No corn, no wheat, no kidding?

I have acid reflux, you've heard me mention it once or twice. It can be pretty bothersome, until about 8 months ago I thought it was something I simply had to live with, period. Then sometime in October I went to see a ND (naturalist doctor?), she told me that acid reflux was most commonly caused by eating something you are allergic too. I did have some questions about food allergies, it was part of the reason for my visit. I had begun to notice some unpleasant stomach issues after eating a few servings of beef a week and was suspected *maybe* I had an allergy to it. I was not happy to admit it, I lived in denial for several months, I mean I love steak- love it, and depriving myself of it indefinitely did not sound appealing. Finally after some stomach pain (second in intensity to childbirth) that nearly sent me to the hospital, I conceded.

She agreed that I likely had a beef allergy and needed to cut it from my diet, following it with words I had been afraid to hear- "You should cut out gluten for now too, you may not be allergic but I suspect that you are". In my head I screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE BREAD?!?". Of course my mouth simply said "are you sure, if you think I should I will really try" (this is one of those times I am thankful for mental filters:). So I went home and began the long slow process of reprogramming my brain that bread is not wonderfully delicious but full of an evil product that wants to gum up my digestive system and bloat me like a cow that's been dead on the prairie for five days (yes, I am dramatic:). It was tough but I did it, in fact I started eating really great in general and was feeling good. The weird skin spots (I forgot to ask her about, my brain somedays...) began to clear up and my stomach did not resemble that of a 5 month pregnant woman's daily. I even began to experiment with different flours, finding decent cookie and muffin recipes. The thought of life without gluten being a dark abyss faded and I realized, "huh, I really can live without bread, who knew?".

Then came the holidays...oh boy. I can honestly say I did pretty good on the "no beef/no gluten", but as far as eating healthy in general, not so much. Seriously, who eats healthy over the holidays anyway? As I began to "indulge" a bit I noticed some of my symptoms returning... bloated stomach, pain, skin spots, etc... I was not happy and at first chalked it up to slight fudging on the wheat, although as I said, it wasn't much. Could I really be that sensitive? Then came a week of happily eating tortilla chips & salsa (my other favorite food, probably my most favorite) any time I had the hankering. I am a strange duck, at this point if I was going to indulge in anything it would be chips & salsa, not cookies and candy. At the end of this week, however, I had another "episode". Not quite as violent as the one that nearly sent me to the emergency room but one that was undeniably caused by eating something my stomach didn't like. My brain began to go over the weeks foods....chips, chips, chips...oh no. Could I be allergic to corn as well? Is this some kind of terrible joke? Corn AND wheat? Sure enough....

Today I spent another hour in my ND's office. I hadn't had a chance to get back to her since my revelation about corn. I confess to not being very careful with it lately either, hence the reason for my visit, acid reflux. If you read my blog you know it nearly took me out at the triathlon and I am ready to be done waking up feeling "gut rot", as I call it. We talked, she agreed that corn needed to be taken off the list as well. My instructions for the next six weeks are NO CORN, NO WHEAT of any kind...NONE. Not even the random cocoa puff or Dorito or popcorn (which was what I turned to instead of chips and salsa because it doesn't bother me as much). "We need to reset your whole system" she said, "maybe after you can try popcorn again but for now, no corn or corn products of any kind". By the way, do you know that they put corn syrup in just about everything?

It's going to be tough, Mexican restaurants are a thing of the past. This is the conclusion I've come to, is it really a "treat" to eat foods, however occasionally, that make you feel like garbage later? I mean literally like garbage, not just guilty. Do I really value myself, my health, less then I value bread, or chips, or chocolate syrup? The answer is no. Will I have to learn to bake differently, yes. Will I have to be more creative in eating out, eating in, just eating in general, yes. Is feeling good worth it, YES! I guess, as with all things in life, it's just a matter of perspective and I have decided to change mine. On an extra plus note, I may not be allergic to beef after all, just the corn they (stupidly) feed cows. So although there may not be tortilla chips and french bread in my future, I just might have an occasional (grass fed) side of beef and that will just have to be alright. :)

Anatomy of a (beginners) 1st Triathlon...

Before I start, let me say these two things:

1) There is no doubt that without my Jesus I would not have been able to overcome my own head & finish this triathlon. The why's & what fors I will talk about in a minute but I wanted to make it clear that God gave me the strength to get this thing done.

2) There may be moments in this blog where I sound disappointed in myself. I want to make it clear that I am not, somethings I would have liked to be different but I am very proud of my accomplishment!

There, that being said, lets talk tri :).

Honestly, never in my life had I thought I would do something like this and as the hour ticked closer I began to question my sanity in attempting it. Barely over a year ago (15 months to be exact) I could barely finish one 12 min mile on the treadmill, what was I thinking in doing a triathlon?!? My girlfriends (Kenya & Paige), who were crazy enough to do it too, and I had a great night the night before. We set up our bikes, sharing many laughs together, then had dinner at the Brewhouse- being sure to have dessert (we needed carbs after all:). It was a nice relaxing pre-race evening. I honestly did not feel nervous when I attempted to go to sleep that night, maybe it wasn't nerves, maybe I had caffeine too late- whatever the reason I did not sleep well. I think I maybe eeked out 5 hours, so when morning came I was a bit tired and we were nowhere near starting. There were so many people who entered the race, that our start times were not until afternoon. Kenya, Paige & I decided at about 11 that the waiting at home was not helping so we headed into town. Passing the runners on the bike path a long the highway set my nerves into high gear and a new flood of "what the heck do you think you are doing" thoughts my way.

My heat was supposed to start in the pool at 1:30, I had eaten at noon (a small lunch thanks to some nasty gluten free bread) anticipating being in the water no later then 2:30. You see, I am one of those people who has to eat every three hours or so, nothing big but something, so I had planned my lunch around this fact. Unfortunately I did not get in the water until 3 and my stomach had already began to rumble. I ignored it, of course, and began my swim. Let me stop for a minute and mention that I am not a strong swimmer. My hope was to finish the 500m in 14.5 minutes, but I swam my heart out and felt like I was cruising a long faster than normal. At about lap 7, as I turned my head to breathe, the girl swimming next to me splashed a huge amount of water- right into my gaping mouth. I swallowed hard, made it to the end coughing and spluttering, hoarked a minute then continued my laps. After another lap I could feel my stomach starting to object to the massive amount of chlorine water I just dumped into it. I have acid reflux, which has been flaring up pretty bad lately, chlorine on an empty stomach was doing me no good. At the end of lap 9 it happened, what I think is an esophageal spasm but haven't seen my ND about it...yet. For those who have never suffered from GERD, it may sound like a silly thing to slow you down. I can tell you it is a frightening experience, what it feels like is that my heart has leapt into my throat, pounding wildly (duh I'm exercising:), it is hard to swallow and does not feel pleasant, not one bit. I had to stop, I had to hug the side of the pool, willing this feeling to pass all the while trying to prevent my over reacting (& prone to hypochondria) brain from kicking into panic mode. I did manage to avoid the panic attack but the sensation was replaced with crushing disappointment, the longer I held on waiting for it to pass the more tears began to fall. After what felt like eternity (in actuality was around 3 mins) the spasm dissipated enough for me to swim my last lap...slowly.

Climbing out of the pool was rough. I was still shaky from my episode and by now I was feeling the effects of not having eaten soon enough. I was slow getting out of the pool building, stopping to collect myself & say a quick prayer before moving on. My transition between swimming and biking was slow, very slow. I did manage to get it all done, eating a gluten free bar as I tried to quickly dress. I walked my bike out and climbed on, pedaling slowly at first. I will tell you this, my mind at this point wanted to quit. I was discouraged, frustrated, slightly freaked out (because only until today while researching the web did I discover that I think is the cause, it honestly feels like your heart is about to explode, although I know it wasn't) and a bit weak. The first 6 miles of the biking was something close to torture, I wanted to be done, I entertained feelings of complete lunacy for even being out there. I began to pray, knowing that a big part of me wanted to quit but another part of me knew that I couldn't. So I did the best thing, had a little conversation with my Creator. I am sure that the other bikers thought I was crazy talking to myself (although without music I am certain I was not the only one:) but as I began to pray I began to feel better. My food & drink (Recharge, an all natural gatorade type drink- awesome stuff) kicked in and my legs pedaled faster and faster. By mile seven I had found my groove and was starting to enjoy myself for the first time since lap 9. There were a lot more hills than I anticipated from the GNT's "fairly flat" description, but I tried to relish them. Pedaling slower up and then zooming down. At one point I was going to fast I had to laugh, you know that feeling where you swear you are about to take flight. I had finally reached my first goal of doing the triathlon- to have fun.

I made it back into the transition area in about 2 mins over an hour, my goal had been to be

under an hour and given my state of mind when I started (and the hills I didn't foresee) I was pretty happy with this time. I hopped off my bike to discover my legs had been taken over be

octopus tentacles and didn't have much feeling left in them at all. It was almost humorous :). I dropped my bike, ditched the jacket, took another swig of Recharge, grabbed my extra long sleeve shirt to use as a tissue and "took off" on the final leg of my journey. I use that term loosely because there was nothing ultra fast about what I was doing at the moment :). Slowly I began to pick up speed, making sure to encourage all the ladies I saw along the way. Again- my ultimate goal was to enjoy the challenge and I was obnoxiously doing so. I should mention here that I am not a speedy runner whether I've just biked 13 miles or not. I had been hoping for a 12 min mile pace, I started out slower, ended up faster. My last 1.1 mile I did in 11 mins, sprinting across the finish line in a final burst of speed. I was elated! I cannot even describe the emotion,seeing my husband and sons there too was the icing on the cake. Isaiah ran up to me and hugged me, saying something about taking a really long time to finish my race (they had been there way early because I thought I would start earlier:). My husband beamed with pride, my girlfriends were there cheering me on. It is a feeling like nothing else, second only to my feelings of super woman after giving birth to my boys. It was something to be proud of and I was very proud.

Kenya, Me & Paige after we had all finished

I would like to take a minute to thank every last one of you who supported me throughout this whole thing. I had so many well wishes and words of encouragement from all of you and believe me, your confidence in me made a difference. I also want to thank Paige for inspiring me to "do the impossible" which is exactly what I thought this whole thing would be when she mentioned it. She and Kenya both being there made it more fun and a much more meaningful experience. Thanks to my hubby (who will likely never read this lol) for all the support, spending the time trying to fix up my bike and encouraging me with phrases like "oh you're way more athletic than I am anymore" or "dang your butt is almost gone now!" :). Ultimately, I want to give the glory where it is most due, to God. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt without Him doing it all right alongside I would have lost my battle with myself. He really cares about our hearts desires, even if that desire is an attempt to run it right out of your chest :).

My family- still my greatest achievement

The Results:

Swim: 16 min 54 secs- when I saw this I was floored & horribly disappointed again. It meant I really was swimming faster, it wasn't just in my head. My average 500m swim before this point was 14.5 mins. I know that I held on to that wall for a solid 3 mins (I had a watch) and swam my last lap slowly. Had this incident not occurred I am 100% positive I would have finished my swim in about 13.5 mins. Not fast for a lot of folks but a whole minute faster than normal for me and considering when I started training I couldn't even swim with my face in the water- I would take it :) It was hard to swallow that this morning (no pun intended) but I have faced facts, it is what it is.

T1: 11 min 29- EEKS! I knew it was bad, but again seeing that number brought back the tears. I sat for a minute, I walked, I did nothing quickly so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised but I was a bit.

Bike: 1 hr 2 mins- here I was pretty happy. I know I could have been a smidgen faster had "the incident" not happened but even with it I was only 2 mins slower then what I had hoped for and there were many more hills then I had planned for.

T2: 2:53- much better! Could have been even better if I had pushed past the almost tickling sensation of my legs but for my first tri, I'll take it.

Run: 37:58- honestly I was shocked by this number. I truly thought I had finished in 36 mins, guess without being able to feel my legs I wasn't exactly sure how fast they were moving lol. I know that my last 1.1 was pretty great for me so my consolation is that I pushed it in the end. Next time I will do better, not because I am so competitive (because I am not) but because I know I could have done better. I wasn't overly winded when I finished so I am certain I could have given a bit more, again oh well- live and learn :).

Total time: 2 hrs 11 mins, really only 11 mins over what I had hoped for and given what happened I am happy with it. Do I think, what would it have been without the spasm? Absolutely! With all the time I lost in the pool & first transition I am confident I would have made it under the 2 hour mark, barely. Maybe without that I would have been even faster because I wouldn't have fallen apart, maybe...I am not going to let myself taint my achievement with "what ifs". In some ways I am even more proud for having overcome my own head to finish then I would have been for coming in under 2 hours. Fear and anxiety are issues for me, have been my whole life- so there is something to be said for pushing myself in more way than one that day. Either way, I am proud :). Being athletic is not something I have ever been, those of you who've known me long may have even choked a little when you heard I was doing a triathlon :). It's ok, I choked a little too.

As for my first experience, it wasn't perfect but I can learn from what happened, do things different next time, train differently, remember the things that would have made transition faster, hopefully have music to pump up my run :)...I have a month to make some changes because on June 12 I am doing it again. The next one will be a 400m swim, 8.5 mile bike & another 5K run. I am excited to "tri" again and see what happens. Until then....

Super Mom- the mom, the myth, the legend...the farce

Super mom- we all think we know one. I'm sure when I say that phrase you immediately picture her in your mind. She's the one who always seems to have it together. Her kids are always perfectly dressed, they always behave, she always looks great, her house is spotless, her meals are always home cooked, etc... She may be a working mom, or a stay at homer, whichever it is, she always seems to be on her "A" game, always. We look at her and feel guilty about our own lumpy ponytails, the holes in our kid's jeans, the pizza we just popped in the oven. This guilt we feel in her presence is not her fault, it is a result of that word we all struggle with- comparison. We see what she does and think, "there is no way I could do all that, I just couldn't. She's amazing, I'm so drab".... You all have been there I am sure, at some point.

Well, let me do a little myth busting for you. Super mom? She doesn't exist, period. I bet if you asked the "Super mom" in your life how she gets it all done in a day she would breathlessly assure you that she doesn't. The truth is, no one can do it all, something's gotta give. If you are an incredible cook, likely your house does not always look like the cover of a magazine. If you are a great housekeeper, your kids probably eat boxed food a bit more often. If you are a helpful mom, always involved with homework, volunteering, playing games, practicing sports with your kid; chances are maybe both your house and your dinner table suffer a little. As mom's we delude ourselves into thinking that we have to be able to be able to do it all, ALL the time, and look good doing it. I am here to tell you it is simply not possible. I don't know where the idea of super mom first originated (June Cleaver, Mrs. Cosby, at least Mrs. Brady had Alice:) but the idea of her is so ingrained in many mom's heads that we set the bar so high we can only fail. Even if, by some chance, you are able to keep your house spotless, your dinner always fresh/healthy, your kids clean and always in line, your husband happy, all of this while looking like Brooke Shields, something will break. That break will be you, because if you can manage to do all of that all the time- YOU will suffer. It is important to take some time for yourself, daily if you can manage it, and there simply aren't enough hours in the day. Even Wonder Woman, who had actual super powers, had to have an "alternate identity" to escape.

So today, I am kicking super mom to the curb. She can take a hike, I am tired of her being in my head making me feel guilty about what I don't get done in a day, rather than focusing on what I do do (teehee, just for you Paige:). Those of you who try to live up to the expectations in your head, at least the ones that are unrealistic, give them up. I am 100% certain that you are an awesome mom, wife, woman, don't set yourself up for failure by striving for the impossible. Take each day in stride, do what you can but always take the time to love on your kids, snuggle your hubby, read your book; even if that means dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper. These are the things that make our lives special, the things that matter. The measure of our lives will not be tallied in wash loads and home cooked meals, I assure you. For any of you who may be a self proclaimed (even if it's in your own head:) "Super mom"- give yourself a break, take a minute to breathe, it's ok to do it. All of us have our areas of strength, our areas of weakness, every woman is different. Lets put that "C" word away, embrace ourselves and each other for who we are, not who we think we should be. Ultimately, I think we will find a little bit of super mom in all of us.

Not lazy, just needing "proper motivation"...

The last 6 months or so living in the shop have been tough. Since Joshua hit 18 months I have had two little kiddos getting into, getting things out, spilling, crushing (as in goldfish/crackers, Josh's favorite thing), essentially wreaking havoc, on my house. Our current living situation severely lacks any place to "put things away" and as a result nothing is safe, or ever really totally cleaned up. I am a SAHM, so my two major "jobs" are to keep my kids happy/healthy and to keep my house (and all that implies; laundry, dishes, dinner, etc..). Lately the second half of that equation has been lacking, to be honest I have just gotten tired of the never ending list of things that could be done. Some of you may say this is the life of a SAHM (or any mom) but I have lived in "regular" houses (with a kid) and it was never like this. At the very least things would stay clean (mostly anyway) for more than one hour, here, not so much. This struggle has led me to believe that perhaps I am lazy, that I am just not good at what I do. It has been hard on my self esteem in a lot of ways, maybe that sounds silly but if I am no good at 1/2 of my "job" it's easy to deceive yourself into thinking you aren't good at any of your "jobs".

The house nearing completion has opened my eyes to the lie I have been telling myself. I have worked day in and day out preparing for this move. I have done laundry, packed boxes, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Today, aside from an hour of down time while Josh naps, I have been moving since waking up. In the last two days I have filled my truck full of construction debris & been to the dump twice. The outside of my house is now nearly free of the junk that had been thrown out over the winter and then buried by snow. Somehow I have even managed to take a few minutes for myself, plenty of time for my kids & made dinner! Turns out I am not lazy, I've just been lacking proper motivation when it comes to house work. I know that laundry, dishes, mopping, vacuuming, etc... will never go away. I am sure I will have times in the future when I wane in my cleaning/upkeep but I have a feeling most of those times will be because there were better things for me to do (you know, like playing with my kids, snuggling with my husband, laughing with friends & family), rather than because I simply exhausted of the crazy pattern.

I guess I share this to say that sometimes it is easy to deceive ourselves into believing we are less then what we truly are. Sometimes we get frustrated and down, forgetting that it's just a passing phase of life, not a definition of who we are. Everyone has moments, everyone slacks from time to time. Learn to recognize these moments, take them for what they are and move past them. Don't beat yourself up over it all, housework certainly will not go anywhere. The harder I was on myself, the less motivated I became. The truth is I do a pretty good job, maybe my house will never be on the cover of Good Housekeeping heading an article about spotless living, but that's ok. There are many more important things in life anyway...