My Earthly Treasures

I've had a really bad cause of the "I needs" lately. I need a camera,  I need a new car, I need some new home decor, I need a new coat, I need new clothes, it's rather embarrassing to admit actually. For as much as I tell my children to be thankful for what they have, I haven't remembered to "practice what I preach" much the past few months. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you can't ever want anything or you're bad if you do, just that sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the material things we think we "need". We forget that none of it really lasts; cars run down, cameras break, clothes tear, our tastes change, etc... I started thinking about the material things I really treasure here on earth, are any of them in the category of items I've listed above? No. Why are the things I treasure actually treasures? It's certainly not because they make me look good, make grocery shopping more convenient, or my house look like it belongs in a magazine. These things are treasured because they remind me of people I love, memories with family & friends; they remind me that I am loved, and teach me the truth about God, who I truly am and the world I live in. So I thought I would share a few of those items I truly treasure...

A flannel that belonged to my grandpa, the clothes my boys wore home from the hospital, the crazy shorts my grandmother wore to my wedding & lots of cards from my boys

The first picture Isaiah ever drew of me when he was 3 yrs old

TONS of photo albums full of my favorite photos. These are just the printed ones, I literally have thousands of digital ones saved on flash drives & cds.

Isaiah's "dinosaur with eggs, volcano & palm tree" picture he drew at 3.5

A ford truck that once held the flowers my dad brought me at the hospital when my oldest was born, a vase signed by many family & friends at my surprise 30th birthday party.

A picture Isaiah drew last summer that shows how his "A"s used to look like little spaceships

The bible my parents bought me right after I got married, to replace the one my puppy had torn up & the journal I use to keep track of all the things the Lord has shown me, spoken to me or words given me through others. 

There are other items; a blanket my grandmother made for me when I graduated college, a tea set my mom gave me, a picture my niece won first prize with, a scarf my dear friend made, the shoes I wore at my wedding, a lacy table cloth made for us when David & I got married with a hole in it from our old cat...most items I couldn't sell at a yard for much if anything, but to me they are priceless. I know that things of this earth will pass away, it's really not the item I am so attached to as the sentiment behind it. I love pulling them out and remembering lost family, old times, dear friends, they remind me of the things that really matter to me. I am so blessed. 

These handsome guys (one of my favorite pictures taken 2 yrs ago) are not material or mine to keep, they belong to the Father.  I have been blessed to have them for a time though & they truly are treasures.

Happy Birthday to My Best Friend

12.5 years (or so) ago I met this guy named David, he was my new bestie's friend and had come over to use her laundry or something because his bathroom at home was torn up. It was my freshman year of college, I was 19, he was 18, we were kids. It wasn't love at first sight, in fact, I was dating someone else at the time. It was 7 months later that we began to spend more time together, my relationship had ended several months before and neither of us (David & I, I mean) were looking to date anytime soon. It was when my bestie met her future husband and started spending so much time with him, sometimes forgetting about plans with us, that David and I got to talking more. One night, my bestie (Julia), myself, another friend and David all went to the drive-in. Sitting in the Blazer all together was the first time I was aware that I had been thinking about what a great guy David was and that I was almost holding my breath sitting there next to him. That night I was signed up to walk in the "Relay for Life" on campus from 1-2 in the morning. I didn't want to do it alone (ok I wouldn't have been alone, alone but I wanted someone to chat with). I offered for any of them to join me, secretly hoping only David would offer and he did. We walked and talked until 4 am that night and from that night, until the day I had to go home for the summer (roughly a month later) we spent every single day but one together. We talked and talked, went to spring events on campus, went to church together. Two weeks into our 30 day stint, he finally (well it felt like finally, summer was coming & I'd hoped he would ask before I left) asked if I would be his girlfriend, of course I said yes. The rest is pretty much history :). I went home that summer and we spent countless hours on the phone, it's how I feel in love with him, through talking. We were engaged after 10 months of dating, married by 13. I was a month shy of 21, he was 7 months shy of it.

The things that attracted me most to David back then were; his love of Jesus, his tender heart, his humor his laid-back demeanor, his passion for music, his integrity, the care he took in whatever he did..and more. Now 10 years after we got engaged (very nearly to the day!) he is 31. I still love him for all of those reasons and much more; for his incredible love for our children, his enduring love for me through some rough times, his complete adoption of my family, his love for our nieces & nephews plus countless cousin's kids, the way he gets down and plays pretend with our boys, the incredible sacrifice he made building us this beautiful home, his tender heart (I love his heart so I had to mention it again:), his generous nature....So, happy birthday to my best friend, my love, the father of my babies and my partner in life!

My mom took this picture while camping this summer & I just love it. You can't see just how handsome he is but what a great shot....sigh, I love him

In sickness & in health

The past week and a half has been rough around here. We've had sickness befall one of us, one right after the other, one way or the other every day since January 21st (yes I've kept track:). It has been exhausting, emotional and lets face it, just plain gross at times. Something that I've realized, or re-realized, or newly appreciated in the past two weeks is my husband's willingness to help out with anything traditionally considered "my job". When Josh threw up all over, he took the carpet, I took the kiddo. When Isaiah needed popsicles and ibuprofen, he stopped at the store after a long physical day at work. When I got sick he made the drive all the way to Palmer (about an hour from where he's been working, then 45 mins back to our place) to get some more medicine for me, stopped and bought me chicken AND stopped to check the mail so we could have some new movies to keep us entertained the next day. He then came home, sent my feverish fanny to bed, took care of the kids and folded the laundry that had been sitting in the hamper since I first fell ill. There were moments where I could tell he didn't really feel up to doing these things, and yet he did. How did I get so lucky?

I confess when he came home from work feeling sick yesterday, after just sending my kids off so I could rest, I was a little disappointed. In part because I know how much he hates to miss work, and selfishly in part because I didn't want to have to take care of someone else when I had finally had time for myself. It passed quickly when I saw him and I immediately jumped in to take care of him, just as he had done for me. I realized that, in those few moments he had grumbled a bit about running the extra errands, it really had nothing to do with not wanting to help me, but just being tired. Honestly, before the tables had turned, I had taken a slight offense to it. Now I know it was nothing more then his (and later mine) mere humanity peeking out a bit. He was tired, I was tired, but still we labored for each other out of love.

Marriage isn't easy, not a single day has ever been the fairy tale ending I had imagined in my glowing eyes prior to making my vows. As a 10 year veteran of marriage I can now add some more to my vows; in exhaustion & rest, in stressful times & peace, with kids & without, in those days when you annoy me by breathing & days when you can do no wrong, in days we feel connected & days you feel like a stranger, in laughter & tears, in fishing season & out.... We've had our good days & bad, our richer & poorer, and (obviously) our sickness & in health. It all intertwines together to make up our life as man and wife, the good, the bad and the 3 am feedings. It's work, but it's the kind of work that has rewards beyond measure. Last night as I watched him labor under a fever of nearly 103, praying it wouldn't go any higher, momentarily wondering what I would ever do without him, I knew that every moment of our life was worth it. Even the really hard ones, because he's mine and I am his, we belong together. God made it so and I am ever so thankful....

David & I on our wedding day

A letter to my boys...

Tonight I cannot fall asleep. For as long as I can remember I have had moments like this, moments where my mind is so full of thoughts & emotions sleep refuses to come. I wish I had written those thoughts down more during past moments like this for now I know that many of them were worth recording somewhere. I am no novelist, poet or songwriter, but I love to relay the things that wander in my mind from time to time and this blog is where I have chosen to do it....

This has been a rough week for me, a rough couple of weeks actually. Stress is taking it's toll on my family, illness struck again and I have found myself on a roller coaster of emotion. My kids have been pushing every button imaginable, it feels like we have been in a battle of some kind of late. Isaiah especially has been difficult to deal with at times and I realize tonight that I have not taken the time I should have to simply love on them. The truth is, my time for snuggles, kisses & hugs is limited, not that they will not always love me but the method of displaying it will change. The realization of how quickly they are growing has struck me hard lately. Isaiah's life long need to find comfort in my hair (he loves to run it through his fingers) is fading, his need to snuggle me at bedtime too. Joshua has grown and changed so much it is incredible to think that less than a year ago he was not even walking. So tonight as I climbed out of my bed wrestling with my thoughts, I went and kissed my sons, thinking of the words I would say to them right now, if only they were awake...and could really understand all of what I was saying :). Here it is...

My dear sweet wonderful boys,

There is a song your Grandma and Great Aunties used to sing when I was young, I don't remember the name. It was a song sung by a mother whose children were grown. She sings about how their voices once filled her home, how they needed her to tie their shoes but now they were all grown up. The chorus went something like this "We must love them while we can, we must love them while we can. Time just seems to hurry by and the days slip into years, and the moments that we had just disappear". I remember that the song always made me feel sad for Grandma & Grandpa, wish that I would never grow up and leave. Of course, life does not work that way, children grow up, they move away, it all happens much faster then you can imagine being so little. I don't know that I agree with the song about the moments disappearing, everything about you is etched on my heart, but I do know that memories can fade.

The thing I want to remember is to always live so that you know how much I love you. I don't know that it is possible for me too, because I love you so much, you might get tired of mommy hugging you :). I want you to know that I longed for you both, even when mommy was young, long before I met daddy, I wanted two little boys. I prayed for you before you were even conceived, while you grew in my tummy, and everyday of your lives I will continue to pray for you. You are the very best thing that I have ever done and many days I cannot imagine what I did to deserve you both.

I want you to know that mommy & daddy are always doing what we think is best for you. Sometimes we may not do it the right way, we make mistakes, but our hearts are to give you everything you could ever need in this life. Even more we want to teach you about the One who loves you even more than we ever could. You have a purpose and a destiny in Christ, He has ordained a place in this world just for you. As much as mommy would love to keep you little and in her arms forever, it excites me to think of the lives you will lead when you move from home. The places you will go, the people you will meet, the things you will do by the power of the Almighty! I have said before that I don't always feel like anything more than mediocre, but the truth is, you both are my extraordinary!

This past month has been stressful on all of us. I know that you have both felt the strain of mommy & daddy's decision to build a home for you. It has been hard, daddy has sacrificed time away from you to give you something you can grow up in, always. We both wanted for you to have a place to roam, to do all the things that little boys do. We wanted for you to have a place of security in a world that seems to be a more dangerous place then the one we grew up in. We wanted you to have a place where you could have your friends over, a place you could "just chill" or whatever you will call it when you are older :). These are the reasons for our decision, I know it has been rough but know we did it because we love you & we are almost there!

I am so sorry for my lack of patience with you, I promise to do better. I love you both so very very much, I always will.

Love, Your Mommy

Sorry for the ramble, although I did warn you with the title of my blog :). Even letter to my kids seem to meander a bit. I am learning to accept this little quirk of mine, my rambling ways. I have let myself get embarrassed by it many times, but tonight I will embrace it. God does not make mistakes :) With that, I say goodnight. My mind is purged and now I am sleepy, sweet dreams...

Faith like a child...

"I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." Luke 18:17

A dear friend of mine very recently lost a grandparent. Listening to her talk about it brought to mind my own grandmother, who past away in 2004. Losing a grandparent is hard, especially if you have had the privilege of growing up knowing them. I was lucky to have a few grandparents around as a kid. My Grandma Bebe, my mom's mother, was probably the closest. She was always there, as a child, as a teen and as a young adult. When she passed away, the big gaping hole she left was felt by our family, church and many in the special needs community.

Let me tell you a little about my Grandma. She was born in Juneau long before Alaska reached statehood. Her childhood was not easy, to say the least, and ended at 15 when she married the only man she would ever love, my Grandpa Tom. She had 8 children, six of whom she raised on a homestead in Willow. Life was rough, home steading in Alaska was not easy on anyone; hauling water, chopping wood, etc... as well as freezing winters and muddy springs to cope with. They never had a lot of money and worked hard for what they did have. Her two youngest children came a long as a surprise in her late 30s, first Michael, then Crystle. By this point many of her older children had families of their own, in fact, my aunt was born one year after my oldest sister, almost to the day. When Crystle was only 6 years old, my Grandfather suffered a heart attack and passed away, leaving my Grandma to care for their two remaining children alone. She did her best to provide, eventually starting work at a bus barn as a bus aide for special needs children, a job she would keep for the next 20+ years.

Those are the facts about my Grandma, the framework of her life here on earth that helped to shape who she was. Who she was is more complicated then the sum of her life's events. Grandma was loud, a byproduct of having a half deaf father, but it was almost like her zeal for life could not be contained by "normal volumes". She loved to sing, loud and unabashed. She loved to watch strange shows/movies, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" being one of her favorites. Grandma ate weird foods, liked to chew on chicken bones and, despite being a diabetic, loved sweets. She could have a temper and be stubborn, but mostly was a sweet, fun, loving woman. She loved her family, loved her friends, her church, her job and the sweet kids she saw every morning on her bus routes.

The single most defining factor about my Grandma was her love of Jesus. Never in my life have I seen a more pure, innocent, adoring love then the love my Grandma had for the Saviour of her soul. This isn't to say that she didn't struggle at times, life dealt her many blows and Grandma was human after all. She just didn't complicate it like so many of us do, didn't question every aspect but simply accepted it like a child knows that her father loves her. One of my favorite stories about my Grandma is from my wedding in 2000. We held the wedding and reception in separate locations and somehow Grandma got lost in the transit. She went home to get her cordless (home) phone and then drove around with it in case we called her. I don't tell you this so you can laugh at her, though it is funny, but it is to demonstrate the childlike view my Grandma had of life. An innocence that never disappeared, despite years of hardship and sometimes heartache. It was this innocence, this childlike heart, that allowed her to have that sweet, pure love of God. Her "kids" (as she called them) from her bus routes likely shared this sweet innocence, allowing her to understand them in a way many people likely did not. It permeated her being, seeping out onto those of us privileged to be near her. I believe the light of Jesus could shine brightly through her because she didn't muddle it down with too much humanity. These are things that I remember the most about my Grandma, the things that still bring tears to my eyes even as I write them. She was one of a kind, even her unique name, Bebe, means baby, as if God whispered in the ear of her mother and named her Himself.

Bebe & Thomas Graham

My sweet Z...

My oldest son was just about born running. As an infant he didn't sleep like most babies, I cannot tell you how many times I thought to myself "Shouldn't he want to sleep more?!". At few months old it was evident that he didn't like to remain in one location for long, he didn't fuss to be held all the time but he sure liked a change of scenery every 30 mins. By six months he was army crawling everywhere, and I mean everywhere, and he never held still for long. It goes without saying that it was obvious from early on he was high strung.

As he has gotten older the spastic energy and tendancy for the dramatic can exhaust me. Not much is ever done half way with him, he is all or nothing. If something does not go his way it is (quite literally:) the end of his little world. He is often very loud, not intentionally, his tendency to do things all the way applies to his volume as well. When we go out to in public it is all I can do to keep him to maintain some order of calm and not bounce off of everything in sight. I'm certain there are people that look at me and think "can't she keep him under control?". It can wear me out, I'll be honest.

I don't tell you all of this to complain about my beautiful little man. All kids have quirks, those are just a few of his. The truth is, this same

flair for the dramatic also makes him very sensitive, intuitive, sweet and very, VERY loving. As I said, nothing is ever half-way with him and this applies to it all; love, life, play and everything in between. I cannot tell you how many times a day he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He often will yell "mom, mom, MOM! I love you!!" or my very favorite, "Mom, I pretty love you". Melts my heart.

You see, although this "all or nothing" attitude of his can be trying I am learning to appreciate

it anyway. I know that God made Him this way, not to punish me :), but to better use him. Already Isaiah has shown an incredible sensitivity to the Lord and I believe he has even heard Him speak inside his sweet little heart. For instance, one gorgeous summer day, a few days before we had a camping trip planned, we stepped outside to go somewhere and he said "wow mommy, it's a beautiful day!". I told him it was and that we needed to ask Jesus if He could help make it nice for us while we were camping. He said "ok", then paused for a moment looking reflective. Suddenly he got a big smile on his face and said "Mommy, did you hear what Jesus said?!?. When I told him I had not, he looked up at me and very excitedly said "He said YES!!". I know that may not sound like much to some of you but you know what? That weekend held some of the most gorgeous days I have ever experienced in Homer, ever. That is not the only time where I believe (know) Isaiah heard from the Lord. On another occasion he reminded me of something I had felt the Lord wanted me to do but had not quite finished the task. He woke up that morning, walked right up to me and delivered my reminder from the Lord. I was totally speechless, there was no way he could have known about the task, it had to have come from the Lord.

I share these beautiful, and sometimes nerve wracking truths about my son to say this... Sometimes our kids do things that make us crazy, quite literally, as I said all kids have their quirks. These things are often the shenanigans they perform daily (or almost daily) and wear on our very last nerve. They are what we, as adults, refer to as "personality flaws" in ourselves and each other. What I challenge each one of you who are parents (myself included) out there to do is take a little time to see the positive side to the particular behavior that can make you crazy. See if there is another perspective to take on the behavior. I know not all things do have another side, but sometimes the thing that makes our kids hard to deal with is also a part of their personality that makes them unique. God does not create "personality flaws", we are who we are for a reason, as are our children. Our children have a purpose and a destiny in this world, they are created for it specifically. It is our job as parents to teach them how better to use these traits, to help convert them into constructive behaviors. How very incredible to think about that and very daunting! I can sometimes be overwhelmed with the thought that I am moulding future grown-ups. It is, however, a task I truly enjoy. My hope is that with a little insight, a lot of patience and endless love, I can help them to become the great men they were intended to be.