What I'm Listening To

I heard this song for the first time about a month ago, and it brought me to tears. Since then I have listened to it many, many times and it can still bring tears to my eyes. Maybe you are wondering why, maybe you're thinking "it's a beautiful song but why the tears...repeatedly?". The answer is simple, it speaks to my heart because I could have written it, word for word. It could be the theme song for most of my life. I have always, always, loved the Lord. I have always, always, believed His word is truth but I put Him inside a box. I made the box based on my views of myself, my idea of how other's saw me, and stuffed Him inside. When I first heard the song the line "those were only empty words on a page" didn't ring true with me at first, I thought "well, most of this song sounds about right, but I always believed His word was true". It wasn't until I'd listened to it a few times that it occurred to me that, despite always believing the bible and what God was able to do, I never believed He would do it for me, so doesn't that make the words empty? If I don't believe they have power for my life, isn't it the same thing? Invisibility and insignificance are two things I have struggled with my whole life, I even blogged about it once. Only in the last year have I learned that this view of myself as being unseen, unknown, not special caused me to limit my knowledge of who God truly is. I have experienced His presence many times over in my life, but I never really dove in so to speak, not like I could have, not like He wanted me to. Now that I see, now that I have tasted the real truth about God's heart for me... I cannot even describe it. I am left wanting more; to know more, to see more, to taste more, to feel more of the overwhelming, all consuming, never ending, never failing love of the Father. I want to experience more of His power manifested in my life, for His glory, for His kingdom, that my life would be used in an even greater capacity to show His love, His life changing grace and mercy to pour out into other's lives. Don't walk through life with a limited view of who He is, don't put Him in a box, give Him free reign, you won't be sorry, I promise. 
(I posted the lyrics below the video in case you don't have time to listen to the song, so this blog makes more sense...listen if you can though, it's beatiful:)



I made You promises a thousand times 
I tried to hear from Heaven 
But I talked the whole time 
I think I made You too small 
I never feared You at all No 
If You touched my face would I know You? 
Looked into my eyes could I behold You? 


What do I know of You 
Who spoke me into motion? 
Where have I even stood 
But the shore along Your ocean? 
Are You fire? Are You fury? 
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? 
What do I know? What do I know of Holy? 


I guess I thought that I had figured You out 
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about 
How You were might to save 
Those were only empty words on a page 
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be 
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees 

What do I know of You 
Who spoke me into motion? 
Where have I even stood 
But the shore along Your ocean? 
Are You fire? Are You fury? 
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? 
What do I know? What do I know of Holy? 

What do I know of Holy? 
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? 
And a God who gave life it's name? 
What do I know of Holy? 
Of the One who the angels praise? 
All creation knows Your name 
On earth and heaven above 
What do I know of this love? 

What do I know of You 
Who spoke me into motion? 
Where have I even stood 
But the shore along Your ocean? 
Are You fire? Are You fury? 
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? 
What do I know? What do I know of Holy? 
What do I know of Holy? 
What do I know of Holy?

Frustration & Grace

I've have been so frustrated lately! My digestion never seems to be able to behave itself for more than a minute, can be so hypersensitive to any accidental allergen exposure and when it does go haywire I feel (and look) like I've gained a bunch of weight, which never helps anyone feel better. I am weary of reading every label, never eating out and still managing to find random things in random places that upset my stomach, bloat my belly and leave me, well frustrated. My recent stint of accidental exposure (to corn in the gelatin in new food enzymes capsules- yeah I know) threw my system for such a loop I am starting to wonder if it will ever recover. I know, of course, that I am being melodramatic (I blame it one hormones, which also mess with my guts), I know that there are many who suffer much worse and I try to remind myself to be thankful, somedays that's just hard to do. So (big sigh), what have I decided to do? Pray. Simple, easy answer, I don't know why it's so hard to come up with sometimes. I decided it was time to take my frustration to the One who cares about how I feel, even I think it's "too little" for Him to concern Himself with. The truth is, He wants me to, it's about being in relationship with Him. Do I not talk to my besties about my guts? Sure do (lucky girls ;-). So why wouldn't I turn to the One who created my body and all it's systems? Here are the conclusions I've reached (with a lot of supernatural prompting)...
Many people have told me that they allergies will go away, many of those people have experienced this wonderful event. I know that God can heal, don't doubt it for a second...but sometimes He doesn't. Not so long ago I would have assumed He wouldn't, not for me anyway, I spent many years failing to see the love He has for me. I never doubted His healing, just doubted His healing for me. I know now that this is about as big a lie as I could tell myself, God loves me just as much as Lazarus, whom He called forth from the grave (John 11:1-48). One of my favorite verses says "He will take delight in me with gladness...He will rejoice over you with songs" Zephaniah 3:17 (in part). The Creator of the universe rejoicing over me? You betcha and He rejoices over you as well. So I believe that if healing from my allergies is in His plan, it will happen, without a doubt. But what if it isn't? Then what?
The Bible says God has a plan for all of us, plans to prosper us, not for harm, His plans are to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). His word says that I was created by Him for a specific purpose, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago" Ephesians 2:10. If He choses not to heal me of my allergies it is simply because He has another plan in mind for my life. What exactly it is I don't know, but what I do know is this; the things I have walked through in the last year, my allergies being a big part of that, have brought me closer to Him. They brought me to a place of surrender, and when I did surrender, the joy, peace, grace and mercy I found waiting for me where beyond my comprehension. My battle with allergies has given me a new understanding for the things we put in our bodies, how I have treated my body, His temple, and opened up a new passion in my life for helping others with the same issues. Honestly, before my own allergies I really couldn't have cared less about the whole issue, now I am considering writing to my congressmen/woman to take up the cause of requiring food companies to label corn as an allergen as well. My experience with my allergies has opened up many, many avenues of conversation with others that repeatedly have led me to talk about the things God has done in my life.
I truly believe that is the tip of the ice berg, the beginning of many things to come, where God uses me through the things I've walked through, allergies included. He reminds me often of how far I have come, not to rehash the past, but because I sometimes try to go back there. Sometimes, like these past few weeks, I start to settle in the place where I feel sorry for myself, sing my "woe is me" song, lament the breads, pastas, and corn chips I may never again have. He reminds me that He has a purpose for my life, one that only I can fulfill. He reminds me that He will walk with me every step of the way, until the day I return to Him (Philippians 1:6)  giving me the strength to complete the tasks He has set before me (Philippains 2:13). So, if that means I will never eat another donut (which probably wouldn't kill me even if He did heal me:), it'll be ok, because what He has in mind for me is much greater than what I think I have in mind for myself.


Epilogue: Hahaha, an epilogue at the end of a blog (I did not rhyme those on purpose), that's ok right? I'm doing it anyway, it's my blog I can do what I want ;-). Anyway, I have to confess that after I wrote this blog last night I had a mini-meltdown over my stomach bothering me a little after dinner. I couldn't remember what I might have eaten to make it upset and was just annoyed. There were many other factors involved in my cry-fest, it wasn't all about my stomach, but it was the straw so to speak. I am sharing this to let you in on a secret, I am human lol. All the things I said above are still the truth, the real truth and how I really feel or want to feel daily about this whole situation. God is good, always good, He loves me, really loves me, and His plans for my life are good. So, even in those times where I have a little tear party I remind myself of what is true, wipe my eyes and chose to give thanks to the One who gave me life, my family, and so much more.

Exodus..

     I am currently on a "read the bible" in a year plan. It surprised me when I realized I had never, in 26 years of being a christian, read the bible in it's entirety. I've read the new testament a few times, but never all of the old testament. Anyhoo, I am currently reading in Exodus, about the Israelites, their departure from slavery in Egypt and their journey to the promised land. In my reading I found myself, more than once I hate to admit, passing judgement on them. Reading their story I want to holler or shake them, "why can't you just see?", "Uhhh God just saved you from slavery, why are you whining?!, "what more obvious signs of God's presence do you need before you will trust him?"...those kinds of things. Similar to the way I shout at or question character's in a movie that are just.not.getting.it. I just couldn't understand their lack of vision or their easy forgetfulness. God delivered them from Egypt, showing many signs & wonders before they actually departed (Exodus 5- 11). After they left when Pharaoh changed his mind and went chasing after them, God parted a sea for them to cross on dry land (Ex 14 & 15). He sweetened bitter water (Ex 15:22-25), provided manna & quail (Ex 16), actually appeared to their leaders (Ex 24:9-11) and yet time and time again they complained, grumbled, failed to trust, even built an idol to replace God (Ex 32). When the time came to cross into the land God promised (Numbers 13 & 14) they failed to trust the Lord and ended up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. It seems so crazy from this side of things, the miracles, the signs, the never-ending faithfulness of God, even when they complained-how could they not trust him? I mean seriously people...
     While mulling this all over one day, subconsciously asking the Lord how it was possible for them to have lost faith over and over, the Lord spoke to my heart. I am thankful that, even when pointing out things in my life/heart that are not in tune to the heart of the Father, he is so gentle. There was no condemnation, simply a reminder of the times in my own life I have been just like the Israelites. I was saved at 5, I think, I can't remember the exact age it was so long ago. Some of you may think that means I couldn't really have made that kind of decision for Christ, I assure you that my heart was changed and touched by the God of the universe and my decision was real and permanent. Regardless of all that, the point is I have known God most of my life, I grew up in church, my parents are Christians. I have known people miraculously healed, seen lives totally changed, heard testimonies of God's incredible goodness many times over. In my own life I have felt his presence, had prayers answered, been reassured over and over again that God was with me & God was for me. Yet I found myself, not so many years ago slowly pushing back from all I knew about God. I stopped attending church regularly, stopped reading my bible, I began to make compromises in my life, in my heart. I allowed bitterness, anger, depression, fear, take root. It wasn't a speedy rebellion, it was a slow decent, giving in here and there until my heart was no longer recognizable to me. The Lord spoke to me often during that time, I still loved him, I've always loved him but I just didn't want to have to do anything, I wanted change but not really. I was comfortable in my slavery to those things, especially fear, anytime I made headway away from it I kept going back. Just like the Israelites would likely have done (they surely wanted to many times) had they not been so far from Egypt.
    Thankfully, I serve a persistent God who loves me, who wants more for me in this life than the life I was living. He was faithful to walk alongside me, occasionally nudging me, waiting, hoping, longing for the day when I would simply turn and say "yes Father". That's all it took, I reached a place of desperate longing, my wilderness had gotten the better of me, as it did to the Israelites after those long 40 years of wandering. When I did finally acknowledge my desperate need, was finally willing to truly trust in the Lord, He was there to bring me through my wilderness and into the land he had for me. There were giants in the way, enemies determined to keep me from reaching it, but just like he did for those wandering friends of mine, he gave me the ability to destroy them one by one. The view from this side is so much more glorious then I could have imagined. So, you see? I am not so different then those grumbling Israelites, not different at all and the God I serve is the same wonderfully faithful one they finally trusted to bring them into the land he promised...and I am so thankful.

GOD-Reality

"What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, not to be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know God & how He works. Steep yourself everyday in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself."

~Luke 12:29-32, The Message

Sometimes reading something over and over opens your eyes to new things, sometimes reading a different translation of something does the same. That's what happened to me this afternoon, I was reading in my Message bible from Luke and these verses jumped out at me like they were written in neon flashing ink. I am learning, through study, prayer, conversations with friends who are willing to "say it straight", counseling, quiet evaluation and self-reflection that I have spent most of my life steeped in a "Neener-reality". My view of God was so wrapped up in my view of myself; I felt invisible so surely God didn't see me, I felt ungifted so surely God didn't give me any gifts, I felt judged so surely He judged me, I was afraid so surely God wasn't my provider/protector...you see where I'm going with this. It never occurred to me that perhaps my perception was what wrong, not the Bible, teachers, my parents or anyone else who tried to give me a glimpse of who God is. So much of our lives are shaped by what we feel at any given moment; how people make us feel, how we feel about ourselves...I wonder why it is so hard to dig deep, immersing ourselves in His word to learn how he feels about us. This is what I have strived to do in recent months, lay aside my own notions of who I am and therefore who God is and seek to find the answers he has for me. I needed to stop focusing on all the things I wanted and felt I wasn't getting, not just from God, but from my husband, family, friends, church, etc... and start focusing on what God has given me. I have been blessed beyond measure, found joy unspeakable and a fountain of peace waiting for me, all I had to do was trust and believe.

This is one verse I love to read to remind myself of how much God delights in me (& you)...

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Savior! He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love he will calm your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!" Zephaniah 3:17 NIV (emphasis mine)

My Merry Christmas

I believe in the Creator of the universe. I believe He made all things, from the giant blue whales to the smallest microbes living in our bellies to help us process food. I believe that He loves us, every one of us, more than we could ever know. I believe He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to give His life to bridge the gap between us and God, so that one day we can spend eternity with Him. I believe that Christmas is a day set aside to celebrate the beginning of true hope, the day that Christ, the Son of God, came to earth to be born as a child of man. I believe that Christmas represents the greatest love one can have for another, true hope, promise fulfilled & blessings. That is why when I wish you a Merry Christmas it is not meant to insult you or undermine your personal belief system. It is a greeting meant to express to you the hope that all the beautiful things I believe are represented in this holiday can be made evident in your life; love, hope, promise & blessing. That is why I wish you all a very Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

The heart of it...

This is a topic close to my heart, something I have been thinking about often lately- Offense. What do I mean by that? I mean the ease with which we can take offense with one another, how quickly it seems we can jump to conclusions about what someone may or may not have meant by something they said or did. I suppose it's human nature to be guarded, always on the offensive, trying to protect ourselves from hurt. I have to wonder though, is it the best way to view the world? I am not pointing the finger here, believe me I have had my share of offenses, real or imagined- often imagined (I'll explain these below:), so I am speaking from experience. What I wonder is how much better we would all be if we, rather than expecting the worst, expect the best of people? Maybe instead of assuming the person meant to hurt us with what he/she said, we decided to look past the words to what we know to be true about that person? Let's be honest, the people we tend to be hurt by the most are those closest to us, people we know & love. So why is it so hard to look past what may have been blurted out without thinking (or even said on purpose but without a clue that it may be hurtful to us) to the heart of the person. Before jumping to the conclusion that person "thinks your a bad mom/wife/friend/daughter" or that you watch too much tv, or eat too much, whatever the comment is- maybe if we stop and think about who said it, "are they a vindictive person?", "do they ever seem to say things with the intent to hurt" or just looking at where they may be coming from & give them some grace, perhaps the offense will never come. I think if we did stop for a minute to look at what we know about the offender, maybe we find that there was never any intent to hurt there.

I know there are times where people say things that hurt us, maybe even times they mean too, I don't know each person's story. I know there have been times where someone has deliberately torn me down.... but then what? Once the offense is there, what do we do? I am learning, through the course of my own experiences, holding on to that hurt/offense doesn't seem to benefit anyone. Sure I can feel my indignation is deserved but where do I go from there? I mean, I could talk to people about it (something I have done before, I confess), try to find someone to see it from my point of you, validate my feelings...then what? Most likely all I've really accomplished is to cause someone else to "take up my offense", gaining an ally in my righteous (because I'm right in being mad...aren't I?) anger, which makes me feel good- temporarily. The person who offended you, most often, doesn't benefit or lose out in these scenarios. In most cases whomever I was upset with was clueless to how I was feeling (not because they were stupid but either (a) they honestly didn't mean to hurt me or (b) rarely, they didn't care). Again, I am speaking from my heart, from my own experiences. I have not always taken my own advice, in fact much of the depression I suffered the past few years was a direct result from ignoring my own instincts and letting my hurts move to anger, un-forgiveness & bitterness. Some of the wounds I carried were real (I mean the person was careless & hurt me, intended or not, what they said/did was thoughtless), many were not (an "imagined" offense I call them, I took up offense because of my own issues, my distorted filter, there was nothing wrong with what they said or did) either way the end result is the same- if you do not deal with offenses as they come (maybe eliminating them before they are an offense, as I mentioned above) they fester, they get stinky and eventually take over.

My heart was full of old wounds, new wounds, real wounds, imagined wounds- I had never really dealt with any of them. Without my even being aware those wounds began to rot in there, seeping into the other areas of my heart and, before I knew it, altering my personality. I became a negative person, more easily offended, a gossip, quicker to anger, slower to trust...all traits that are not mine, not even a little. Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but it's all true. The bible says "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt 13:34b), my heart was pretty full of negative feelings and emotions, eventually they made their way out. When I realized (early this summer) what my heart really looked like I was left with two choices- forgive or continue on, stacking up my pile of wrongs until I was to completely crumple beneath them, I already almost had. I chose to forgive, it wasn't always easy, as I said some of the offenses were real and those are the hardest ones to let go of. I imagine this is because those are the ones we feel the most entitled to keep, "justified" in our hurt. I was tired of living life that way, I was ready to let go and once I did...oh man. It was like pealing away layer after layer of clothing that was caked in dirt, crippling my movements. Each time I took the time to evaluate my feelings toward someone, my hurts from them, recognize they're human (none of us are perfect), forgive them and ask for forgiveness for the choices I made after they hurt me (sins I committed as a result), I felt a little less bogged down and a little more like me again.

I am not finished, I still have old wounds and I am working at weeding them out, with the help of Jesus (because without Him, I often can't see the issue, let alone deal with it). I want to be free from the baggage I've carried around, unknowingly, for many years. Free to dance for joy, free to see the truth of who I am, to see people for who they are, rather then through my distorted filter, free to be ME, unhindered. My hope is that I won't take up anymore offenses, this doesn't mean I won't ever be offended (I am human), but I don't to leave my feelings unresolved, to forgive and not allow myself to stumble because of it. I want to break free from the chains I've allowed to hold me down, and spread my wings and fly :).

Revelations & reflections

"Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love in our hearts."

~ Rom. 5:3&4

I'm not crazy. That may sound like an obvious statement to many of you, but the day I realized what was happening with my body was not in my head but actually happening, it was a revelation. I was really starting to think that I was losing my mind. I was taking my thoughts captive (by that I mean when thoughts like "what if I have terminal cancer & die tomorrow" entered my head I didn't entertain them), reading my bible, seeking the Lord, really being changed in my innermost parts but I was still having these "episodes" that took it out of me for the entire day. I was at a loss, exhausted, still feeling sick and beginning to get discouraged, then I checked my email. I had a friend who had emailed me a week before but I hadn't had a chance to read it. Turns out she had read my blogs and thought what I was going through sounded very similar to her experience with a gallbladder in it's death throes. After reading her email and googling "gallbladder dysfunction" it was like a spotlight turned on in my brain- "THIS IS IT!" I told myself, feeling a glimmer of hope that I might not be sick forever. I'm sure that sounds melodramatic to many of you but those of you who have been sick for a long time without knowing why (or maybe you do) know what I am talking about.

Rather than go through all the details, I'll cut a potentially long story short. I called my ND, asked her to make some appointments to get it tested, learned my gallbladder was functioning at 51% at it's best, saw a surgeon, spent a few hours in outpatient surgery....now, almost two weeks later, I feel incredible. I'm not 100% yet, I was sick for awhile and I don't expect to be bouncing off the walls immediately. Still, I can eat food without getting horrible ill, no corn and wheat, but everything else I want! Even better still, is I learned that the gb had been going out for years (pathology report) which means in another few weeks I should feel better then I have in years! It is so wonderful to have answers and I am so thankful to be on the mend.

Once again I am not sharing to give you reason to have sympathy for me, or just to talk about my health issues (like David's Granny, whom I love but boy oh boy can she talk your ear off about her bodily functions). During the last part of my illness, after learning the cause, and during my recovery I have really reflected on the events of the past few months. A small part of me wondered if I had just given my symptoms to my ND in the first place, rather than diagnose myself with various things (panic attacks included), if she would have been able to figure out the source of my problem sooner. I suspect that she would have, apparently my symptoms are pretty textbook for someone with a gallbladder on the fritz and she is pretty smart. The larger part of me is glad that it took time to diagnose, thankful for the time I thought I was suffering terrible panic attacks. No, I do not enjoy being sick, tired and starving but if I had not spent those weeks at the end of myself I might have continued to stay where I was on the inside. I might not have recognized the areas of my heart I had let get grimy, or seen the mountain of baggage I had stored away in a room in there just waiting to ambush me.

I recently read a small booklet written by the late Charles Haun entitled "The Wilderness of the Red Sea & Shur" where he talked a lot about those times of trial we all go through. Many people are stumped (ourselves included) when Christian's go through hard times. Somewhere along the way there developed a misconception of what Christianity is, surely a kind God would shield His believers from trouble, right? The truth people fail to see is the world we live in is full of trouble, has been since Eve first tasted the fruit, it's not the way God intended it to be but in giving us free will it was a risk He took. Of course, He knew the outcome, so I suppose it wasn't a true risk but to be honest it makes me love Him all the more. He knew we would hurt Him, knew many would turn their backs on Him, all would sin and yet He created us anyway, so that He could restore us, love us, have relationship with us- kinda knocks my socks off.

Anyway, I am getting off topic...sort of. What I loved about the booklet I read is how candid Pastor Haun is about trials, how the truth is sometimes God allows us (even leads us, look at the Israelites out of Egypt) to walk through things in order to reveal to us our true state of being. I don't know if this applies to every trial, the world is full of suffering, Christians don't get a "get out of jail free" card for it, but I know one thing for certain, regardless of the trial God is right there with us, always. Anyway, I believe God allowed me to walk for a time thinking my problem was in my head. I had no idea the gunk hiding in the depths of my heart, nor was I aware of those issues I had. He didn't allow it to condemn me but to bring deliverance for me from those things. Charles Haun said it like this "Why the bitter experience? They are used by God in an attempt to bring us out of unbelief and into perfect trust and rest". It's about restoration, not destruction, God is all about bringing us to a place of pure joy in Him, not sadness in the world. The bible says "it is for freedom He set us free" (Gal. 5:1), plain and simple. A heart restored and set free is free to believe the truth of God's word; what He says about our lives, about His love for us.

The truth of all of this doesn't mean I haven't struggled in the past few months, that I haven't had my mellow dramatic, "woe is me moments". There have been a lot of things changing in my heart and change is sometimes, often times, painful. I have had to recognize areas of hurt in my life, relive emotions I had stuffed way down thinking I had dealt with them. I have had to forgive myself and others, to let go. All of these things can be tough, but what I am gaining is priceless, freedom and the ability to accept the love God has for me, to see myself as He sees me. I am gaining a slow shedding of the filters I have added to my vision over the years that have led me to misinterpret people, misunderstand them or simply misguided me as I walked through this life. We all have them, whether we recognize them or not, I certainly didn't see mine. They are a result of our life's experience and we often slap them on unintentionally, we are human after all and often see our lives as the sum of our experiences. What I am learning is what I've done doesn't make up who I am, who I am is who Christ made me to be and I want to be that girl.

So I urge you, if you are struggling in life to spend some time in prayer/reflection upon it all. Open your heart up fully, lay it all bare. You may see things in there that aren't pretty, hurtful experiences you forgot about. The beautiful thing is that God is right beside you, looking in too, reaching out to take those things from you and replace them with love, truth and freedom.

Panic, nausea & a whole lot of grace

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

~2 Corinthians 4:8-9

To say the past month has been rough on me is a fairly large understatement. I suffered from panic attacks years & years ago, partially a result of birth control but I hadn't had a full blown one in YEARS before having one on the 21st of May. It came out of nowhere, took me by surprise and sent me reeling for a few weeks. Anxiety begets anxiety in a vicious cycle if you cannot stop it. The first attack was followed by a smaller one Sunday, and 2 more the following Thursday & Friday. Right about when I caught a digestive bug, which wrecked havoc on my body for nearly a week before subsiding. In the middle of all of that my reflux became unbearable leading to near debilitating nausea, (I think it was made worse by the bug)...so that's been my month, at least the tough parts of it.

Before I go further I should clear the air about panic attacks because I think many people who have not experienced them do not understand (even those of us who have don't really). To a degree they are controllable, you can stop yourself from allowing the anxiety, thoughts, etc... from taking hold & resulting in a panic attack. Sometimes, however, your body goes there regardless of your conscious effort to stop it. Your "fight or flight" instinct overrides the rest of your nervous system, adrenaline is dumped and off you go. They aren't fun, they're terrible to say the least and the "fall out" afterward (a result of the adrenaline wearing off) is nearly as bad as the actual attack. They can hit you out of nowhere, whether you are feeling particularly anxious or not. For example, I've had one hit me in the middle of a pleasant dinner with friends, no obvious reason what so ever.

Anyway, I do not share this with you to complain about what I have been through but to share what God has done in my life and heart in the midst of it all. You see, I'm a hypochondriac, there I said it. I am not sure when it began but somewhere along the way I started freaking out at the thought of dying & consequently freaking out about every little thing that may (or may not) be going on with my body. During the first round of panic attacks, in 2001 I think, I was constantly afraid I was going to suffer a brain aneurism and die. I wasn't completely unfounded in thinking something was wrong with my head, my neck turned out to be so out of line it took several visits to the chiropractor to fix it, but the mere fact that my brain assumed it was life threatening was enough. At the time I thought I was losing my mind, because a part of me knew that it was in my head (no pun intended) but I couldn't control my mind from going there. Those of you who were around me at the time know for that month or two I was volatile, emotional, slightly depressed & utterly at a loss as to what was happening. Eventually we learned that the year I had spent on birth control had left me hormonally off balance & suffering heart palpitations, so I got off of it. I spent time in prayer, got some counseling and over time the attacks stopped.

So there, there's where I've been and a little about what I suffered. I imagine you can gather from what I told you above that when my first major panic attack in years struck I was beside myself. It was so bad I had to pull my car over, fortunately I was near a family friend's shop and she was able to pray with me. I was embarrassed, shocked and honestly, ashamed, I had a lot of shame regarding my "issue”. Part of the reason I am sharing now is to push myself past that shame, to allow God to heal me through writing but also to help anyone else who may suffer panic attacks from feeling that same shame. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer panic attacks, the shame will only serve to keep you in the place where you may keep having them, so let it go, you'll feel better for it.

Shortly after the first attack I began to pray, fervently, passionately crying out to God. The truth is in the last several years I have lived a pretty stagnate Christian life. After all God has done for me, after all I have seen, I was as stale as bread left out for a week. I still looked like a Christian from the outside, but on closer inspection I was getting hard & brittle, with little "nutrition" to offer anyone. Some of you may be surprised at this confession, I hid it well, but it's the truth. I had become so distracted by worldly things, face book, tv, books, etc...I had lost sight of my God and as a result, lost sight of who I truly am, who God desires to make me into, all that I could be. I was bitter, frustrated, depressed, more cynical, easier to offend, quicker to anger, essentially of the things that I really am not, but it was what I was becoming. That panic attack was a wake up call, I was drowning and I didn't even know my feet were wet.

I'd like to tell you that my crying out brought instantaneous deliverance, but it didn't. Following my decision to listen to what I felt God was telling me; no more crime tv for awhile, no more secular crime novels (here is where my compromising was really evident, some of the books I read where garbage), no more checking face book 50x a day, get my bootie to Fresh Start, forgive my husband; I had the hardest week I have had in ages. It's like Satan took one look at my rapidly changing heart and said "oh crap, better start chucking the good stuff at her", in an attempt to cut my legs out from under me before I had even fully stood. I had two more panic attacks that next week, big ones and I got sick, real sick. I am not sure how much of my illness was a bug and how much was reflux/anxiety related stuff but boy did I feel terrible. I felt terrible, add to it my flair for the "health dramatic" and I was reeling even more. Here's the thing though, God was there. He did not abandon me the moment I slid right back into my hypochondriac mind, or had another panic attack, he did not wash his hands of my humanity. He stood by me, held me up, gave me scripture and held me close when I needed it. At one point I was so lost as to what to pray for I just opened my bible & read straight from it, only to find the words were exactly what I was feeling. He helped me to begin to see the root of my issues, the areas in my heart that needed a revamping. I did see a doctor for the physical aspect of it, because something truly was going on. I was able to get medicine for my reflux, medical advice on some other issues. The nausea took awhile to subside, I imagine because my reflux was so bad, but slowly I began to feel better.

I did have yet another panic attack, about 10 days after the bad ones, while camping with friends. It felt out of the blue, although it had been an emotionally/physically exhausting day, it happened before I even had a chance to think about what was happening. Thankfully it didn't last long, the "fall out" was rough, adding to the adrenaline was the fact my electrolytes were out of balance from some other digestive "issues". Even worse then that was my disappointment in the fact it happened at all. I was mad, frustrated and ashamed. I felt like I had failed, like wasn't doing what I was supposed to, or I wasn't strong enough to beat it, or maybe God had deserted me after all (I mean it's not like I've been a good friend to him lately). Later that same night I opened a year-long devotional (Beth Moore's Breaking Free) I had recently purchased to the day’s date. This is what it said:

"Here is the endurance & the faith of the saints".~ Revelation 13:10

How does a believer get her thoughts to bow to the truth? By believing, speaking, and applying the truth as a lifestyle. This step is something we live, not just something we do.

We can't just shout "Sit!" and expect the dog to stay there for a week. We've worked long and hard to get that dog to sit, but it's not going to sit forever. We don't achieve victory once and never have to bother with that thought problem again. Our thought life is something we'll be working on the rest of our lives in our desire to be godly.

I have to tell you, I nearly laughed out loud when I read this. Not because it’s funny, but because of how incredible God is. I mean, come on, what are the odds that on that day Beth Moore would address in her devotional (365 pages long) the very thing I was struggling with? My guess is they are pretty high, until you add the "God factor". God speaks in a variety of ways, it isn't always a booming voice from a burning bush (in fact I've never had a "Moses experience") sometimes it's through other people, even people we've never met in a book we'd never heard of until stumbling upon it on amazon.com. Let me tell you what though, I got the message. I've got to be patient, to wait patiently upon God, seeking him, crying out to him, telling him how I feel; whether it's fear, anger, frustration, elation, disappointment, excitement, sadness, joy, etc... He wants me to give it ALL to him, the good, the bad & the ugly. He desires relationship with me, ME- the one who had neglected him for years, ME- who sometimes lets my imagination get the better of me, ME- who let myself become so engrossed in the world I was reading books full of swearing/horrible crimes, ME- who allowed bitterness/anger to change my relationship with my husband, & effect my relationships with friends & family. The truth is he doesn't see me as any of these things, he sees past my failures into my heart, he sees me as he meant for me to be, to who I truly am- not the mess I made of myself. He loves Renee, that's it, no labels just me and I am thankful. Those who don't share my faith may think that it was my strength of character or will that has slowly lifted my feet from the muck I was in, I can assure it was not. My "strength of will" was gone, the only place I was going was down, sinking further into my pit until I lost myself in it.

I am currently in a process, I am not totally free from being a hypochondriac, even today I struggled with wondering what exactly had happened in the pool during the tri. I didn’t entertain the thought, wouldn’t “go there”, I prayed and gave it up to God. What’s the worse case? I have some crazy heart defect that’s going to kill me someday, so what. I trust God, I trust him with my life, I trust him with my family. If I can “settle in the extreme” as my cousin calls it, I take away the very tool the enemy is using to try and destroy me, fear. No, I don’t really think I have a heart defect that is going to kill me, I’m just saying. God is working in me and I have full faith that one day I will be free, God wants to set me free. He doesn’t want to see me bound by fear, but joyous in him. I am excited for what God is doing, the changes he has made in my heart and the impact those changes have already had on my family. I am expectant for great things in my future. Does this mean my life will be roses & chocolate from now on? Certainly not, it never is, but I can find joy in God, always.

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and hear my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the muck and the mire;

he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

~Psalm 40:1-3

Faith like a child...

"I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." Luke 18:17

A dear friend of mine very recently lost a grandparent. Listening to her talk about it brought to mind my own grandmother, who past away in 2004. Losing a grandparent is hard, especially if you have had the privilege of growing up knowing them. I was lucky to have a few grandparents around as a kid. My Grandma Bebe, my mom's mother, was probably the closest. She was always there, as a child, as a teen and as a young adult. When she passed away, the big gaping hole she left was felt by our family, church and many in the special needs community.

Let me tell you a little about my Grandma. She was born in Juneau long before Alaska reached statehood. Her childhood was not easy, to say the least, and ended at 15 when she married the only man she would ever love, my Grandpa Tom. She had 8 children, six of whom she raised on a homestead in Willow. Life was rough, home steading in Alaska was not easy on anyone; hauling water, chopping wood, etc... as well as freezing winters and muddy springs to cope with. They never had a lot of money and worked hard for what they did have. Her two youngest children came a long as a surprise in her late 30s, first Michael, then Crystle. By this point many of her older children had families of their own, in fact, my aunt was born one year after my oldest sister, almost to the day. When Crystle was only 6 years old, my Grandfather suffered a heart attack and passed away, leaving my Grandma to care for their two remaining children alone. She did her best to provide, eventually starting work at a bus barn as a bus aide for special needs children, a job she would keep for the next 20+ years.

Those are the facts about my Grandma, the framework of her life here on earth that helped to shape who she was. Who she was is more complicated then the sum of her life's events. Grandma was loud, a byproduct of having a half deaf father, but it was almost like her zeal for life could not be contained by "normal volumes". She loved to sing, loud and unabashed. She loved to watch strange shows/movies, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" being one of her favorites. Grandma ate weird foods, liked to chew on chicken bones and, despite being a diabetic, loved sweets. She could have a temper and be stubborn, but mostly was a sweet, fun, loving woman. She loved her family, loved her friends, her church, her job and the sweet kids she saw every morning on her bus routes.

The single most defining factor about my Grandma was her love of Jesus. Never in my life have I seen a more pure, innocent, adoring love then the love my Grandma had for the Saviour of her soul. This isn't to say that she didn't struggle at times, life dealt her many blows and Grandma was human after all. She just didn't complicate it like so many of us do, didn't question every aspect but simply accepted it like a child knows that her father loves her. One of my favorite stories about my Grandma is from my wedding in 2000. We held the wedding and reception in separate locations and somehow Grandma got lost in the transit. She went home to get her cordless (home) phone and then drove around with it in case we called her. I don't tell you this so you can laugh at her, though it is funny, but it is to demonstrate the childlike view my Grandma had of life. An innocence that never disappeared, despite years of hardship and sometimes heartache. It was this innocence, this childlike heart, that allowed her to have that sweet, pure love of God. Her "kids" (as she called them) from her bus routes likely shared this sweet innocence, allowing her to understand them in a way many people likely did not. It permeated her being, seeping out onto those of us privileged to be near her. I believe the light of Jesus could shine brightly through her because she didn't muddle it down with too much humanity. These are things that I remember the most about my Grandma, the things that still bring tears to my eyes even as I write them. She was one of a kind, even her unique name, Bebe, means baby, as if God whispered in the ear of her mother and named her Himself.

Bebe & Thomas Graham

extraORDINARY me

I am shy, very shy, I hide it well but the truth is if you put me in a group of new people I turn into a 12 year old girl inside. I am quiet, in a family of somewhat loud people I am not really sure how that happened. Sometimes I think I am even invisible, made of some transparent material that is easily overlooked or seen right through. My whole life I have felt this way, it is not anyone's fault, as I said I am shy and quiet which makes me easy to overlook. I have often been on the sidelines watching other people do amazing things; mission trips, scholarships, athletic victories, great jobs, incredible musical talent, etc..feeling like I was somehow not doing all I was supposed to be...
I got decent grades in school, I went to college, I can run, I can carry a tune, I do have some skills but being entirely honest I have never excelled in anything. I have always been somewhere in the middle. I used to struggle with this, looking at other peoples lives feeling like they could be better used by God because they at least had one (or more) area of excellence. Lately I have spent time reflecting and praying over this view of myself and here are some of the things I have discovered. God SEES me, first and foremost, even if I feel at times no one else does God SEES me and He knows me. He knows those times when I feel transparent, when I feel like I need to be doing something more than what I am. He knows my heart is to serve Him, to live my life displaying the glory of His splendor, to be used by Him.

He has shown me that He did not mess up in His creation of me. I am quiet because He wanted me to listen, He wanted me to be peace for my loved ones. He made me smart enough to discuss intelligently those things I am passionate about (evolution/creation, heath & more) but not so smart I get caught up in the intellectual. He gave me a voice to worship Him, to share my hop

es, dreams, to share His love and mine for humanity but not the talent to become taken with myself. He gave me legs to run, a heart to beat and a desire to push myself beyond my limits physically, but not so swiftly I become obsessed by my own skill. He made me loving, compassionate, sensitive, emotional, silly, spastic, childlike and so much more. He made me who I am because He wanted who I am, He wanted Renee, He has a purpose for me as He made me, not as I think I should be.

So maybe I won't be some great missionary in Africa, maybe I will never even do a trip, but I am here in the day to day life of my family and friends, of my hometown and state. He can use me this way, because He has placed me here. I may never lead a worship team, win a race or even have a "regular job", but God will use me. This is not to say He will not push me, I do not know exactly all that He has planned for me. He is teaching me in my new found physical excursions that I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was. How He will use these new revelations of mine I do not know. The one thing I do know is that this "ordinary life" of mine is and will be extraordinary.