What I'm Listening To

I heard this song for the first time about a month ago, and it brought me to tears. Since then I have listened to it many, many times and it can still bring tears to my eyes. Maybe you are wondering why, maybe you're thinking "it's a beautiful song but why the tears...repeatedly?". The answer is simple, it speaks to my heart because I could have written it, word for word. It could be the theme song for most of my life. I have always, always, loved the Lord. I have always, always, believed His word is truth but I put Him inside a box. I made the box based on my views of myself, my idea of how other's saw me, and stuffed Him inside. When I first heard the song the line "those were only empty words on a page" didn't ring true with me at first, I thought "well, most of this song sounds about right, but I always believed His word was true". It wasn't until I'd listened to it a few times that it occurred to me that, despite always believing the bible and what God was able to do, I never believed He would do it for me, so doesn't that make the words empty? If I don't believe they have power for my life, isn't it the same thing? Invisibility and insignificance are two things I have struggled with my whole life, I even blogged about it once. Only in the last year have I learned that this view of myself as being unseen, unknown, not special caused me to limit my knowledge of who God truly is. I have experienced His presence many times over in my life, but I never really dove in so to speak, not like I could have, not like He wanted me to. Now that I see, now that I have tasted the real truth about God's heart for me... I cannot even describe it. I am left wanting more; to know more, to see more, to taste more, to feel more of the overwhelming, all consuming, never ending, never failing love of the Father. I want to experience more of His power manifested in my life, for His glory, for His kingdom, that my life would be used in an even greater capacity to show His love, His life changing grace and mercy to pour out into other's lives. Don't walk through life with a limited view of who He is, don't put Him in a box, give Him free reign, you won't be sorry, I promise. 
(I posted the lyrics below the video in case you don't have time to listen to the song, so this blog makes more sense...listen if you can though, it's beatiful:)



I made You promises a thousand times 
I tried to hear from Heaven 
But I talked the whole time 
I think I made You too small 
I never feared You at all No 
If You touched my face would I know You? 
Looked into my eyes could I behold You? 


What do I know of You 
Who spoke me into motion? 
Where have I even stood 
But the shore along Your ocean? 
Are You fire? Are You fury? 
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? 
What do I know? What do I know of Holy? 


I guess I thought that I had figured You out 
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about 
How You were might to save 
Those were only empty words on a page 
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be 
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees 

What do I know of You 
Who spoke me into motion? 
Where have I even stood 
But the shore along Your ocean? 
Are You fire? Are You fury? 
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? 
What do I know? What do I know of Holy? 

What do I know of Holy? 
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? 
And a God who gave life it's name? 
What do I know of Holy? 
Of the One who the angels praise? 
All creation knows Your name 
On earth and heaven above 
What do I know of this love? 

What do I know of You 
Who spoke me into motion? 
Where have I even stood 
But the shore along Your ocean? 
Are You fire? Are You fury? 
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? 
What do I know? What do I know of Holy? 
What do I know of Holy? 
What do I know of Holy?

My Earthly Treasures

I've had a really bad cause of the "I needs" lately. I need a camera,  I need a new car, I need some new home decor, I need a new coat, I need new clothes, it's rather embarrassing to admit actually. For as much as I tell my children to be thankful for what they have, I haven't remembered to "practice what I preach" much the past few months. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you can't ever want anything or you're bad if you do, just that sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the material things we think we "need". We forget that none of it really lasts; cars run down, cameras break, clothes tear, our tastes change, etc... I started thinking about the material things I really treasure here on earth, are any of them in the category of items I've listed above? No. Why are the things I treasure actually treasures? It's certainly not because they make me look good, make grocery shopping more convenient, or my house look like it belongs in a magazine. These things are treasured because they remind me of people I love, memories with family & friends; they remind me that I am loved, and teach me the truth about God, who I truly am and the world I live in. So I thought I would share a few of those items I truly treasure...

A flannel that belonged to my grandpa, the clothes my boys wore home from the hospital, the crazy shorts my grandmother wore to my wedding & lots of cards from my boys

The first picture Isaiah ever drew of me when he was 3 yrs old

TONS of photo albums full of my favorite photos. These are just the printed ones, I literally have thousands of digital ones saved on flash drives & cds.

Isaiah's "dinosaur with eggs, volcano & palm tree" picture he drew at 3.5

A ford truck that once held the flowers my dad brought me at the hospital when my oldest was born, a vase signed by many family & friends at my surprise 30th birthday party.

A picture Isaiah drew last summer that shows how his "A"s used to look like little spaceships

The bible my parents bought me right after I got married, to replace the one my puppy had torn up & the journal I use to keep track of all the things the Lord has shown me, spoken to me or words given me through others. 

There are other items; a blanket my grandmother made for me when I graduated college, a tea set my mom gave me, a picture my niece won first prize with, a scarf my dear friend made, the shoes I wore at my wedding, a lacy table cloth made for us when David & I got married with a hole in it from our old cat...most items I couldn't sell at a yard for much if anything, but to me they are priceless. I know that things of this earth will pass away, it's really not the item I am so attached to as the sentiment behind it. I love pulling them out and remembering lost family, old times, dear friends, they remind me of the things that really matter to me. I am so blessed. 

These handsome guys (one of my favorite pictures taken 2 yrs ago) are not material or mine to keep, they belong to the Father.  I have been blessed to have them for a time though & they truly are treasures.

Exodus..

     I am currently on a "read the bible" in a year plan. It surprised me when I realized I had never, in 26 years of being a christian, read the bible in it's entirety. I've read the new testament a few times, but never all of the old testament. Anyhoo, I am currently reading in Exodus, about the Israelites, their departure from slavery in Egypt and their journey to the promised land. In my reading I found myself, more than once I hate to admit, passing judgement on them. Reading their story I want to holler or shake them, "why can't you just see?", "Uhhh God just saved you from slavery, why are you whining?!, "what more obvious signs of God's presence do you need before you will trust him?"...those kinds of things. Similar to the way I shout at or question character's in a movie that are just.not.getting.it. I just couldn't understand their lack of vision or their easy forgetfulness. God delivered them from Egypt, showing many signs & wonders before they actually departed (Exodus 5- 11). After they left when Pharaoh changed his mind and went chasing after them, God parted a sea for them to cross on dry land (Ex 14 & 15). He sweetened bitter water (Ex 15:22-25), provided manna & quail (Ex 16), actually appeared to their leaders (Ex 24:9-11) and yet time and time again they complained, grumbled, failed to trust, even built an idol to replace God (Ex 32). When the time came to cross into the land God promised (Numbers 13 & 14) they failed to trust the Lord and ended up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. It seems so crazy from this side of things, the miracles, the signs, the never-ending faithfulness of God, even when they complained-how could they not trust him? I mean seriously people...
     While mulling this all over one day, subconsciously asking the Lord how it was possible for them to have lost faith over and over, the Lord spoke to my heart. I am thankful that, even when pointing out things in my life/heart that are not in tune to the heart of the Father, he is so gentle. There was no condemnation, simply a reminder of the times in my own life I have been just like the Israelites. I was saved at 5, I think, I can't remember the exact age it was so long ago. Some of you may think that means I couldn't really have made that kind of decision for Christ, I assure you that my heart was changed and touched by the God of the universe and my decision was real and permanent. Regardless of all that, the point is I have known God most of my life, I grew up in church, my parents are Christians. I have known people miraculously healed, seen lives totally changed, heard testimonies of God's incredible goodness many times over. In my own life I have felt his presence, had prayers answered, been reassured over and over again that God was with me & God was for me. Yet I found myself, not so many years ago slowly pushing back from all I knew about God. I stopped attending church regularly, stopped reading my bible, I began to make compromises in my life, in my heart. I allowed bitterness, anger, depression, fear, take root. It wasn't a speedy rebellion, it was a slow decent, giving in here and there until my heart was no longer recognizable to me. The Lord spoke to me often during that time, I still loved him, I've always loved him but I just didn't want to have to do anything, I wanted change but not really. I was comfortable in my slavery to those things, especially fear, anytime I made headway away from it I kept going back. Just like the Israelites would likely have done (they surely wanted to many times) had they not been so far from Egypt.
    Thankfully, I serve a persistent God who loves me, who wants more for me in this life than the life I was living. He was faithful to walk alongside me, occasionally nudging me, waiting, hoping, longing for the day when I would simply turn and say "yes Father". That's all it took, I reached a place of desperate longing, my wilderness had gotten the better of me, as it did to the Israelites after those long 40 years of wandering. When I did finally acknowledge my desperate need, was finally willing to truly trust in the Lord, He was there to bring me through my wilderness and into the land he had for me. There were giants in the way, enemies determined to keep me from reaching it, but just like he did for those wandering friends of mine, he gave me the ability to destroy them one by one. The view from this side is so much more glorious then I could have imagined. So, you see? I am not so different then those grumbling Israelites, not different at all and the God I serve is the same wonderfully faithful one they finally trusted to bring them into the land he promised...and I am so thankful.

Happy Birthday to My Best Friend

12.5 years (or so) ago I met this guy named David, he was my new bestie's friend and had come over to use her laundry or something because his bathroom at home was torn up. It was my freshman year of college, I was 19, he was 18, we were kids. It wasn't love at first sight, in fact, I was dating someone else at the time. It was 7 months later that we began to spend more time together, my relationship had ended several months before and neither of us (David & I, I mean) were looking to date anytime soon. It was when my bestie met her future husband and started spending so much time with him, sometimes forgetting about plans with us, that David and I got to talking more. One night, my bestie (Julia), myself, another friend and David all went to the drive-in. Sitting in the Blazer all together was the first time I was aware that I had been thinking about what a great guy David was and that I was almost holding my breath sitting there next to him. That night I was signed up to walk in the "Relay for Life" on campus from 1-2 in the morning. I didn't want to do it alone (ok I wouldn't have been alone, alone but I wanted someone to chat with). I offered for any of them to join me, secretly hoping only David would offer and he did. We walked and talked until 4 am that night and from that night, until the day I had to go home for the summer (roughly a month later) we spent every single day but one together. We talked and talked, went to spring events on campus, went to church together. Two weeks into our 30 day stint, he finally (well it felt like finally, summer was coming & I'd hoped he would ask before I left) asked if I would be his girlfriend, of course I said yes. The rest is pretty much history :). I went home that summer and we spent countless hours on the phone, it's how I feel in love with him, through talking. We were engaged after 10 months of dating, married by 13. I was a month shy of 21, he was 7 months shy of it.

The things that attracted me most to David back then were; his love of Jesus, his tender heart, his humor his laid-back demeanor, his passion for music, his integrity, the care he took in whatever he did..and more. Now 10 years after we got engaged (very nearly to the day!) he is 31. I still love him for all of those reasons and much more; for his incredible love for our children, his enduring love for me through some rough times, his complete adoption of my family, his love for our nieces & nephews plus countless cousin's kids, the way he gets down and plays pretend with our boys, the incredible sacrifice he made building us this beautiful home, his tender heart (I love his heart so I had to mention it again:), his generous nature....So, happy birthday to my best friend, my love, the father of my babies and my partner in life!

My mom took this picture while camping this summer & I just love it. You can't see just how handsome he is but what a great shot....sigh, I love him

Five Years Ago Today...

Five years ago today, you, my first baby boy were born. After a year of trying, 9 months of growing & 36 hours of labor I was beyond overjoyed to hold you in my arms. You were blue when you arrived but quickly gained color and peed all over me. I didn't mind, I was so happy to finally see your face, and a beautiful face it was. Daddy & I welcomed you into the world with big exhausted smiles.

Four years ago today, we celebrated your very first birthday with many family members, including a dozen cousins there with us. You loved all the excitement but weren't too sure about the cake, although you did love the frosting. By one year you were walking, spoke many words and it was already obvious you were going to have LOTS of energy. You were (& still are:) SUCH a blessing.

Three years ago today, we celebrated birthday #2, a party you shared with your good buddy Abby. By now you were running, leaping, jumping and had a very large vocabulary, especially for a boy your age. You loved to do puzzles, loved to play with animals and love the Wiggles. You were only months away from becoming a big brother, but of course you didn't really know it. 

Two years ago today, we had your 3rd birthday, nearly all traces of toddler were gone and you were 100% all boy. You still loved puzzles, but had dropped the Wiggles in favor of the Backyardigans & Diego. You loved any toy that prompted your imagination, and what an imagination you already had!! We took you swimming and then back to Granny & Papas for cake, you loved it. It never takes much to make you happy and excited, you are see so much joy in life!

One year ago today, you had your 4th birthday. We were knee deep in finishing our new home so this birthday was pretty low key, although you didn't mind. We did spend the day at Boucin Bears with many of your friends and later just had cake at home, with presents of course. Such a big boy you already were, with such a sweet spirit and loving nature. 

And now you are five, this year we had a big party at Happy Hoppers, many of your closest buddies came to celebrate with you. It was a really great day, for all of us. You told me many times that it was the "best birthday you'd ever had", although I am pretty sure you've said that every year :).

I cannot believe how quickly the years have gone by, Isaiah, and how much my love for you grows as I watch you grow. You may be a little dramatic at times and VERY energetic, which can be exhausting but I wouldn't trade an ounce of your personality for a thing. You have the sweetest, most loving, tender, compassionate spirit and we love you more than words can say. We are so proud of you, the boy you are, the man you'll be. Every day we pray for you, and your brother, that God will pour himself into you, even now. I have already witnessed a love for Jesus in your little heart, you pray on your own and with mommy, you have faith that will move mountains one day, I know it. Happy Birthday to my sweet Z, I love you to the moon and back. 

GOD-Reality

"What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, not to be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know God & how He works. Steep yourself everyday in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself."

~Luke 12:29-32, The Message

Sometimes reading something over and over opens your eyes to new things, sometimes reading a different translation of something does the same. That's what happened to me this afternoon, I was reading in my Message bible from Luke and these verses jumped out at me like they were written in neon flashing ink. I am learning, through study, prayer, conversations with friends who are willing to "say it straight", counseling, quiet evaluation and self-reflection that I have spent most of my life steeped in a "Neener-reality". My view of God was so wrapped up in my view of myself; I felt invisible so surely God didn't see me, I felt ungifted so surely God didn't give me any gifts, I felt judged so surely He judged me, I was afraid so surely God wasn't my provider/protector...you see where I'm going with this. It never occurred to me that perhaps my perception was what wrong, not the Bible, teachers, my parents or anyone else who tried to give me a glimpse of who God is. So much of our lives are shaped by what we feel at any given moment; how people make us feel, how we feel about ourselves...I wonder why it is so hard to dig deep, immersing ourselves in His word to learn how he feels about us. This is what I have strived to do in recent months, lay aside my own notions of who I am and therefore who God is and seek to find the answers he has for me. I needed to stop focusing on all the things I wanted and felt I wasn't getting, not just from God, but from my husband, family, friends, church, etc... and start focusing on what God has given me. I have been blessed beyond measure, found joy unspeakable and a fountain of peace waiting for me, all I had to do was trust and believe.

This is one verse I love to read to remind myself of how much God delights in me (& you)...

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Savior! He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love he will calm your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!" Zephaniah 3:17 NIV (emphasis mine)

In sickness & in health

The past week and a half has been rough around here. We've had sickness befall one of us, one right after the other, one way or the other every day since January 21st (yes I've kept track:). It has been exhausting, emotional and lets face it, just plain gross at times. Something that I've realized, or re-realized, or newly appreciated in the past two weeks is my husband's willingness to help out with anything traditionally considered "my job". When Josh threw up all over, he took the carpet, I took the kiddo. When Isaiah needed popsicles and ibuprofen, he stopped at the store after a long physical day at work. When I got sick he made the drive all the way to Palmer (about an hour from where he's been working, then 45 mins back to our place) to get some more medicine for me, stopped and bought me chicken AND stopped to check the mail so we could have some new movies to keep us entertained the next day. He then came home, sent my feverish fanny to bed, took care of the kids and folded the laundry that had been sitting in the hamper since I first fell ill. There were moments where I could tell he didn't really feel up to doing these things, and yet he did. How did I get so lucky?

I confess when he came home from work feeling sick yesterday, after just sending my kids off so I could rest, I was a little disappointed. In part because I know how much he hates to miss work, and selfishly in part because I didn't want to have to take care of someone else when I had finally had time for myself. It passed quickly when I saw him and I immediately jumped in to take care of him, just as he had done for me. I realized that, in those few moments he had grumbled a bit about running the extra errands, it really had nothing to do with not wanting to help me, but just being tired. Honestly, before the tables had turned, I had taken a slight offense to it. Now I know it was nothing more then his (and later mine) mere humanity peeking out a bit. He was tired, I was tired, but still we labored for each other out of love.

Marriage isn't easy, not a single day has ever been the fairy tale ending I had imagined in my glowing eyes prior to making my vows. As a 10 year veteran of marriage I can now add some more to my vows; in exhaustion & rest, in stressful times & peace, with kids & without, in those days when you annoy me by breathing & days when you can do no wrong, in days we feel connected & days you feel like a stranger, in laughter & tears, in fishing season & out.... We've had our good days & bad, our richer & poorer, and (obviously) our sickness & in health. It all intertwines together to make up our life as man and wife, the good, the bad and the 3 am feedings. It's work, but it's the kind of work that has rewards beyond measure. Last night as I watched him labor under a fever of nearly 103, praying it wouldn't go any higher, momentarily wondering what I would ever do without him, I knew that every moment of our life was worth it. Even the really hard ones, because he's mine and I am his, we belong together. God made it so and I am ever so thankful....

David & I on our wedding day

Mrs. Petty Crocker

Tonight I slow roasted my first whole chicken from scratch. Some of you may be surprised at the word "first", others at the phrase "from scratch" (or perhaps the entire first sentence left your mouth agape), depending on how long you have known me :). It's true, using a recipe I found on allrecipes.com, I cleaned, prepped and roasted an entire four pound chicken. I even took some liberty with the recipe using real onions, extra chicken stock and adding potatoes. I even intend to keep the bones to make my own chicken stock for soup, oh yeah I said my own stock.Seriously, this whole "ridiculous food allergies" has really forced me to expand my culinary pursuits, my former methods shot down when I could no longer use pre-mixes or boxed foods (you really don't want to know how much unnecessary stuff they put in those things...unless you want to start cooking like I have to:). The other day I made fried rice with some left-over basmati rice. Again, I took some liberty by using chicken thighs, omitting ginger (cause I didn't have any) and using sesame oil, because I didn't have peanut and corn/soy oil were out. It too was wonderful!

I am not blogging to brag about my culinary skills but to marvel at how much better it is to accept things as they are and run with it as best you can. Do I wish I wasn't allergic to corn, wheat and soy, absolutely! I am, however, becoming more certain with each passing day (& passing up of foods I used to love) that if I ever do somehow manage to eliminate my allergies I will gain 100 pounds! Ok, maybe not 100. The truth is being forced to read labels has also forced me to pay attention to what I am putting in my body and boy is there a whole lot of junk out there. I doubt that I would go back to eating many of the foods I used to enjoy (except bread and M&Ms :) simply because now I really know what's in them. Following the discovery of my allergies and my initial "woe is me" period, followed with a few" what the heck am I going to eat?!?" months, I finally decided to "put on my big girl panties" and make the best of it. It has forced me to really cook, search for recipes, experiment with baking and I find I enjoy it. Even cooler, I am not so bad at it and it's always good to find something you're good at. I am really kinda (I said kinda, I really miss M&Ms and bread:) thankful for my allergies for these reasons.

So the next time life gives you lemons, maybe you could make yourself a yummy lemon scone or lemon cookies (cause lets face it, those are better than lemonade). Making the best of whatever your situation is will really help you to find joy in the meantime. I know that sounds very cliche', but speaking from experience (& a tummy full of roasted chicken) it really does work.

***NOTE*** for those wondering what the heck the title of this blog means, my husband used to love baking when we were first dating & his roommates called him "Petty Crocker", I adopted the name Mrs. Petty Crocker for myself in lieu of all my recent culinary achievements

2010

I can't believe another year, another decade has already come & gone! How insanely quickly the time flies. 2010 was a year of ups & downs for us, but the laughter shared & lessons learned cannot be regretted. I learned SO much about myself & my Jesus this year, even through some hard times, scratch that, especially through some hard times. I am thankful for every moment. Here, in pictures and a few words (:-), is a recap of some of those moments....

January

Not a lot went on in January, but I thought I would share this great pic I managed to catch of the moon in full over our mountains.

February

This time of year in Alaska is always pretty low-key but I still had a great night on the town with some girlfriends. We had dinner, caught a musical and stayed overnight in a hotel. It was a great, relaxing time away from our "mommy lives"

March

Isaiah celebrated his fourth birthday, apparently in great need of a haircut. It's crazy how quickly they grow!

April

Easter! At least I think Easter was in April this year. How sad that I can't remember exactly. Oh well! Josh got to dye his first Easter eggs this year, you can see from his facial expression he thought it was fun!

May

We FINALLY moved into our new house!! After nearly two years of living in a shop this kitchen was (is) SO wonderful.

The weekend after moving in I completed my first triathlon, along with my friends Kenya & Paige.

Our little Josh celebrated his 2nd birthday! We had to postpone the celebration until the day after the triathlon because we were moving on his birthday, I don't think he noticed ;-)

To close out our busy month we made a family trip to Seward for Memorial Day, it was a good trip!

June

June hosted our annual girls camping trip where we returned to Homer, Alaska. After some bad weather we moved a bit further north to Anchor Point, it was a cold trip this year but we still had fun!

July

I had surgery to remove an obnoxious gallbladder. My bestie Karey already had tickets to come visit & it turned out she would arrive the day of my surgery. It was SO wonderful to have her to hang out with & help me while I recovered, even if my side hurt from laughing too much.

David & I took the boys fishing for the first time. They both got too hot & wanted to strip down to their birthday suits, it was the first time I'd ever seen nude fishing! They both caught their first fish & were hooked (no pun intended:)

We also made another trip to Homer, David joined us this time. A very close childhood friend & her kids were up visiting, it was a great time despite the bad weather. The neatest part was watching our kids play together!

August

David & I celebrated 10 years since this picture was taken. We look like a couple of kids!

September

We got a visit from David's mom & made a trip to the Fair, it was fun!

October

Our really great friends the Pattees came to visit! We got to have them for 10 whole days! It was wonderful...& not enough time together :)

November

Thanksgiving day! All my parent's grandchildren were together for the first time in awhile. 8 total with another one on the way (not mine:)!

December

CHRISTMAS!! Of course the boys loved Christmas & this year we were lucky to have Grandma Becky, Papa John & Uncle JJ visiting!

New Years Eve...eve, we spent the afternoon sledding, it was a blast! We rang in the New Year a few days later playing cards & laughing together.

Goodbye 2010, you were a pretty good year. Looking forward to what 2011 holds!! Happy New Year!

"May the Lord bless you and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace"
~Numbers 6:24-26

My Merry Christmas

I believe in the Creator of the universe. I believe He made all things, from the giant blue whales to the smallest microbes living in our bellies to help us process food. I believe that He loves us, every one of us, more than we could ever know. I believe He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to give His life to bridge the gap between us and God, so that one day we can spend eternity with Him. I believe that Christmas is a day set aside to celebrate the beginning of true hope, the day that Christ, the Son of God, came to earth to be born as a child of man. I believe that Christmas represents the greatest love one can have for another, true hope, promise fulfilled & blessings. That is why when I wish you a Merry Christmas it is not meant to insult you or undermine your personal belief system. It is a greeting meant to express to you the hope that all the beautiful things I believe are represented in this holiday can be made evident in your life; love, hope, promise & blessing. That is why I wish you all a very Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

The heart of it...

This is a topic close to my heart, something I have been thinking about often lately- Offense. What do I mean by that? I mean the ease with which we can take offense with one another, how quickly it seems we can jump to conclusions about what someone may or may not have meant by something they said or did. I suppose it's human nature to be guarded, always on the offensive, trying to protect ourselves from hurt. I have to wonder though, is it the best way to view the world? I am not pointing the finger here, believe me I have had my share of offenses, real or imagined- often imagined (I'll explain these below:), so I am speaking from experience. What I wonder is how much better we would all be if we, rather than expecting the worst, expect the best of people? Maybe instead of assuming the person meant to hurt us with what he/she said, we decided to look past the words to what we know to be true about that person? Let's be honest, the people we tend to be hurt by the most are those closest to us, people we know & love. So why is it so hard to look past what may have been blurted out without thinking (or even said on purpose but without a clue that it may be hurtful to us) to the heart of the person. Before jumping to the conclusion that person "thinks your a bad mom/wife/friend/daughter" or that you watch too much tv, or eat too much, whatever the comment is- maybe if we stop and think about who said it, "are they a vindictive person?", "do they ever seem to say things with the intent to hurt" or just looking at where they may be coming from & give them some grace, perhaps the offense will never come. I think if we did stop for a minute to look at what we know about the offender, maybe we find that there was never any intent to hurt there.

I know there are times where people say things that hurt us, maybe even times they mean too, I don't know each person's story. I know there have been times where someone has deliberately torn me down.... but then what? Once the offense is there, what do we do? I am learning, through the course of my own experiences, holding on to that hurt/offense doesn't seem to benefit anyone. Sure I can feel my indignation is deserved but where do I go from there? I mean, I could talk to people about it (something I have done before, I confess), try to find someone to see it from my point of you, validate my feelings...then what? Most likely all I've really accomplished is to cause someone else to "take up my offense", gaining an ally in my righteous (because I'm right in being mad...aren't I?) anger, which makes me feel good- temporarily. The person who offended you, most often, doesn't benefit or lose out in these scenarios. In most cases whomever I was upset with was clueless to how I was feeling (not because they were stupid but either (a) they honestly didn't mean to hurt me or (b) rarely, they didn't care). Again, I am speaking from my heart, from my own experiences. I have not always taken my own advice, in fact much of the depression I suffered the past few years was a direct result from ignoring my own instincts and letting my hurts move to anger, un-forgiveness & bitterness. Some of the wounds I carried were real (I mean the person was careless & hurt me, intended or not, what they said/did was thoughtless), many were not (an "imagined" offense I call them, I took up offense because of my own issues, my distorted filter, there was nothing wrong with what they said or did) either way the end result is the same- if you do not deal with offenses as they come (maybe eliminating them before they are an offense, as I mentioned above) they fester, they get stinky and eventually take over.

My heart was full of old wounds, new wounds, real wounds, imagined wounds- I had never really dealt with any of them. Without my even being aware those wounds began to rot in there, seeping into the other areas of my heart and, before I knew it, altering my personality. I became a negative person, more easily offended, a gossip, quicker to anger, slower to trust...all traits that are not mine, not even a little. Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but it's all true. The bible says "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt 13:34b), my heart was pretty full of negative feelings and emotions, eventually they made their way out. When I realized (early this summer) what my heart really looked like I was left with two choices- forgive or continue on, stacking up my pile of wrongs until I was to completely crumple beneath them, I already almost had. I chose to forgive, it wasn't always easy, as I said some of the offenses were real and those are the hardest ones to let go of. I imagine this is because those are the ones we feel the most entitled to keep, "justified" in our hurt. I was tired of living life that way, I was ready to let go and once I did...oh man. It was like pealing away layer after layer of clothing that was caked in dirt, crippling my movements. Each time I took the time to evaluate my feelings toward someone, my hurts from them, recognize they're human (none of us are perfect), forgive them and ask for forgiveness for the choices I made after they hurt me (sins I committed as a result), I felt a little less bogged down and a little more like me again.

I am not finished, I still have old wounds and I am working at weeding them out, with the help of Jesus (because without Him, I often can't see the issue, let alone deal with it). I want to be free from the baggage I've carried around, unknowingly, for many years. Free to dance for joy, free to see the truth of who I am, to see people for who they are, rather then through my distorted filter, free to be ME, unhindered. My hope is that I won't take up anymore offenses, this doesn't mean I won't ever be offended (I am human), but I don't to leave my feelings unresolved, to forgive and not allow myself to stumble because of it. I want to break free from the chains I've allowed to hold me down, and spread my wings and fly :).