GOD-Reality

"What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, not to be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know God & how He works. Steep yourself everyday in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself."

~Luke 12:29-32, The Message

Sometimes reading something over and over opens your eyes to new things, sometimes reading a different translation of something does the same. That's what happened to me this afternoon, I was reading in my Message bible from Luke and these verses jumped out at me like they were written in neon flashing ink. I am learning, through study, prayer, conversations with friends who are willing to "say it straight", counseling, quiet evaluation and self-reflection that I have spent most of my life steeped in a "Neener-reality". My view of God was so wrapped up in my view of myself; I felt invisible so surely God didn't see me, I felt ungifted so surely God didn't give me any gifts, I felt judged so surely He judged me, I was afraid so surely God wasn't my provider/protector...you see where I'm going with this. It never occurred to me that perhaps my perception was what wrong, not the Bible, teachers, my parents or anyone else who tried to give me a glimpse of who God is. So much of our lives are shaped by what we feel at any given moment; how people make us feel, how we feel about ourselves...I wonder why it is so hard to dig deep, immersing ourselves in His word to learn how he feels about us. This is what I have strived to do in recent months, lay aside my own notions of who I am and therefore who God is and seek to find the answers he has for me. I needed to stop focusing on all the things I wanted and felt I wasn't getting, not just from God, but from my husband, family, friends, church, etc... and start focusing on what God has given me. I have been blessed beyond measure, found joy unspeakable and a fountain of peace waiting for me, all I had to do was trust and believe.

This is one verse I love to read to remind myself of how much God delights in me (& you)...

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Savior! He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love he will calm your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!" Zephaniah 3:17 NIV (emphasis mine)

From the Mouth of Babes...

I am always sharing funny things Isaiah says, mostly because he's older, so he says more. Here are some funnies that have come out of my little ones mouth...

One time after a nightmare trip to Target, I asked the boys to "please just get in your car seats, you are pushing every last button in my armory today***). One second later, while leaning over to buckle Isaiah, Josh starts poking me saying "push, push, push, all the buttons on mommy's arm". LOL

***Yeah, I said in my armory, maybe I should start a post about all the funny things I randomly say lol

On the way to bible study one day Isaiah says "lions and giraffes are my favorite Africa animals. What are yours mom?". I tell him I like elephants and giraffes, Josh pipes up "I love dragons!!"

After Isaiah said his prayer one night, I said it was mommy's turn next. Josh looks at me and says "it's Joshy's turn mommy", I said "ok, you're going to say a prayer?". He smiles and says "yeah! Ummmmm prayer. PRAYER! Ok mommy's turn".

While getting Josh ready for bed I told him he was so handsome. He looks at me with his mischievous grin and says "yeah and my peepee is handsome! hahahaha".

Showing me a rock he'd picked up in my mom's yard Josh says "this rock is a fossil!". Me- "what is it a fossil of?". Josh- "Ummm, a rock?"

"Mommy, I don't want anymore sandwich". Me- "Josh you have to eat all of it". Josh- "but mommy it's going to give my mouth a fever!". This cracked me up, not only for his excuse but because I check his temperature in his mouth, he probably does think that's where the fever is lol

Neener's Fresh & Chunky Homemade Salsa

It's no secret that my food allergies have opened up a whole new world of eating, a smaller world in some ways but a more creative one for sure. I have found myself tweaking old recipes, tweaking new ones and occasionally following the directions :). I am pleased to report that most of the time, they turn out pretty good, if I do say so myself (uh, I think I just did lol). I am learning a lot, by trial and error mostly, about what flours work better for cakes vs cookies, puffed pancakes vs muffins, etc. I've thought about starting a food blog but I'm not sure I pay enough attention to accurately share many of my recipes. Maybe I'll start keeping better track, it will certainly make repeating them easier lol, and I would love to give you guys the opportunity to try some of them!

At any rate, until I start one (or don't haha) here is a recipe for some fresh salsa I "invented" using a combination of a few recipes I've found. I've always LOVED salsa but the vinegar they use in commercial brands is currently a "no no" for me so I had to come up with something else, or else die of salsa-deprivation...what? That can't happen? Not sure I believe you ;-). SO, I tried to pay attention the last time I made it to exactly how I make it so I could share it with some friends who asked for the recipe and decided to share it with everyone while I was at it!

Needed:

• 6 large hot house tomatoes (it doesn't have to be hot house, Romas work well but you'd need about 8-10 of them)
• 1/2 large yellow onion
• 1 TBSP lemon juice (or lime if you prefer)
• 3 medium jalapenos
• 1/8c finely chopped cilantro
• 1 tsp cumin

Directions:

1. Finely chop the onion, place in a non-stick pan and heat until they are soft. Don't brown them, this just takes the bite off the onion. I have made the salsa with raw red onion before, which was good but I thought the onion slightly over powered the salsa. If you want, try the red onion but I would use less. When onions are soft, let them cool a little and put in bowl or whatever you intend to store/serve the salsa in. I use a 1.2 quart serve-n-save one but obviously you can use whatever you want lol. The recipe makes about 4c of salsa.
2. Cut tomatoes into quarters, remove the seeds and finely chop soft.
3. Finely chop the cilantro, I actually use a little chopper thing (technical term unknown:) and puree it, cilantro is really hard to chop up fine, especially with dull knives lol. Once chopped to preferred size, add to bowl.
4. Cut the ends off the jalapenos, slice open and remove seeds. Dice into teeny tiny pieces, or larger if you prefer haha. This is the part where I caution you to either use non-coated gloves or make sure your fingernails are short and you have one of those fingernail scrubber things (again technical term unknown). I cannot even say how many times I have burned my mouth, fingers (once my whole hand burned because I just managed to spread the juices vs clean them off) and even my EYES because I didn't scrub hard enough after using jalapenos. Trust me, it's no bueno. When you've chopped them up, add them to the bowl.
5. Add lemon juice and cumin
6. Stir all ingredients together, add salt to taste. Let the salsa chill in refrigerator for an hour or so before serving so all ingredients can mesh together.
7. ENJOY!!

Now I have to say that I really really love this salsa and it's been a hit every time I've served it. Like all things I make, I think it's good to tweak things in order to better suit your tastes. If you like lots of onion, try the red onion or add more. If you like big chunks, chop bigger and visa versa. If you want it hotter, use more jalepinos or hotter peppers, my husband wants me to try habanaros, I told him sure, when I find good gloves to use. There is a lot of room for tweaking in this recipe, I really love cilantro and cumin so sometimes I add more etc.. you get the idea. I am all for stepping outside the box when it comes to cooking and trying new things so if you don't like the recipe like it is, mess with it and see if you can make it yours :).

Motivated Monday

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'."

I don't know who said that, it was a post from the Kenai Triathlon page last year, but I really like it. I didn't intend to miss a post last week, although I didn't have much "exciting news" to share as the week before had been another tough one, I just got really busy and never had a chance to post. So I will give you the week of the 7-14th in a nutshell...I didn't follow my plan, nor did I exercise. Haha, that's a small nutshell :). It's true though, after having strep I developed a nasty head cold, between that and exhaustion I just didn't try. That's ok though, I know I didn't gain any weight which is really encouraging because the only way I am going to keep anything off is to learn how to eat properly, obviously that is happening. So, I'll share with you my "failures" for lack of a better word, although I don't really like it so much. I didn't really "fail", more like stumbled a bit and that happens. The whole point of my blogging any of this is to hopefully encourage others in their struggles to find their "fitter selves". If I always did awesome, you guys would either a) think I am a big fat liar or b) hate me for making it sound so easy when, in fact, it's not. No worries gals (& guys) I am not some hollywood starlet gushing in a magazine about how quickly I got my pre-baby body back, or how I "simply" changed my entire eating habits and voila! the weight was gone. I am not knocking those in Hollywood who worked hard to lose weight, I just think it *might* be a *little* easier when you have a personal trainer, personal chef, and oodles of money to buy all organic fresh foods to stuff in your mouth. Even so, I am sure they struggled at times too...I just wish they would talk a little more about the day they ate a box of ho-hos so we could all know that they are human and not flesh covered cyborgs...ANYWAY, wow, that was some seriously impressive digression right there...

SO, ahem, this week I did manage to get back on track and had a really good week. I exercised 6 days! Woohoo! Although one day was yoga, don't get me wrong, yoga is hard, but it's hard to feel like it's "real" exercise while I am still so bad at it. I actually fell down, all the way on to my tooshie once lol. I enjoy yoga though, and really need to do it more as proven by the fall. I did take Saturday "off" and think I will make that a weekly standard. I didn't go crazy on that day, just had a little more of the foods I had been craving, like chips and salsa. There is no way to get around eating chips and salsa while watching your calories, seriously 10 chips? Right. I did do that one night, ate 10 chips (Rice chips, not so bad) but Saturday I sat and had a pile of them, and didn't feel an ounce of guilt. Growth right?

I am not sure what shifted again but I have such motivation to reach my goal, especially my fitness goal. I really want to be in great shape, for no other reason then because I enjoy being able to do physically strenuous things (that of course being a relative term, my idea of physical strain is likely very different than other peoples haha). That is the "prize" I am fixing on, which is good because thanks to hormones (sorry guys) I have no idea if I actually lost weight this week. That's ok though, because I did well. I didn't under eat or over indulge, I worked out, felt good and am ready to start again!! On to another week!

Week 5: +11

From the mouth of babes...

Here are some sweet things my oldest has said to me. He's full of funny things to say but often he says the sweetest things so I thought I would share some of those with you as well...

Last spring Isaiah brought me a magna doodle that was my "birthday cake" and told me to make a wish. I *did* and he asked me what I wished for, I told him a baby sister for he and Joshy. He smiles real big and says "aww thank you mom, God sure is taking a long time to give me a sister, that's what I wished for too!!".

One time I had drawn a heart on my leg (I have a bad habit of drawing on myself, I should just bite the bullet and get a tattoo), Isaiah noticed it and touched it saying "This heart has me, daddy and Joshy in it. But mom, I want a baby sister to go in your heart too!! I can't wait much longer!!"

Isaiah went through a period of not wanting to go to Sunday school (that's a funny story, to read it click here), while driving home from church where he chose to stay with me he said "I almost cried in church today mom, cause the songs were so beautiful".

While discussing the possibility that mommy and daddy *might* have one more baby, Z told me again that he wanted a baby sister. I asked him "what if we have another one and it's a boy?". He says "but mom, I prayed and asked God for a sister. So he will give me a baby sister, God hears us in our hearts mom".

Since learning of food allergies, ISaiah has been very curious about what I can and cannot eat. While talking about pizza he says to me "do you like pizza mommy?", I answered yes but that I can't eat it anymore (this was before I discovered a good gluten free dough). "Yes, but maybe someday God will heal you and you can have your favorite coffee again". For a brief explanation, just prior to this conversation I had learned that my favorite fru-fru coffee, white chocolate mocha, contains soy and corn in the mix, ergo a "no-no".

Something else Isaiah does that melts my heart is spontaneous prayer. He has prayed on his own for a good day in the morning, for his daddy when he was sick, for my food allergies, for me to get better when I was really sick this summer, that God would help him not to be scared... Nothing makes the smile on my face bigger then the sound of that little guy lifting his voice to the Lord. I can only imagine what it does to the smile on the face of the Father :)

***I am sure that you noticed a recurring theme in many of these posts. Isaiah has wanted and been praying for a baby sister for well over a year now, since before I was even thinking about the possibility. I've think if we have another, and it is a girl, we'll name her Faith because of her brother's incredible faith that she would come. :)

Motivated Monday

This was a rough rough week. I'll be honest, the title of this post should be time to get re-Motivated Monday lol . I didn't count a single calorie this week, never logged onto my Livestrong page, didn't break out my measuring cups, didn't think about what I was eating. I have a good reason for that, I was sick with strep, my husband had strep, my oldest was recovering from strep and my youngest was fighting it (he had infantigo, strep on his face, blech). Most of the week I know I didn't eat too many calories, even if most of the ones I had were from ice cream and popsicles. I just didn't want to deal with all the tracking and measuring with all the other stuff I had going on, so I didn't. I am not mad at myself for it, only bummed it all happened when it did. That's life though right? Rather than focus on the things I failed to do this week I am going to share the things I did do, that make it clear to me my long fought battle with my mind/food has not been in vain.

1.) When I started to feel better I didn't go hog wild on eating, I still ate ice cream everyday but not a ton.

2.) Although many many times I thought to myself "I might as well have pizza (my homemade kind) since I've lost track this week anyway" or "I really want potato chips, what difference does it make now?" or "I think I'll make cookies (or scones) so I can have them now before I have to go back to counting"...I didn't do it. I did make cookies, but because I have to have different chocolate chips I only left myself enough dough for two. So that's what I had, two cookies, and that's not going to break anybody's bank.

3.) Finally, I didn't feel guilty all week. I did not let myself feel guilty. Too many times in my life have I felt shame over what I put in my mouth, shame. Do you know what shame means?

• The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc.
• A fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret
• A painful emotion caused by the conciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety

Disgrace, shortcoming, dishonorable, improper!! What about liking food a little too much should invoke this emotion? I am tired of viewing my weight issues as shortcomings, I am human, am I not? We all have areas where we struggle, it doesn't make me a bad person. I am tired of living under the cloud of shame & guilt, SO tired, so I'm going to walk away from it. I don't need it, nobody does. It's certainly not the way my Saviour wants me to walk, he didn't give his life so I can live in shame over eating a cookie or two (or five)!!

It may seem I have gotten off topic, and maybe I have a bit. The truth is, I see the way I look at myself in regards to food as a form of bondage, because it is. I don't see myself clearly at all through the glasses of "picture perfect" this world would like us to wear and wearing them binds me to a certain ideal of who I should be. Who I should be, according to those glasses, then leads me to think a certain way about food, think about food too much. Before I know it, it's all about me.all.the.time. I wrap so much of who I am in this image that when I do anything that pushes me further away from that "picture perfect" me, I feel shame. Ahhhhh!! So much of my life the past 10 months has been about finding freedom from old mindsets, I have found so much freedom from old mindsets, why should this one be any different?

So, as I start a new week I am going to take off those glasses, my hope is for good. I want to lose some weight, but not to be better according to the world, but to live a healthier life for myself and my kids. I am not going to feel guilty if I indulged too much one day and I am going to pray that everyday God will show me, through new glasses, a beautiful me, the me HE sees so that I can cut this chain, and walk away...forever.

Week 4: +11

In sickness & in health

The past week and a half has been rough around here. We've had sickness befall one of us, one right after the other, one way or the other every day since January 21st (yes I've kept track:). It has been exhausting, emotional and lets face it, just plain gross at times. Something that I've realized, or re-realized, or newly appreciated in the past two weeks is my husband's willingness to help out with anything traditionally considered "my job". When Josh threw up all over, he took the carpet, I took the kiddo. When Isaiah needed popsicles and ibuprofen, he stopped at the store after a long physical day at work. When I got sick he made the drive all the way to Palmer (about an hour from where he's been working, then 45 mins back to our place) to get some more medicine for me, stopped and bought me chicken AND stopped to check the mail so we could have some new movies to keep us entertained the next day. He then came home, sent my feverish fanny to bed, took care of the kids and folded the laundry that had been sitting in the hamper since I first fell ill. There were moments where I could tell he didn't really feel up to doing these things, and yet he did. How did I get so lucky?

I confess when he came home from work feeling sick yesterday, after just sending my kids off so I could rest, I was a little disappointed. In part because I know how much he hates to miss work, and selfishly in part because I didn't want to have to take care of someone else when I had finally had time for myself. It passed quickly when I saw him and I immediately jumped in to take care of him, just as he had done for me. I realized that, in those few moments he had grumbled a bit about running the extra errands, it really had nothing to do with not wanting to help me, but just being tired. Honestly, before the tables had turned, I had taken a slight offense to it. Now I know it was nothing more then his (and later mine) mere humanity peeking out a bit. He was tired, I was tired, but still we labored for each other out of love.

Marriage isn't easy, not a single day has ever been the fairy tale ending I had imagined in my glowing eyes prior to making my vows. As a 10 year veteran of marriage I can now add some more to my vows; in exhaustion & rest, in stressful times & peace, with kids & without, in those days when you annoy me by breathing & days when you can do no wrong, in days we feel connected & days you feel like a stranger, in laughter & tears, in fishing season & out.... We've had our good days & bad, our richer & poorer, and (obviously) our sickness & in health. It all intertwines together to make up our life as man and wife, the good, the bad and the 3 am feedings. It's work, but it's the kind of work that has rewards beyond measure. Last night as I watched him labor under a fever of nearly 103, praying it wouldn't go any higher, momentarily wondering what I would ever do without him, I knew that every moment of our life was worth it. Even the really hard ones, because he's mine and I am his, we belong together. God made it so and I am ever so thankful....

David & I on our wedding day

A conversation between boys

I thought I would share the conversation my children were having while eating lunch today. I like to eavesdrop on them because I am usually rewarded with laughter...

Z: "I'm the oldest so I am the smartest"

J: "I'm smart!!"

Z: "You're the littlest so you're a little smart but not that smart"

Few minutes later

Z: "LESS TALKING MORE EATING!!"

J: "No, more talking, less eating!"

Z: "No Josh, you are pupposed (supposed) to be EATING!!"

Another short lull

Z: "Let's play the quiet game, whoever stays quiet the longest wins, ok?"

10 seconds of silence followed by

J (whispering): "I want to be the loser"

Z (whispering): "No Josh, you have to be quiet to win!"

J (whispering): "I don't want to win, I want to be the LOSER!"

After this the conversation disintegrated for awhile into a "Worms" battle (for those that don't know it's a game), for those that know the game it went something like this

Z: "AWWWWW FIRE PUNCH!!"

J: "AWWW FIRE PUNCH!!!"

Z: "VICTORY!!!"

J: "AWWW FIRE PUNCH!"

Z: " No Josh you have to say VICTORY!!"

J: "VICTORY!! I have a bazooka!"

Z: "I have a gu-nade (that's grenade)"

And so on, if you have no idea what I am talking about when I say "Worms" that conversation will likely mean nothing to you lol.

From there the conversation continued to digress into random phrases, where "pee!" and "poop" were shouted and I had to stop my eavesdropping and intervene. Still, I love my boys, crazy & strange as they are sometimes. What'd I expect anyway (?), their mine. :)

My boys in their "Fire punch" bandanas. Again, if you've never heard of "Worms" this will be nothing but a cute picture lol