Frustration & Grace

I've have been so frustrated lately! My digestion never seems to be able to behave itself for more than a minute, can be so hypersensitive to any accidental allergen exposure and when it does go haywire I feel (and look) like I've gained a bunch of weight, which never helps anyone feel better. I am weary of reading every label, never eating out and still managing to find random things in random places that upset my stomach, bloat my belly and leave me, well frustrated. My recent stint of accidental exposure (to corn in the gelatin in new food enzymes capsules- yeah I know) threw my system for such a loop I am starting to wonder if it will ever recover. I know, of course, that I am being melodramatic (I blame it one hormones, which also mess with my guts), I know that there are many who suffer much worse and I try to remind myself to be thankful, somedays that's just hard to do. So (big sigh), what have I decided to do? Pray. Simple, easy answer, I don't know why it's so hard to come up with sometimes. I decided it was time to take my frustration to the One who cares about how I feel, even I think it's "too little" for Him to concern Himself with. The truth is, He wants me to, it's about being in relationship with Him. Do I not talk to my besties about my guts? Sure do (lucky girls ;-). So why wouldn't I turn to the One who created my body and all it's systems? Here are the conclusions I've reached (with a lot of supernatural prompting)...
Many people have told me that they allergies will go away, many of those people have experienced this wonderful event. I know that God can heal, don't doubt it for a second...but sometimes He doesn't. Not so long ago I would have assumed He wouldn't, not for me anyway, I spent many years failing to see the love He has for me. I never doubted His healing, just doubted His healing for me. I know now that this is about as big a lie as I could tell myself, God loves me just as much as Lazarus, whom He called forth from the grave (John 11:1-48). One of my favorite verses says "He will take delight in me with gladness...He will rejoice over you with songs" Zephaniah 3:17 (in part). The Creator of the universe rejoicing over me? You betcha and He rejoices over you as well. So I believe that if healing from my allergies is in His plan, it will happen, without a doubt. But what if it isn't? Then what?
The Bible says God has a plan for all of us, plans to prosper us, not for harm, His plans are to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). His word says that I was created by Him for a specific purpose, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago" Ephesians 2:10. If He choses not to heal me of my allergies it is simply because He has another plan in mind for my life. What exactly it is I don't know, but what I do know is this; the things I have walked through in the last year, my allergies being a big part of that, have brought me closer to Him. They brought me to a place of surrender, and when I did surrender, the joy, peace, grace and mercy I found waiting for me where beyond my comprehension. My battle with allergies has given me a new understanding for the things we put in our bodies, how I have treated my body, His temple, and opened up a new passion in my life for helping others with the same issues. Honestly, before my own allergies I really couldn't have cared less about the whole issue, now I am considering writing to my congressmen/woman to take up the cause of requiring food companies to label corn as an allergen as well. My experience with my allergies has opened up many, many avenues of conversation with others that repeatedly have led me to talk about the things God has done in my life.
I truly believe that is the tip of the ice berg, the beginning of many things to come, where God uses me through the things I've walked through, allergies included. He reminds me often of how far I have come, not to rehash the past, but because I sometimes try to go back there. Sometimes, like these past few weeks, I start to settle in the place where I feel sorry for myself, sing my "woe is me" song, lament the breads, pastas, and corn chips I may never again have. He reminds me that He has a purpose for my life, one that only I can fulfill. He reminds me that He will walk with me every step of the way, until the day I return to Him (Philippians 1:6)  giving me the strength to complete the tasks He has set before me (Philippains 2:13). So, if that means I will never eat another donut (which probably wouldn't kill me even if He did heal me:), it'll be ok, because what He has in mind for me is much greater than what I think I have in mind for myself.


Epilogue: Hahaha, an epilogue at the end of a blog (I did not rhyme those on purpose), that's ok right? I'm doing it anyway, it's my blog I can do what I want ;-). Anyway, I have to confess that after I wrote this blog last night I had a mini-meltdown over my stomach bothering me a little after dinner. I couldn't remember what I might have eaten to make it upset and was just annoyed. There were many other factors involved in my cry-fest, it wasn't all about my stomach, but it was the straw so to speak. I am sharing this to let you in on a secret, I am human lol. All the things I said above are still the truth, the real truth and how I really feel or want to feel daily about this whole situation. God is good, always good, He loves me, really loves me, and His plans for my life are good. So, even in those times where I have a little tear party I remind myself of what is true, wipe my eyes and chose to give thanks to the One who gave me life, my family, and so much more.

Neener's Almond Muffins (Gluten Free!)

Ok, so I am not entirely sure I have perfected this recipe but today I got pretty close so I decided to share it anyway. What's not perfect? They are a little less fluffy, a little more dense then I'd like them to be. This is an issue I run into repeatedly with gluten free baking. I suppose I should break down and buy an all-purpose gluten free flour but I have yet to find one that is either a) corn free as well, many of them use cornstarch, this means no xanthan gum as well, which is derived from corn or b) truly all-purpose. In my experimenting I've learned that what works well for breads doesn't always work well for cookies, and that mixing flours is always your best bet.  It's the ratio of what flours to use I am still working on. These muffins are gluten free, corn free, dairy free & can be egg free AND they are STILL yummy lol. I added any modifications after asterisks for those who may not need to use the "allergy option".

• 1/2c Almond meal
• 1/2c Sorghum Flour
• 1/2c Oat Flour
• 1/2c Rice Flour ******Note if you can have wheat just use 1 & 1/4c all purpose flour & 1/2c Almond meal
• 1 tsp Cream of Tartar
• 1/2 tsp Baking Soda*****These two (CoT & BS) are in place of baking powder, which contains corn (I know, it's everywhere), if you don't need a corn free option 2 tsps baking powder will work!
• 1/3-1/2c sugar*****I don't eat much sugar at all these days so I like them to be a little sweeter (still not too sweet with 1/2c) and don't feel too guilty about it. You can also use Stevia but I haven't tried so you're on your own there :)
• Pinch of salt
• 1 tsp Guar Gum****Xantham Gum if you want, or if you use regular all-purpose flour omit this all together, it already has a binder. 
• 1 egg****If you need to go egg free, try 1 TBSP flax meal in 3 TBSP hot water, let sit for 10 mins add in just like you would an egg!
• 1/4 c Cooking oil 
• 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
• 3/4c Almond milk******Again if you don't have to go dairy free, regular milk works. I like using almond milk anyway, even though I can have dairy, because it accents the flavor of the muffins. 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Put all dry ingredients together in a bowl; flours, sugar, baking soda, cream of tartar, guar gum, salt, set aside, mix well and set aside. In separate bowl add milk, oil and beaten egg, mix together. Make a small well in the center of your dry ingredients and pour liquids into it. Using a mixing spoon, stir all ingredients together until well blended. The flour will look pretty moist. Using a pre-greased muffin pan pour batter into muffin spots (what is the technical name for those?) until they are 3/4 full. Bake for 12-18 mins, depending on your oven. Remove when done, allow to cool for a few minutes before removing them & enjoy!!

These are not super sweet, dessert type muffins, they are definitely more of a breakfast muffin. I really like making them because they have some protein to them thanks to the almonds, they are great snacks!! Please let me know if you try them out, I am open to ideas! In fact, I think next I am going to try using Tapioca flour (or starch as it's sometimes called) in place of the rice flour and omit the binder. I often forger the binding agent so my muffins can be crumbly, I was thinking maybe the tapioca flour might bind it together ok so those times (cough everytime lol) I forget to use the guar gum they won't fall apart. I'll let you know! 

No corn, no wheat, no kidding?

I have acid reflux, you've heard me mention it once or twice. It can be pretty bothersome, until about 8 months ago I thought it was something I simply had to live with, period. Then sometime in October I went to see a ND (naturalist doctor?), she told me that acid reflux was most commonly caused by eating something you are allergic too. I did have some questions about food allergies, it was part of the reason for my visit. I had begun to notice some unpleasant stomach issues after eating a few servings of beef a week and was suspected *maybe* I had an allergy to it. I was not happy to admit it, I lived in denial for several months, I mean I love steak- love it, and depriving myself of it indefinitely did not sound appealing. Finally after some stomach pain (second in intensity to childbirth) that nearly sent me to the hospital, I conceded.

She agreed that I likely had a beef allergy and needed to cut it from my diet, following it with words I had been afraid to hear- "You should cut out gluten for now too, you may not be allergic but I suspect that you are". In my head I screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE BREAD?!?". Of course my mouth simply said "are you sure, if you think I should I will really try" (this is one of those times I am thankful for mental filters:). So I went home and began the long slow process of reprogramming my brain that bread is not wonderfully delicious but full of an evil product that wants to gum up my digestive system and bloat me like a cow that's been dead on the prairie for five days (yes, I am dramatic:). It was tough but I did it, in fact I started eating really great in general and was feeling good. The weird skin spots (I forgot to ask her about, my brain somedays...) began to clear up and my stomach did not resemble that of a 5 month pregnant woman's daily. I even began to experiment with different flours, finding decent cookie and muffin recipes. The thought of life without gluten being a dark abyss faded and I realized, "huh, I really can live without bread, who knew?".

Then came the holidays...oh boy. I can honestly say I did pretty good on the "no beef/no gluten", but as far as eating healthy in general, not so much. Seriously, who eats healthy over the holidays anyway? As I began to "indulge" a bit I noticed some of my symptoms returning... bloated stomach, pain, skin spots, etc... I was not happy and at first chalked it up to slight fudging on the wheat, although as I said, it wasn't much. Could I really be that sensitive? Then came a week of happily eating tortilla chips & salsa (my other favorite food, probably my most favorite) any time I had the hankering. I am a strange duck, at this point if I was going to indulge in anything it would be chips & salsa, not cookies and candy. At the end of this week, however, I had another "episode". Not quite as violent as the one that nearly sent me to the emergency room but one that was undeniably caused by eating something my stomach didn't like. My brain began to go over the weeks foods....chips, chips, chips...oh no. Could I be allergic to corn as well? Is this some kind of terrible joke? Corn AND wheat? Sure enough....

Today I spent another hour in my ND's office. I hadn't had a chance to get back to her since my revelation about corn. I confess to not being very careful with it lately either, hence the reason for my visit, acid reflux. If you read my blog you know it nearly took me out at the triathlon and I am ready to be done waking up feeling "gut rot", as I call it. We talked, she agreed that corn needed to be taken off the list as well. My instructions for the next six weeks are NO CORN, NO WHEAT of any kind...NONE. Not even the random cocoa puff or Dorito or popcorn (which was what I turned to instead of chips and salsa because it doesn't bother me as much). "We need to reset your whole system" she said, "maybe after you can try popcorn again but for now, no corn or corn products of any kind". By the way, do you know that they put corn syrup in just about everything?

It's going to be tough, Mexican restaurants are a thing of the past. This is the conclusion I've come to, is it really a "treat" to eat foods, however occasionally, that make you feel like garbage later? I mean literally like garbage, not just guilty. Do I really value myself, my health, less then I value bread, or chips, or chocolate syrup? The answer is no. Will I have to learn to bake differently, yes. Will I have to be more creative in eating out, eating in, just eating in general, yes. Is feeling good worth it, YES! I guess, as with all things in life, it's just a matter of perspective and I have decided to change mine. On an extra plus note, I may not be allergic to beef after all, just the corn they (stupidly) feed cows. So although there may not be tortilla chips and french bread in my future, I just might have an occasional (grass fed) side of beef and that will just have to be alright. :)