The heart of it...

This is a topic close to my heart, something I have been thinking about often lately- Offense. What do I mean by that? I mean the ease with which we can take offense with one another, how quickly it seems we can jump to conclusions about what someone may or may not have meant by something they said or did. I suppose it's human nature to be guarded, always on the offensive, trying to protect ourselves from hurt. I have to wonder though, is it the best way to view the world? I am not pointing the finger here, believe me I have had my share of offenses, real or imagined- often imagined (I'll explain these below:), so I am speaking from experience. What I wonder is how much better we would all be if we, rather than expecting the worst, expect the best of people? Maybe instead of assuming the person meant to hurt us with what he/she said, we decided to look past the words to what we know to be true about that person? Let's be honest, the people we tend to be hurt by the most are those closest to us, people we know & love. So why is it so hard to look past what may have been blurted out without thinking (or even said on purpose but without a clue that it may be hurtful to us) to the heart of the person. Before jumping to the conclusion that person "thinks your a bad mom/wife/friend/daughter" or that you watch too much tv, or eat too much, whatever the comment is- maybe if we stop and think about who said it, "are they a vindictive person?", "do they ever seem to say things with the intent to hurt" or just looking at where they may be coming from & give them some grace, perhaps the offense will never come. I think if we did stop for a minute to look at what we know about the offender, maybe we find that there was never any intent to hurt there.

I know there are times where people say things that hurt us, maybe even times they mean too, I don't know each person's story. I know there have been times where someone has deliberately torn me down.... but then what? Once the offense is there, what do we do? I am learning, through the course of my own experiences, holding on to that hurt/offense doesn't seem to benefit anyone. Sure I can feel my indignation is deserved but where do I go from there? I mean, I could talk to people about it (something I have done before, I confess), try to find someone to see it from my point of you, validate my feelings...then what? Most likely all I've really accomplished is to cause someone else to "take up my offense", gaining an ally in my righteous (because I'm right in being mad...aren't I?) anger, which makes me feel good- temporarily. The person who offended you, most often, doesn't benefit or lose out in these scenarios. In most cases whomever I was upset with was clueless to how I was feeling (not because they were stupid but either (a) they honestly didn't mean to hurt me or (b) rarely, they didn't care). Again, I am speaking from my heart, from my own experiences. I have not always taken my own advice, in fact much of the depression I suffered the past few years was a direct result from ignoring my own instincts and letting my hurts move to anger, un-forgiveness & bitterness. Some of the wounds I carried were real (I mean the person was careless & hurt me, intended or not, what they said/did was thoughtless), many were not (an "imagined" offense I call them, I took up offense because of my own issues, my distorted filter, there was nothing wrong with what they said or did) either way the end result is the same- if you do not deal with offenses as they come (maybe eliminating them before they are an offense, as I mentioned above) they fester, they get stinky and eventually take over.

My heart was full of old wounds, new wounds, real wounds, imagined wounds- I had never really dealt with any of them. Without my even being aware those wounds began to rot in there, seeping into the other areas of my heart and, before I knew it, altering my personality. I became a negative person, more easily offended, a gossip, quicker to anger, slower to trust...all traits that are not mine, not even a little. Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but it's all true. The bible says "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt 13:34b), my heart was pretty full of negative feelings and emotions, eventually they made their way out. When I realized (early this summer) what my heart really looked like I was left with two choices- forgive or continue on, stacking up my pile of wrongs until I was to completely crumple beneath them, I already almost had. I chose to forgive, it wasn't always easy, as I said some of the offenses were real and those are the hardest ones to let go of. I imagine this is because those are the ones we feel the most entitled to keep, "justified" in our hurt. I was tired of living life that way, I was ready to let go and once I did...oh man. It was like pealing away layer after layer of clothing that was caked in dirt, crippling my movements. Each time I took the time to evaluate my feelings toward someone, my hurts from them, recognize they're human (none of us are perfect), forgive them and ask for forgiveness for the choices I made after they hurt me (sins I committed as a result), I felt a little less bogged down and a little more like me again.

I am not finished, I still have old wounds and I am working at weeding them out, with the help of Jesus (because without Him, I often can't see the issue, let alone deal with it). I want to be free from the baggage I've carried around, unknowingly, for many years. Free to dance for joy, free to see the truth of who I am, to see people for who they are, rather then through my distorted filter, free to be ME, unhindered. My hope is that I won't take up anymore offenses, this doesn't mean I won't ever be offended (I am human), but I don't to leave my feelings unresolved, to forgive and not allow myself to stumble because of it. I want to break free from the chains I've allowed to hold me down, and spread my wings and fly :).

The Leprosy Class...

Nursery has always been a tough one for my boys, not until the age of two would they go without a hysterical fit preceding walking in the door. Since reaching that pivotal age, it's mostly a breeze, not always, but they are usually excited to go and play while mom & dad are in their "grown-up" class. Imagine my surprise when a month ago Isaiah threw a hysterical, "please mommy don't leave me", clinging to me fit when it was time to take him to class. I tried, my sister tried, neither of us could stop the tears and eventually I brought him into my "class" to sit quietly until church was over. Thinking it was a fluke, the next week I took his little hand and led him out to line up with the rest of the kids. We didn't make it out of the sanctuary before the clinging hysteria ensued and again he sat with me during church. The next week he became upset as soon as we entered the building, begging to stay with me. The next...the parking lot. You see where I am going...

Honestly I was a little worried about this new "sunday school phobia" of his. What I thought was a result of his dad not having been there, was obviously not the case, as David was attended church with us the last time. I started playing scenarios in my head, "did he get hit in class?", "are the kids mean to him?", "did he misbehave and get in trouble?". Over and over I tried to imagine what could possibly have turned my guy against sunday school?!? The last Sunday I tried to talk to him about why he didn't want to go, "It's important for you to go to your class, they teach you about Jesus" I said. Without looking at me he says "yes but they teach you about bald men too". Imagine a car racing around a track at top speed, that's about as fast as my brain said "bald men? what bald men? were there bald men in the bible? I can't remember a story where they specifically mention a man being bald. I mean I think Job lost his hair but it doesn't say 'and then Job was bald".... Finally, with all the theatrics of a light bulb going off in a silly cartoon (at least in my brain it went that way), I knew exactly what he was talking about...

The last Sunday he actually attended class I went to pick him up and, as usual, the teachers gave me whatever picture they had colored for their lesson that day. This Sunday as I looked down I (yes, actually) thought "Ew, what? What did they learn about today?". What was the picture you ask? It was of an ugly bald man, with sores on his face and a crooked smile, who honestly reminded me of an ogre. What was the lesson? The ten lepers, Jesus heals and only one returns to thank him, really it's a good story, but the picture seems to have left it's mark. Isaiah does not to want to return to what he now calls his "leprosy class". I have told him that they teach about plenty of other things in sunday school, "remember the story of Jesus walking on water?". Doesn't seem to matter, that picture was that freaky to him. He does tell me "in five weeks I'll go back to my leprosy class mommy", but I am skeptical and not really sure what I am going to do. I guess we will see and hopefully it won't be a class about the demon possessed pigs running off a cliff...