A letter to my boys...

Tonight I cannot fall asleep. For as long as I can remember I have had moments like this, moments where my mind is so full of thoughts & emotions sleep refuses to come. I wish I had written those thoughts down more during past moments like this for now I know that many of them were worth recording somewhere. I am no novelist, poet or songwriter, but I love to relay the things that wander in my mind from time to time and this blog is where I have chosen to do it....

This has been a rough week for me, a rough couple of weeks actually. Stress is taking it's toll on my family, illness struck again and I have found myself on a roller coaster of emotion. My kids have been pushing every button imaginable, it feels like we have been in a battle of some kind of late. Isaiah especially has been difficult to deal with at times and I realize tonight that I have not taken the time I should have to simply love on them. The truth is, my time for snuggles, kisses & hugs is limited, not that they will not always love me but the method of displaying it will change. The realization of how quickly they are growing has struck me hard lately. Isaiah's life long need to find comfort in my hair (he loves to run it through his fingers) is fading, his need to snuggle me at bedtime too. Joshua has grown and changed so much it is incredible to think that less than a year ago he was not even walking. So tonight as I climbed out of my bed wrestling with my thoughts, I went and kissed my sons, thinking of the words I would say to them right now, if only they were awake...and could really understand all of what I was saying :). Here it is...

My dear sweet wonderful boys,

There is a song your Grandma and Great Aunties used to sing when I was young, I don't remember the name. It was a song sung by a mother whose children were grown. She sings about how their voices once filled her home, how they needed her to tie their shoes but now they were all grown up. The chorus went something like this "We must love them while we can, we must love them while we can. Time just seems to hurry by and the days slip into years, and the moments that we had just disappear". I remember that the song always made me feel sad for Grandma & Grandpa, wish that I would never grow up and leave. Of course, life does not work that way, children grow up, they move away, it all happens much faster then you can imagine being so little. I don't know that I agree with the song about the moments disappearing, everything about you is etched on my heart, but I do know that memories can fade.

The thing I want to remember is to always live so that you know how much I love you. I don't know that it is possible for me too, because I love you so much, you might get tired of mommy hugging you :). I want you to know that I longed for you both, even when mommy was young, long before I met daddy, I wanted two little boys. I prayed for you before you were even conceived, while you grew in my tummy, and everyday of your lives I will continue to pray for you. You are the very best thing that I have ever done and many days I cannot imagine what I did to deserve you both.

I want you to know that mommy & daddy are always doing what we think is best for you. Sometimes we may not do it the right way, we make mistakes, but our hearts are to give you everything you could ever need in this life. Even more we want to teach you about the One who loves you even more than we ever could. You have a purpose and a destiny in Christ, He has ordained a place in this world just for you. As much as mommy would love to keep you little and in her arms forever, it excites me to think of the lives you will lead when you move from home. The places you will go, the people you will meet, the things you will do by the power of the Almighty! I have said before that I don't always feel like anything more than mediocre, but the truth is, you both are my extraordinary!

This past month has been stressful on all of us. I know that you have both felt the strain of mommy & daddy's decision to build a home for you. It has been hard, daddy has sacrificed time away from you to give you something you can grow up in, always. We both wanted for you to have a place to roam, to do all the things that little boys do. We wanted for you to have a place of security in a world that seems to be a more dangerous place then the one we grew up in. We wanted you to have a place where you could have your friends over, a place you could "just chill" or whatever you will call it when you are older :). These are the reasons for our decision, I know it has been rough but know we did it because we love you & we are almost there!

I am so sorry for my lack of patience with you, I promise to do better. I love you both so very very much, I always will.

Love, Your Mommy

Sorry for the ramble, although I did warn you with the title of my blog :). Even letter to my kids seem to meander a bit. I am learning to accept this little quirk of mine, my rambling ways. I have let myself get embarrassed by it many times, but tonight I will embrace it. God does not make mistakes :) With that, I say goodnight. My mind is purged and now I am sleepy, sweet dreams...