moms. The contractions continued to increase in intensity & at 10 a.m. I called the MW again & they told me to come in. When she checked me she said "You were 1 last night? Well you're 6 now, time

to move upstairs". I was ecstatic! My mom went to wake my hubby, who wasn't answering his phone, & I went up to a birthing room.

Most of the next four hours is a blur, the pain was there- it hurt, I'm not gonna lie. My sweet baby was making it worse because he wouldn't engage his head properly, causing the back pain. That is what I remember the most, the back pain- it felt like someone was inside my pelvis using a sledgehammer to try & beat their way out of my back. It was awful & yet there was such a peace in the room, my body responded to the

pain in the way it was meant to. Things progressed pretty quickly & I was at 10 by 2 p.m. thank goodness :). This is the moment I was totally amazed with this body of mine, it just knew when to start pushing. I didn't think about it, my body began to push all on it's own. At one point I was asked to stop pushing for a moment because his shoulder was caught, bad news if it goes awry- never once was I aware that anything was wrong, it was nearly impossible. After about 30 seconds I started pushing against my will, fortunately the problem was solved. It took 1/2 hour to push him out, mostly because his head was turned so he could suck his hand & there he was! So beautiful, so big! He weighed 9 lbs 13 0z & was 22 inches long, making him nearly 1.5 pounds heavier than his brother & 1.5 inches longer. I couldn't not believe I was done, I was so relieved & felt SO good...well good for someone who had just given birth. I held my sweet "little" boy & within a 1/2 hour he was nursing contentedly.

When all was said & done the only damage was some stitches, my midwife said that because I had such a large episiotomy I would likely tear

with all my children. It was very different from the first time though, the pain didn't last as long because it was a superficial tear, not a cut through muscle. I was tired but elated. My midwives laughed as I chatted their ears off about the difference in how I felt, while they were stitching me up no less. Joshua arrived in this world under much different circumstances than his brother, I can't help but feel guilty sometimes. Again, I wonder if his "mellow birth" has played a part in his more mellow personality. Probably not, it is more likely that Isaiah is higher strung because his mommy is & Joshua is more mellow because his daddy it. Still, it's interesting that the way they came into this world somewhat mirrors their personalities....

My point in sharing is to encourage you to listen to your bodies, whatever you decide. Be sure to educate yourself, knowledge really is power. Never, ever be afraid to tell your doctor/midwife what it is you want out of your birth experience, some things are in your control. Most of all I say never underestimate yourself- ever, you are capable of great things.